Why men don't want to get married

[HealthyShape]

I went into this thread expecting a solid explanation on the legal and cultural pitfalls men face with marriage today.

From my understanding, men are walking away from marriage today because there's perverse legal incentive for women to divorce and the modern culture has pushed women into self-centeredness and away from the values that would make for good wives.

These values include purity, service, nurturing, cheerfulness, and loyalty.

A good wife accepts and loves her husband without trying to change him. She focuses on the good in him and leaves the rest in God’s stronger hands.

Western culture is lopsided in that we still expect men to be traditionally masculine providers and protectors, but its become politically incorrect to hold women to a dutiful standard on her end, even the basic standard of staying in the marriage when unhappy.

Yes, the western kind of marriage is terrible for men. They frequently get nothing and can lose everything. Not a good incentive to marry, at all.

Most people have an idealized idea of marriage, reduced to some vague ancient image, but it is a complicated and expensive legal trap, today.

 

[Lambano]

From my understanding, men are walking away from marriage today because there's perverse legal incentive for women to divorce and the modern culture has pushed women into self-centeredness and away from the values that would make for good wives.

I get quite a few stories about this on my newsfeed at work. (Something's wrong with the algorithm. Management encouraged me to sign up for stories on AI development, but I keep getting stories about relationships and religion. Maybe if I stopped clicking on them...) Anyway, a recurring theme (in articles written by disgruntled men, of course) is that modern divorce law is extremely prejudicial against men and the potential legal and financial risks from divorce make marriage cost-prohibitive. "Friends with Benefits" is the safer option; just make sure you use contraceptives.

 

[Wynona]

Yes, the western kind of marriage is terrible for men. They frequently get nothing and can lose everything. Not a good incentive to marry, at all.

Most people have an idealized idea of marriage, reduced to some vague ancient image, but it is a complicated and expensive legal trap, today.

While I agree that there are obvious pitfalls from the legal system and feminist minded women, I still believe marriage is good for men, women, and especially children overall.

I have a 1 year old son. I still would encourage him to marry but only under the condition that he forgo state marriage license or get a pre nuptial agreement AND found a woman of rare character willing to be submissive and home-centered. I definitely would not rush this. He can have a family at any age.

 

[HealthyShape]

While I agree that there are obvious pitfalls from the legal system and feminist minded women, I still believe marriage is good for men, women, and especially children overall.

I have a 1 year old son. I still would encourage him to marry but only under the condition that he forgo state marriage license or get a pre nuptial agreement AND found a woman of rare character willing to be submissive and home-centered. I definitely would not rush this. He can have a family at any age.

While men can have family biologically almost at any age, the desire to have a wife and to marry is actually quite fading away starting at late 30's, early 40's, for men.

Testosteron levels decline and also priorities change, people are already used to their single lifestyle.

But who knows, with some AI breakthrough in longevity or with testosterone therapy, future can be different.

 

[Wynona]

While men can have family biologically almost at any age, the desire to have a wife and to marry is actually quite fading away starting at late 30's, early 40's, for men.

Testosteron levels decline and also priorities change, people are already used to their single lifestyle.

I think a lot of men do very well single. Our roommate has given up dating for the time being and it suits him.

I guess I could say I think a good marriage is superior to most singleness. But a bad marriage is twice as bad as any singleness.

 

[Matthias]

The “western mind” is the problem. The “western kind” of marriage is the problem. What men and women should be looking for and desiring is the “biblical kind” of marriage.

 

[HealthyShape]

I think a lot of men do very well single. Our roommate has given up dating for the time being and it suits him.

I guess I could say I think a good marriage is superior to most singleness. But a bad marriage is twice as bad as any singleness.

I also gave up dating and I feel better. I can imagine some idealized "good marriage" better than a happy singleness, but I have a hard time to really see it in real life. I do not know any long term happy couple.

 

[Wynona]

Most women today are not taught how to be an asset to their husbands. I wasn't either and I was a bad wife for the first few years.
Thankfully, God helped me find wise women to teach me a few things.

