my parents say we learn from punishment, i am being punished and i HATE it, my parents say we became a better person after punishment, do i deserve it

[tanya1234]

Last thursday i had a row with my older sister, because she is claustrophobic and hates confined spaces , i locked her in her room, i enjoyed watching her kick and screaming to be let out, i only meant for her to be locked in for an hour or 2, while anyway my friend rang up and i got distracted and went out, i forgot about my sister, my parents came home 6 hours later and found her locked in, she had missed her driving lesson and a date with her boyfriend, my parents went mad and said i would be getting a taste of my own medicine , they said i will be spending ALL of this weekend locked in my room as a punishment,as i have exams this year my parents have set me tons of school work to do , including maths , english , french and science plus 2 punishment essays, as i write i am locked up and i DONT like it, are my parents being fair ?

 

[Rita]

So do you think you will get different responses here ?
Last Thursday - interesting. You said that on the 4th feb on another forum.
Perhaps be honest if you are doing research for a school project - people prefer that rather than being spun a lie from the onset.

 

[tanya1234]

So do you think you will get different responses here ?
Last Thursday - interesting. You said that on the 4th feb on another forum.
Perhaps be honest if you are doing research for a school project - people prefer that rather than being spun a lie from the onset.

i am sorry ,this post is from last week , i just want to get honest views from adults, i do feel very bad and guilty for what i done to my sister, as i said she missed her driving lesson, and suffers badly from claustrophibia so being locked in her room was a big deal for her, my sister has forgiven me after i said sorry to her, i had no idea how misreable it was to be locked up, i missed out on a lot of fun , going out with friends etc, my parents said the best thighs in life are free, so having my freedom taken away as a punishment made me realise just how important freedom is, my parents made me to tons of school work while i was locked up, my parents said eventhough they and my sister forgave me, a strict and harsh punishment was deserved, so i learn my lesson , opinions please ?

 

[stevesonthebay]

They say the best way to learn is to realise the harm done to others. This use to be a form of punishment in courts. The perpetrator would do some community work.

Sometimes that would make the person do work related to the crime or to get a victim statement to help the person understand the harm they caused others. Sort of putting yourself in their shoes.

I think today many think that punishment is wrong fullstop. Anything that makes a person feel bad or restricts their freedom is seen as wrong. So any punishment that restricts a persons rights to do what they want is seen as cruel itself.

But from my experience the times I learnt the most was when I had some sort of cost to the wrong I did. It was unpleasant at the time. But it built character.

The thing is learning to go through stuff you think is unfair or uncomfortable. Even when the other person is too harsh or unjust against you is building emotional resilence. The ability to handle stress and difficult times. It takes a certain disposition in spirit to accept responsibility and obey.

The disciples Peter and Paul mention this about obeying rulers and masters. To be obedient and a good example even if the person is unjust. Because the good example is what shows people Christ. And we know Christ was unfairly condemned. Yet remained obedient.

The other thing is what we think is important is not necessarily important. When you what is important is different to what really matters. So the idea of being denied something a person feels they really want to do. Is not necessarily the end of the world. It may seem like missing out.

But in reality when young theres never enough time to study. Its a downer but it will pay off in the end. So its not really punishment in that sense. Though I don't deny that when young missing out of social contact with friends is like the end of the world.

But I think its all in the head. How you see things. We can change our perspective and make something that is a downer into something worthwhile. Live for the moment and make an adventure out of the stuff you don't like. Turn a negative into a positive. You will feel good about it as well.

 

[Rita]

i am sorry ,this post is from last week , i just want to get honest views from adults, i do feel very bad and guilty for what i done to my sister, as i said she missed her driving lesson, and suffers badly from claustrophibia so being locked in her room was a big deal for her, my sister has forgiven me after i said sorry to her, i had no idea how misreable it was to be locked up, i missed out on a lot of fun , going out with friends etc, my parents said the best thighs in life are free, so having my freedom taken away as a punishment made me realise just how important freedom is, my parents made me to tons of school work while i was locked up, my parents said eventhough they and my sister forgave me, a strict and harsh punishment was deserved, so i learn my lesson , opinions please ?

