Do you read Christian biographies? I remember one I read many years ago. It was the auto-biography of Madame Guyon. I googled it and it is still available.
Stranger
I read about Corrie ten Boom and all it did was upset me. I read about Joni and that upset me. I don't like to suffer but I also don't like to see others suffer. One of my family members worked for the medical examiners office and had to go to death scenes and told of some of the horrible cases. I do not know how they handled it. One case I recall was of a young boy who gunned his engine and committed suicide by running into a building. If you can try to help young people whenever you can. You never know who you might influence.
We had a pastor one time that was a straight shooter - but he left the church due to the corrupt family that owned it. He lost several children and I remember his wife telling me that she couldn't understand why God took their two and she read about children being abused and she said they would never do that. Our other pastor's wife committed suicide and left 7 children. I think that was due to the legalistic church - I could not have survived in that atmosphere either. Our neighbor's son died of a drug overdose. Many many in our old town died of the same.
So excuse the emotional honesty but sometimes God seems cruel to me. He says He wants truth in our inmost being and I tell Him these words. Throughout my own harsh struggles I met the lawyer who walked away from his faith after being forced to listen to heart-wrenching violations of innocent children by priests. After that a family member introduced me to her hairdresser and her husband - a cop - whose son had killed himself after years of molestation by priests. I communicated with the father for awhile and he was a broken man. He went every week with signs and placed them next to the Catholic institution where his son had been molested and stood vigil. The Catholic hierarchy walked right past him. They're fortunate he didn't take justice into his own hands. The priests that molested his son were let go due to some technicality. Where in the Name of God is God with such an overwhelming injustice perpetrated against an innocent young boy? The father told me they were sent to some cushy retirement home. Why didn't God allow justice?
Our neighbor's unarmed grandson was assassinated by police. The murdered young man left two little girls. The family tried to sue and a judge threw the lawsuit out. If a cop is killed on the job taxpayers pay for his family; if a regular person is killed by police they get nothing. My neighbor's granddaughter had a nervous breakdown after her husband and best friend took off together. If that wasn't bad enough they used her breakdown as a means to get custody of her son. So I am by no means alone, nor do I have the worst circumstances of anyone. Yet still my mind struggles to makes sense of why I and others have suffered deeply and my friend sails through life as if charmed.
I tell God that it's enough already - that too many lives have been broken and it's time to end it already. He asks for truth in our inmost being and somehow I think He appreciates it when we address our deep questions honestly and don't hide behind a facade of smiles and/ or lie to Him.
So I certainly see why Paul said he despaired of life. The only thing that makes sense to me is that God is working something out that we can't yet see. I'm sure Joseph had questions march through his brain when he was thrown into prison for something he never did. He was eventually able to say "You meant it for evil but God meant it for good." Still I think that Joseph's wicked brothers should have been punished more. They got off too easy - except for Simeon who tried to help him.
So why does God put a sense of justice within our hearts yet often prevent us from seeing it?
I haven't arrived at a good answer yet. All throughout Scripture we're told God is just yet where is justice???
I know the psalmist in psalm 73 eventually worked out his confusion at seeing the wicked prosper when he at last said "until I went into the House of God, then I understood their end..." So I guess keeping an eternal perspective helps.
The corrupt lawyer who stole some of my inheritance is a slime ball, as is the woman who hid our brief who worked in the probate office. I could have used that money they stole so there is real harm that we endure and sometimes it's hard to keep an eternal perspective. I had something far far worse done to my family by a Christian who was jealous of my family. I have learned to be wary of all people now - even those who profess and who I believe are Christians. I learned they can do just as much evil as an unbeliever.
Something else that puzzled me. I'm friends with a gay man and know of another young gay man. Neither are Christians yet they're more humane than some Christians I know.
The other issue I have is knowing when to drop something and when to leave it to God. So I've been praying for wisdom.
I was just reading in Exodus where God said "those whom I have filled with the Spirit of Wisdom..." and that verse jumped out at me. I really want to be filled with wisdom and have been praying that.