 

[Wynona]

I also gave up dating and I feel better. I can imagine some idealized "good marriage" better than a happy singleness, but I have a hard time to really see it in real life. I do not know any long term happy couple.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear this. I say that because I don't see a lot of happy couples either. It must be discouraging. My husband and I are the exception. It took me years to find a like-minded wife and Mom in a happy marriage.

When people complain about their spouses so often, why do they wonder why people dont want to marry?

 

[Wynona]

The “western mind” is the problem. The “western kind” of marriage is the problem. What men and women should be looking for and desiring is the “biblical kind” of marriage.

I like biblical patriarchy.

 

[HealthyShape]

I'm genuinely sorry to hear this. I say that because I don't see a lot of happy couples either. It must be discouraging. My husband and I are the exception. It took me years to find a like-minded wife and Mom in a happy marriage.

When people complain about their spouses so often, why do they wonder why people dont want to marry?

Actually, I recalled some good marriages, at least as much as one can say from outside - but these are or were rather old people in the church. It seems it is harder to achieve today.

But it is not only about marriages, even relationships are not good for long and do not last.

 

[marks]

I think a lot of men do very well single. Our roommate has given up dating for the time being and it suits him.

I guess I could say I think a good marriage is superior to most singleness. But a bad marriage is twice as bad as any singleness.

My marriage has been a life saver, sparing me from untold evil! Yes, he who finds a wife finds a good thing.

OH, and it seems to me there are many many men who marry, and who destroy their wives, and blame them for it.

Much love!

 

[Riven]

Actually, I recalled some good marriages, at least as much as one can say from outside - but these are or were rather old people in the church. It seems it is harder to achieve today.

But it is not only about marriages, even relationships are not good for long and do not last.

Exactly. A lot of the guys that area happily married today are older and got married back when marriage was taken more seriously.

 

[marks]

I also gave up dating and I feel better. I can imagine some idealized "good marriage" better than a happy singleness, but I have a hard time to really see it in real life. I do not know any long term happy couple.

My wife and I.

We had some rough years in the beginning, but at 36 years wed, I don't want any other life.

Much love!

 

[marks]

Rather then to find the right person, focus on being the right person.

Much love!

 

[HealthyShape]

My wife and I.

We had some rough years in the beginning, but at 36 years wed, I don't want any other life.

Much love!

It seems it was easier three decades ago. Today, millennials and younger, we do not have good role models, we do not even know what is a good marriage. Just some silly sitcoms or movies ideas and similar.

And when successful relationship and parenting patterns are not learned from parents in childhood, it is almost impossible to acquire later in life.

 

[Wynona]

Rather then to find the right person, focus on being the right person.

Much love!

Great thinking once in a marriage. Id advise caution for those not yet married.

 

[marks]

Great thinking once in a marriage. Id advise caution for those not yet married.

Yes, you are right, that was a pithy saying, and needs more.



God brought my wife to me, and neither one of us was ready, but in the crucible, we were refined.

Much love!

 

[Wynona]

And when successful relationship and parenting patterns are not learned from parents in childhood, it is almost impossible to acquire later in life.

You can if you're willing to unlearn what you're taught.

I was raised to believe that you couldn't trust a man with your life. That you had to maintain some level of independence. This mindset almost shipwrecked the marriage in the beginning.

A good marriage is not a "partnership" or a competition. It is a one flesh union. My husband is the head. Im like the body and I follow. I had to unlearn feminism completely to enjoy a happy marriage now.

 

[marks]

It seems it was easier three decades ago. Today, millennials and younger, we do not have good role models, we do not even know what is a good marriage. Just some silly sitcoms or movies ideas and similar.

And when successful relationship and parenting patterns are not learned from parents in childhood, it is almost impossible to acquire later in life.

I know I didn't learn about relationships from my parents!!

It's like God put us together, but it took several years to be able to start really living with peace and understanding. We both came from very difficult childhoods, and had to walk the road of discovery together, not having a clue what we were doing.

I do want to echo @Wynona 's words, focus on one's self, and let God do the work in the other.

Much love!