“I feel bad that I saw what I saw. I could delete the OP..” I’m thankful you shared your battle here. What I’ve noticed about you (and could be wrong) but you allow others to study and move with you. While your discovering things anew you are sharing it. It is different in my opinion, then those that never speak to you except to show up and ring a buzzer loudly “wrong!” and then they disappear. Only making a presence long enough to push that loud sounding buzzer and then they are gone...because they are not interested in walking with anyone through anything. Love you exploration and love for abandoning what others think and just allowing Him to lead you even if it is tough and at first makes no sense why...why do You have me looking into this. All just an opinion; but you feel bad for being open while others never feel bad for only showing up to ring that buzzer that makes them right and you wrong.
I like people.
I thought I didn't like people most my life. I never took to them, they didn't take to me. I was kind of an outcast.
I kept all my thoughts and feelings to myself and it would eat me up. I got questions, so many questions. But no answers.
I found a Forum a long time ago. I don't know why God led me there.
I had a dream.. I was kind of inbetween wakey/sleepy.. these images dominated everything.
I saw (this hurts) .. I saw abortions up front and personal as if I was in the wombs experiencing everything...
Thousands and thousands..... over and over....
I barely made it to the bathroom. I called in sick to work for 3 days.. then I just quit. I couldn't compose myself.
So I went on the internet looking for a distraction, anything, anything.. to make me see something else.
There was a forum and it's gone now. I don't know where they all went perhaps scattered here and there.
But I started posting. Took me a long time to make my first post. I was afraid I would say something wrong.
They wouldn't like me.. I would be an outcast even on the internet.
People would actually debate me and we would ask questions and little by little some of those questions I had in myself, I was able to share. And other people had questions too. And everyone was sharing with everyone, good and bad.. didn't matter, people were sharing and talking.
The more I posted the more open I became to accepting criticism of myself. I was very defensive at first. I think we are always mostly on defence, wanting to protect the reason why we think the way we do.
And I kept coming up against Paul, and others questioned Paul. I wasn't the only one seeing and questioning, what about Paul??
But you couldn't post questions because that's auto-attack mode, no matter what. Boom.. don't question authority. move along nothing to see here.
This Forum, the people here, all of you...
The Love and charity and goodness of all your hearts
I can feel that.
Even the ones that seem contentuous are here for the iron to sharpen the iron.
It makes you dig deeper, look harder, explore more.
It teaches you patience, kindness, grace, mercy..
Makes the fruit sweeter and it's good medicine.
Blessings.. each and every one of you.
I am learning. I am growing. I make mistakes. I get frustrated. I get indignant. I get understanding, I get patience.
I learn Empathy, Compassion, Mercy, and Grace.
And I am honored and thankful for everyone's patience and grace with me.
And so after having been here for a short time, I felt I found a safe place where I could post and put it in writing, what exactly are the issues that I'm having with Paul? Why does he rub me the wrong way? I had to literally write it and not keep it inside, because the answers are in front of my face. not tucked away in some hidden part of my brain. festering..
I knew before I began it would be offensive to some or even many.
But after being here.. I knew the atmosphere..
There is so much love and forgiveness and patience in this forum.
Maybe some don't see it or feel it like I do, but it's the truth.
And I knew that even if I did cause offence, that those offended had more forgiveness in their hearts, than the offence itself.
I am grateful for this sanctuary among so many friends.
Even though I don't say it much...
I love you all.
And
Thank You
Hugs