Brother. I was hoping you could edify me, in my own walk. I've been down hard in depression. Thinking what I've experienced was insane. I didn't ask you to boast, but to help me, from another brother. Are you not my brother in Christ? Or am I a son of Satan, the enemy?
Dear Azim, sorry to hear you are into a depression, I don't know what say. Depression is so complex. And terrible. This despite the fact depression runs in my family for 4 generations and I had my fair share in 3 periods lasting ~2 years in waves of 7 years. I am free now for 33 years. Fact is my first depression period lasting ~2 years led me to the Lord, at the depth of my despair the Lord picked me up when I was crying out to Him for help, a life changing experience.
Depression is so complex, can have so many reasons, in my case the problem was 2 folded. Problem one, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, some gland over there is lazy and did not produce the necessary serotonin, doctor gave me a subscription for a new medicine (1993) and within 6 weeks I was my usual self again, a miracle, never been depressed.
And there was a second problem bigger than the physical one, spiritual in nature. As a young Christian I became fascinated in the teachings of Watchman Nee, in fact I have read every book of him that was translated into Dutch. And I opened myself for leading a life in the Holy Spirit (Rom 8), overcoming sin (8:13) and receiving God's guidance, for instance this (and other verses) :
Isa 30:21 And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
And in retrospect here things went wrong. I had this desire to work for the Lord full time and at some point I had faith (was convinced) the Lord wanted this too. And so I gave up my good job and we started to live like that, we had some money so we could afford it, waiting and trusting the Lord He would care for the financial part. And it did not happen, after 9 months the money was up and I had to find a job to feed the mouths of my wife and 3 children. And I was devastated, what went wrong, I did not know and I fell into another depression, nothing to do with a chemical imbalance in my brain. This was serious. My faith was shaken, something was very wrong, but what?
And I realized I had to change, never make this mistake again, but how? I did nevertheless. Answers came eventually by revelation from the Lord. My walk in the Spirit back then was for real but
mixed with self interest and pride, thus not pure, unacceptable for the Lord. An eye opener in tears and yet such a big lesson, but the lesson was 2 folded.
While the first part was learned (I am such a sinner, in my flesh is no good) the next part of the lesson was not learned, namely, while knowing I was forgiven, the disappointment in myself was still there. But why? Aha, that is pride as well. I still had not seen what I am, a sinner, it's what sinners do, so why the the disappointment in myself?, still hoping to do better next time? Give the flesh another big spanking and try again? And that's what I did for decades. Better not.
Alright, this has been way too long, likely it won't reflect your depression but maybe you can elaborate a bit about your depression and maybe I can say something that makes sense.
Jesus loves you.