Sorry but you posted the same message on a forum on the 5th Feb stating it ‘ was last Thursday ’ , which means this happened in the last week of January. Many people responded with their thoughts on that forum- good Christian honest responses, yet here you are asking for feedback again. So if this did happen then you haven’t moved on or learnt anything because you are still seeking to get Input and still holding on to some resentment with regards to what your parents did. Why, after a month are you still mulling it over. You did wrong , your parents chose to teach you a lesson So that you will think twice if it happens again.

 

[tanya1234]

They say the best way to learn is to realise the harm done to others. This use to be a form of punishment in courts. The perpetrator would do some community work.

Sometimes that would make the person do work related to the crime or to get a victim statement to help the person understand the harm they caused others. Sort of putting yourself in their shoes.

I think today many think that punishment is wrong fullstop. Anything that makes a person feel bad or restricts their freedom is seen as wrong. So any punishment that restricts a persons rights to do what they want is seen as cruel itself.

But from my experience the times I learnt the most was when I had some sort of cost to the wrong I did. It was unpleasant at the time. But it built character.

The thing is learning to go through stuff you think is unfair or uncomfortable. Even when the other person is too harsh or unjust against you is building emotional resilence. The ability to handle stress and difficult times. It takes a certain disposition in spirit to accept responsibility and obey.

The disciples Peter and Paul mention this about obeying rulers and masters. To be obedient and a good example even if the person is unjust. Because the good example is what shows people Christ. And we know Christ was unfairly condemned. Yet remained obedient.

The other thing is what we think is important is not necessarily important. When you what is important is different to what really matters. So the idea of being denied something a person feels they really want to do. Is not necessarily the end of the world. It may seem like missing out.

But in reality when young theres never enough time to study. Its a downer but it will pay off in the end. So its not really punishment in that sense. Though I don't deny that when young missing out of social contact with friends is like the end of the world.

But I think its all in the head. How you see things. We can change our perspective and make something that is a downer into something worthwhile. Live for the moment and make an adventure out of the stuff you don't like. Turn a negative into a positive. You will feel good about it as well.

i now i have done wrong and said sorry to my sister, my parents have locked me in my room for the weekend obvously for punishment , but so i can also have some idea what my sister went though, my punishment is tough, my parents make me get up at 7am both saturday and sunday, i am locked in my room until tomorrow ( EXCEPT BATHROOM BREAKS ) my parents make me spend most of the day at my desk doing school work , i have many subjects not to mention a couple of punishment essays to write, my parents say punishment is to teach the wrongdoer a lesson so they never want to be punished again what do you think ?

 

[Rita]

i now i have done wrong and said sorry to my sister, my parents have locked me in my room for the weekend obvously for punishment , but so i can also have some idea what my sister went though, my punishment is tough, my parents make me get up at 7am both saturday and sunday, i am locked in my room until tomorrow ( EXCEPT BATHROOM BREAKS ) my parents make me spend most of the day at my desk doing school work , i have many subjects not to mention a couple of punishment essays to write, my parents say punishment is to teach the wrongdoer a lesson so they never want to be punished again what do you think ?

Proberbly best to use past tense as your punishment was at the beginning of feb.

 

[tanya1234]

Proberbly best to use past tense as your punishment was at the beginning of feb.

yes you are right but its easier to say its happening now, anyway while i was on punishment i wasnt allowed my pc

 

[Rita]

yes you are right but its easier to say its happening now, anyway while i was on punishment i wasnt allowed my pc

But that is not being honest - you can still relay that despite it being weeks ago you are still struggling.
Do you have your PC back now, if yes then you are no longer being punished.

