Gray area: What is my biblical and moral obligation in this?

[BlueNightingale]

I don't know what to do and I need some advice.

My dad has had four strokes. He is not in good health and cannot walk on his own. He is living with my half brother (moms son, but he raised him).

My dad and I do not have a strong bond- he was emotionally unavailable since childhood and we don't talk, but a couple of weeks ago my brother smoked his cigarettes and since then he has been sending me a bunch of messages because he wants me to send him money.

I told him I have too many responsibilities to take care of and I can't afford to buy his cigarettes, but he is very persistent in letting me know how upset he is about it and sending me texts saying "I need cigarettes" and "Ween cigarettes" - I haven't smoked in years. I started up a few years ago and then quit again.

Knowing he is already disabled I feel like supporting his habit is not going to help him get better and if it has already been a couple of weeks maybe he should just quit.

But Biblically, I don't know what the right choice is. Am I obligated to provide despite having necessities and my own family to support, or am I being selfish by not taking care of it for him?

Keep in mind cigarettes are probably $12-14 a pack and I think that would only last a day or so.

 

[quietthinker]

I don't know what to do and I need some advice.

My dad has had four strokes. He is not in good health and cannot walk on his own. He is living with my half brother (moms son, but he raised him).

My dad and I do not have a strong bond- he was emotionally unavailable since childhood and we don't talk, but a couple of weeks ago my brother smoked his cigarettes and since then he has been sending me a bunch of messages because he wants me to send him money.

I told him I have too many responsibilities to take care of and I can't afford to buy his cigarettes, but he is very persistent in letting me know how upset he is about it and sending me texts saying "I need cigarettes" and "Ween cigarettes" - I haven't smoked in years. I started up a few years ago and then quit again.

Knowing he is already disabled I feel like supporting his habit is not going to help him get better and if it has already been a couple of weeks maybe he should just quit.

But Biblically, I don't know what the right choice is. Am I obligated to provide despite having necessities and my own family to support, or am I being selfish by not taking care of it for him?

Keep in mind cigarettes are probably $12-14 a pack and I think that would only last a day or so.

Stick to your guns Fluffy!

 

[Debp]

I don't know what to do and I need some advice.

My dad has had four strokes. He is not in good health and cannot walk on his own. He is living with my half brother (moms son, but he raised him).

My dad and I do not have a strong bond- he was emotionally unavailable since childhood and we don't talk, but a couple of weeks ago my brother smoked his cigarettes and since then he has been sending me a bunch of messages because he wants me to send him money.

I told him I have too many responsibilities to take care of and I can't afford to buy his cigarettes, but he is very persistent in letting me know how upset he is about it and sending me texts saying "I need cigarettes" and "Ween cigarettes" - I haven't smoked in years. I started up a few years ago and then quit again.

Knowing he is already disabled I feel like supporting his habit is not going to help him get better and if it has already been a couple of weeks maybe he should just quit.

But Biblically, I don't know what the right choice is. Am I obligated to provide despite having necessities and my own family to support, or am I being selfish by not taking care of it for him?

Keep in mind cigarettes are probably $12-14 a pack and I think that would only last a day or so.

Since he is already in bad health, I would not buy him cigarettes. Just explain that to him, in text if that would work out better. I'm sure his doctor would advise him to not smoke, especially after four strokes.

 

[Lambano]

My dad and I do not have a strong bond- he was emotionally unavailable since childhood and we don't talk, but a couple of weeks ago my brother smoked his cigarettes and since then he has been sending me a bunch of messages because he wants me to send him money.

I want to say, your brother smoked 'em, your brother can bloody well replace them. But I don't think this is about cigarettes.

What is it really all about?

 

[Lambano]

I told him I have too many responsibilities to take care of and I can't afford to buy his cigarettes, but he is very persistent in letting me know how upset he is about it and sending me texts saying "I need cigarettes" and "Ween cigarettes" ... But Biblically, I don't know what the right choice is. Am I obligated to provide despite having necessities and my own family to support, or am I being selfish by not taking care of it for him?

Don't you love guilt manipulation? That's what it looks like from here.

Is there a better way you can "honor your father"? Think outside the box.

 

[talons]

But Biblically, I don't know what the right choice is. Am I obligated to provide despite having necessities and my own family to support, or am I being selfish by not taking care of it for him?

Honor your mother and father . But I don't see anything about supporting addiction .

 

[MatthewG]

You’re free to do whatever you want to do.

You’re own choices are you own…

I personally quit using tobacco vapes and cigarettes though.

