As I alluded to in other posts, I left Catholocism as a teenager and started attending church about 4 years ago - this time my local UMC. I am happy with that decision and fully believe in Jesus...I have seen too many things that tell me that He exists. My problem is that I am having trouble with prayer. It almost feels like I am an imposter when I try to pray. I have no problem with praying with someone else leading prayer, but to actually initiate a prayer, even over a meal is difficult for me.
I don't know if it is because I have been so self-reliant for so long or if I am just hung up on what I remember from the Catholic church for repetitive prayer with the rosary (especially after confession!). I keep thinking back to confession where it I was taught that it was required to make a statement of how long has it been since my last confession - in my case that would be somewhere around 40 years and then I start to think about how can I confess to all of the sin, especially since I may not be able to remember everything.
I know that the UMC and most other protestant groups do not have formalized confession. Is this a problem that other people returning to the fold after years of absense experience (especially going from the strutured Catholic services to other types of services) and how do I get over my anxiety about prayer and organized confessions when going to protestant services that largely have a silent prayer to acknowledge sin and a communal declaration of pardon.
As an ex-Roman Catholic (30 years in), who used to do the daily, and sometimes more, rotes of Rosary (various 'mysteries'), Pieta book, and other such things, when all of that was given up, I found it extremely difficult to know what prayer even was, or to even how to go about it really, and this was compounded by the fact I was very introvert at the time, and extremely shy. I had people tell me that prayer was simply conversation with God, and yet, as easy as that sounds, I barely knew how to have a conversation with people right next to me, and my own family, let alone someone I was unfamiliar with.
Do not be ashamed of not knowing how to pray at first, for you are just born again, and a new born babe, barely knows how to make sounds (other than crying, laughing, the baser emotional sounds, and so we might weep before God for attention, or rejoice and simply smile at being cared for), and the Holy Ghost will make up for you during those times in growing up, and even in what we call adulthood:
Rom_8:26 Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
It will take time. Words will come, with growth and experience. As for praying in public vs private, one will have to grow in each, but moreso in private, so that in public, one has the ability to converse with God with others around, listening, and joining in heart with what you are praying about. Do not merely just say words to say words, though at the first, one, as a child, will listen to others prayers and attempt a mimicry of those and God understands this. It is when you really have deep private prayer with the one who loves you most, that eventually the 'ice' will be broken, and you can pray without fear in public, since you are no longer a stranger with the one to Whom you are speaking, and you know them better, as a friend. When you have good friends, public conversation is easy with them even with strangers around.
As for confession of sins, leave that to private prayer (one can confess basic faults in public prayer as needed, like I am weak in this and that area, please pray for / with me and be general about it), and not to the ears of others, and leave it between you and the one whom you sinned against, God. At those times, be specific, for God already knows the failure, even though it seems the dirtiest, darkest, ugliest shameful thing that was thought, said or done. Just be straightforward, not attempting to justify those things, but just confess them, ask for pardon, and believe in the grace of God granted at that very moment. You are free, and let the guilt wash away. Satan will try to remind you, but just keep in mind, I confessed those, and now I need to keep on forsaking those things,. A person may stumble many times at the same thing, but do not be discouraged, come to God anyway and show that you trust in God's grace to forgive, cleanse, renew, and save. If you cannot remember all that was wrong, God knows, and will bring it to your mind as needful, and at the right timing. otherwise you can simply look at
Exo. 20:1-17 and just think on those promising words of God in the New Covenant, as promises that God will fulfill in you, in comparison with the thoughts, words and actions of yours today, or you can do the same with a comparison of thinking about the life of Jesus from birth to death, resurrection, ascension (it just takes more effort than to read 17 texts), and especially the last moments of Jesus' life, from Gethsemane to Calvary and beyond.
You can listen to these final chapters here in a dark and quiet, calm place, and just think on them, and pray as you listen, here -
In public prayer, you do not have to lead, and experienced persons in that public prayer should not 'volunteer' you, nor 'make' you pray until you are ready to do so voluntarily. They can ask if you are ready to lead, but experienced persons can also see a 'newborn', and know they ought not to lead out, while the 'adults' in prayer sit back expecting a newborn to suddenly know how to talk. As it is in the natural, so too the spiritual things of God.
It took me a while to begin to publically pray without self-conscious worries, fears of others listening, when my focus began to leave the human altogether, as if others were not present, and to dwell on Him who definitely was, even though I could only see by the eyes of faith, up into Heaven. When others are praying in a public group, take the time to really listen to each one, not in judgment, but to what you can "amen" in heart with. Whether you voice that out loud or keep that silent is up to you, as I found for me silence is mostly better, and on occasion a more quieter solemn "amen" in union, or better still at the end, while others are so constantly amening, 'praise the Lord-ing', and 'Halelujah-ing', the mind of the pray-er begins to lose focus, as like when someone else were talking while you are trying to talk to God. It can sometimes be a hindrance after that manner. Its up to you. Generally amens in scripture come after the prayer, not during the middle of it. You can also study the prayers of those devout persons in scripture to see how they prayed, and what it was they were dwelling on in their prayers, whether in private or public.
This book may also help you [Prayer] -
Prayer
And this one [Answers to Prayer] -
SDA Ellen G White Compilation Answers To Prayer : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
With time, and growing experience in the LORD Jesus, prayer, and gratefulness, even for simple food will come to you. I have been in so much misery and pain lately, that it is extremely difficult to think straight, or to pray, other than in weeping tears of agony. I am grateful to God even for my bed, its covers, the room I have, the electricity, warmth, water, and when I go to sleep, I just thank God for those simple things, and tell Him I appreciate those things, and am sorry for taking such things for granted sometimes. I am praying for restored health in body, mind and the weightier things of God (prayer, self-sacrifice, cheerfulness, greatfulness). If (no pressure, just asking) you want a prayer project, please, would you not mind praying for me (Aaron) -
Asking for special serious daily ongoing prayer, having same symptoms still ...
A focus on others, over self- I find is a much lengthier conversation, though sometimes, one does need to look in the mirror with God. Also do things for ministry, one will come across people to pray about / for. Like when I was (no boasting here) helping with homeless, door to dooring, etc, I came across people to pray about and they took precedence over myself in my thoughts, it was simply amazing what God was doing at that time.
I also have a friend (Pam) who is going through similar things, with Kidney stones, and has tubes in her, and cannot have surgery just yet, and is in pain, and has about 3 surgeries ahead of her, in her more elderly (I am 48, and she in her 60's) walk.
Thank you, and I hope that this was helpful to you.
PS. as for prayer journalling, I have friends who really use that, and it is like as David in the Psalms writing down his own prayers to God, as others also did. I am not saying anyone has to do this, but there is precedence in the Bible for it. I find it more difficult for me to do that, than my friend, though she keeps recommending it to me. :)
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