 

[tanya1234]

But that is not being honest - you can still relay that despite it being weeks ago you are still struggling.
Do you have your PC back now, if yes then you are no longer being punished.

no i am not on punishment now

 

[Wrangler]

are my parents being fair ?

Welcome to the forums. How old are you? What do you think would be fair?

Please tell us about your spiritual journey? You call yourself a Christian. When did you come to Christ? What was that experience like for you?

So do you think you will get different responses here ?
Last Thursday - interesting. You said that on the 4th feb on another forum.
Perhaps be honest if you are doing research for a school project - people prefer that rather than being spun a lie from the onset.

Good catch finding her posting this on another forum. Obviously, she's looking for something from strangers. Perhaps sympathy?

Many people responded with their thoughts on that forum- good Christian honest responses, yet here you are asking for feedback again.

I'm so glad you wrote this for I was going to give a more thoughtful reply. Glad to know other good honest Christians already responded.

So if this did happen then you haven’t moved on or learnt anything because you are still seeking to get Input and still holding on to some resentment with regards to what your parents did. Why, after a month are you still mulling it over. You did wrong , your parents chose to teach you a lesson So that you will think twice if it happens again.

Agreed.

@tanya1234, if I was your father, I'd be disappointed for what you did to your sister. Worse, I'd be frustrated that you resent being punished, thinking you are the victim when you are the victimizer. And worst of all, I'd be outraged to learn your soliciting sympathy online by slandering me in couching me as being unfair. This is doubling down AND doubling down again!

For these last 2 things, I'd extend the punishment to much more than a weekend, probably 2 months. You say you wrote this post while being locked up. (My punishment would include removal of all electronic devices.) Dr. Phil says you can remove everything from your child's room except a blanket and a pillow (not even a bed, clothes or dresser).

So, you deny posting here is a school project?

 

[Rita]

As I have just said in my PM , trust me it’s good that your parents care about discipline - I hated having to punish my own children but equally I wanted them to learn how to treat others In a good way.

 

[Wrangler]

yes you are right but its easier to say its happening now

The right path is seldom the easier path.

 

[Rita]

@Wrangler please still give her your more detailed response. She is 15year old, I don’t know about the motive but she could still do with everyone being open. I was just concerned when I saw the post and didn’t want people to be manipulated.
Its not easy being a teenager xx

 

[stevesonthebay]

i now i have done wrong and said sorry to my sister, my parents have locked me in my room for the weekend obvously for punishment , but so i can also have some idea what my sister went though, my punishment is tough, my parents make me get up at 7am both saturday and sunday, i am locked in my room until tomorrow ( EXCEPT BATHROOM BREAKS ) my parents make me spend most of the day at my desk doing school work , i have many subjects not to mention a couple of punishment essays to write, my parents say punishment is to teach the wrongdoer a lesson so they never want to be punished again what do you think ?

In some ways thats true. When you experience something uncomfortable due to actions it makes you want to avoid it. Its really the fundemental principle of law and order in society. We know that people will even have their complete freedom taken away if they commit crime.

But that should only be one part of the lesson. There is also restorative justice which is more or less understanding what the other person went through and making amends. This is really a life principle. That we confess our wrongs and say sorry or make amends to the other.

Which is different to retribution which is like revenge. A negative way to deal with wrongs done.

Then there is the rehabilitative aspect of wrong doing. Doing homework is sort of like this in that it will hopefully educate and focus a person on reasoning about behaviour. But usually this is related to self reflection.

For example in the work environment if a employee does wrong. Part of the dicipline is some self reflecting and accountability. Perhaps a debrief on what may be troubling the person or if there are any relationship conflicts at work. Or the person is carrying personal problems at work which are affecting them.

This is the most important as this deals with the root cause. Why the person acted that way in the first place. Its always something within the person that can change and not externally. It helps the person become aware of themselves more to grow and change.