My mom is 65 and in rough shape and to some people I seem heartless because as I continue to grow older I’m much more rigid than before, I just perfer things a certain way with people.

She still goes to work,

 

[BlueNightingale]

Since he is already in bad health, I would not buy him cigarettes. Just explain that to him, in text if that would work out better. I'm sure his doctor would advise him to not smoke, especially after four strokes.

He just recently went to the hospital for chest pains, too. They said it was from him falling too much but I don't know.

I want to say, your brother smoked 'em, your brother can bloody well replace them. But I don't think this is about cigarettes.

What is it really all about?

I did send him a message and asked him to replace them but he didn't respond back to me. He depends on royalties from his music and isn't working...

Dad never texts me, ever. These texts are kind of out of the blue and they're all about my brother smoking his cigarettes and a lot of it doesn't make any sense.

I think he might be getting dementia.

I don't want to give him the thing that caused his situation in the first place, doesn't seem right.

 

[Lambano]

He just recently went to the hospital for chest pains, too. They said it was from him falling too much but I don't know.

I did send him a message and asked him to replace them but he didn't respond back to me. He depends on royalties from his music and isn't working...

Dad never texts me, ever. These texts are kind of out of the blue and they're all about my brother smoking his cigarettes and a lot of it doesn't make any sense.

I think he might be getting dementia.

I don't want to give him the thing that caused his situation in the first place, doesn't seem right.

If he's in the hospital, he ain't gonna be doing any smoking. Hospitals are usually kinda strict about that. Someday I'll tell the story about my mom smoking, even when she was tied to the oxygen bottles.

I still don't think this is about cigarettes. Perhaps he really is getting senile. Or, perhaps, an old man who was never emotionally available for his daughter wants to connect with her now that his own life is nearing its end, but he doesn't know how. Would that change the dynamic?

 

[BlueNightingale]

If he's in the hospital, he ain't gonna be doing any smoking. Hospitals are usually kinda strict about that. Someday I'll tell the story about my mom smoking, even when she was tied to the oxygen bottles.

I still don't think this is about cigarettes. Perhaps he really is getting senile. Or, perhaps, an old man who was never emotionally available for his daughter wants to connect with her now that his own life is nearing its end, but he doesn't know how. Would that change the dynamic?

I think he may be getting senile.

This is a guy who caught me working out in my 20s and said, "You'll never be Miss America so why are you even trying?" and even then cigarettes were a big deal. He would flip out through withdrawals and tell me if I didn't buy him a pack he would have a stroke based on other family members. I am afraid of a relationship because he's very critical.

He is not in the hospital anymore but he won't go into a nursing home because they won't let him smoke..

Amazing how a stick of something that stinks so much can cause so much damage and not even be of any value.

 

[Bob]

Thank you for your post and sharing your dilemma.

If it makes sense for you to share some of the monetary responsibilities with your brother, that warrants prayer, discussion with your family, and discussion with your brother. (Beware guilt trap.)

Sending money for cigarettes doesn’t sound prudent. On the other hand, gifting your father a pack occasionally (assuming you trust your brother not to steal it) is reasonable, despite his health. As quoted in the wonderful movie “Quartet”: ‘So if you deny them a smoke now and then, it might add a week to their lives (and it will probably rain that week).’

No obvious solutions, but trust God to help you, and do/say it with love.

Blessings.

 

[quietthinker]

Thank you for your post and sharing your dilemma.

If it makes sense for you to share some of the monetary responsibilities with your brother, that warrants prayer, discussion with your family, and discussion with your brother. (Beware guilt trap.)

Sending money for cigarettes doesn’t sound prudent. On the other hand, gifting your father a pack occasionally (assuming you trust your brother not to steal it) is reasonable, despite his health. As quoted in the wonderful movie “Quartet”: ‘So if you deny them a smoke now and then, it might add a week to their lives (and it will probably rain that week).’

No obvious solutions, but trust God to help you, and do/say it with love.

Blessings.

Would that equate to God bringing a basket of the forbidden fruit to Eve because he loved her?

 

[BlueNightingale]

Would that equate to God bring a basket of the forbidden fruit to Eve because he loved her?

I thought about this in a different way but it must be related spiritually.

I thought, if I gave someone a poison apple and told them, "It will make you feel better FOR RIGHT NOW," it would still poison them.

Cigarettes are a poison and have taken enough family away from most of us, I believe. He has better days coming if the social worker is able to provide, and I pray, he won't take it with him and let his last years be free.