Thats why sometimes it may seem unfair because people only see the punitive aspect and no rational for why they are punished. Its important that all these aspects are recognised.

 

[tanya1234]

In some ways thats true. When you experience something uncomfortable due to actions it makes you want to avoid it. Its really the fundemental principle of law and order in society. We know that people will even have their complete freedom taken away if they commit crime.

But that should only be one part of the lesson. There is also restorative justice which is more or less understanding what the other person went through and making amends. This is really a life principle. That we confess our wrongs and say sorry or make amends to the other.

Which is different to retribution which is like revenge. A negative way to deal with wrongs done.

Then there is the rehabilitative aspect of wrong doing. Doing homework is sort of like this in that it will hopefully educate and focus a person on reasoning about behaviour. But usually this is related to self reflection.

For example in the work environment if a employee does wrong. Part of the dicipline is some self reflecting and accountability. Perhaps a debrief on what may be troubling the person or if there are any relationship conflicts at work. Or the person is carrying personal problems at work which are affecting them.

This is the most important as this deals with the root cause. Why the person acted that way in the first place. Its always something within the person that can change and not externally. It helps the person become aware of themselves more to grow and change.

Thats why sometimes it may seem unfair because people only see the punitive aspect and no rational for why they are punished. Its important that all these aspects are recognised.

yes i was made to do homework because i have exams later this year, so as i was locked in my room all weekend as my punishment, my parents thought it would be better for me to study then just look at the 4 walls. the punishment essays my parents set me to to make me think about what i had done wrong as well as to be punish me, WHY DOES PUNISHMENT HAVE TO BE SO TOUGH ?

 

[Rita]

Wouldn’t be punishment if it was easy -

 

[tanya1234]

Wouldn’t be punishment if it was easy -

i know punishment is not supposed to be fun, i think i should have spent one day locked in my room, but not a whole weekend locked up, dont forget i did say sorry to my sister and i know i didnt show remorse at the start but i did eventually, i behaved well while i was on punishment, i done all the homework my parents set , and i completed all the punishment essays my parents set, surly for these reasons i should have been let off with just one day of punishment dont you agree ?

 

[Rita]

i know punishment is not supposed to be fun, i think i should have spent one day locked in my room, but not a whole weekend locked up, dont forget i did say sorry to my sister and i know i didnt show remorse at the start but i did eventually, i behaved well while i was on punishment, i done all the homework my parents set , and i completed all the punishment essays my parents set, surly for these reasons i should have been let off with just one day of punishment dont you agree ?

No I don’t think I do, punishment is based on what you chose to do in the first place. Being sorry doesn’t undo what you did , so therefore the punishment was set for what you had already done. So you believe that you deserved something.
I am sorry Tanya but you are going round in circles here and elsewhere and you are just clinging on to something that has already happened, it’s done and dusted. You did wrong, a punishment was set, you did the punishment and you said sorry. Anything else that I suggested in the PM , it’s your choice whether you act on it. You can either allow this to perpetuate or take responsibility. Your parents were well within their rights to do what they did, think you need to accept that.

 

[tanya1234]

No I don’t think I do, punishment is based on what you chose to do in the first place. Being sorry doesn’t undo what you did , so therefore the punishment was set for what you had already done. So you believe that you deserved something.
I am sorry Tanya but you are going round in circles here and elsewhere and you are just clinging on to something that has already happened, it’s done and dusted. You did wrong, a punishment was set, you did the punishment and you said sorry. Anything else that I suggested in the PM , it’s your choice whether you act on it. You can either allow this to perpetuate or take responsibility. Your parents were well within their rights to do what they did, think you need to accept that.

yes thank you i know you are right, the problem now is because my parents now how much i hated being locked in my room, i now know if i misbehave in the future i will have to spend another weekend locked up, please not i have no intention to misbehave again, my parents said that is the whole point of a misreable punishment to deter future wrongdoing are they right ?