Clean Jokes Thread

Mancunian · Wednesday at 12:56 PM

My wife hates the rain, it was pouring with heavy rain yesterday. My wife just stood there looking through the window with a very sad expression on her face.... Don't worry though, I let her back in eventually.

My doctor asked me to provide a stool sample, so I've enrolled on a basic woodworking course.

The scariest thing that I've ever done is skydiving.
I got into the aircraft and they strapped me to somebody.
Out we jumped and halfway down he said "So, how long have you been an instructor?"

Mancunian · Wednesday at 1:51 PM

My wife called me immature, so I told her to get out of my treehouse.

Somebody broke into our local police station and stole the toilet.When the sergeant was asked if there were any suspects he said "We don't have anything to go on."

Two snowmen were having a chat one said to the other "Can you smell carrots?"

Mancunian · Wednesday at 2:02 PM

A sausage and an egg are in a frying pan, the sausage says "Hot in here isn't it?"
The egg says " I don't believe it! A talking sausage."

Debp · Wednesday at 5:06 PM

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Mancunian · Wednesday at 5:12 PM

Larger ladies tend to live longer than their husbands who mention it.

Mancunian · Thursday at 12:08 PM

An American gets into a taxi outside Heathrow airport London.
He says to the driver "Back home we have airports five times bigger than this."

The driver just nods.

When they reach the motorway he says "Back home we have freeways twice as wide as this."

The driver just nods.

They pass The Shard and he says "Back home we have skyscrapers three times as tall as this."

The driver just nods.

As they approach a hospital he asks "What is that building?"

The driver replies "That's a hospital."
The American says"Back home we have hospitals ten times bigger than that."

The driver replies "Yes well, it is a mental hospital."

Mancunian · Friday at 3:45 AM

Yesterday I drove past a banner that was advertising a 'Family Fun Day.:
I thought to myself.... There's three words that shouldn't be in the same sentence.

A irishman prayed to God every night for a year.
"Please God, let me win the lottery."
Eventually he asked God why he hadn't won anything.
God replied "Son, you have to work with me and buy a ticket."

Mancunian · Friday at 3:52 AM

A man is walking his dog when he comes across an old friend.
They're having a conversation when suddenly the dog stands up on his back legs and puts his front legs against a wall to urinate.
The friend says "Wow, that's clever, how long has he been doing that for?"
The man replies "Ever since a wall fell on him."

Mancunian · Friday at 9:34 AM

Before she dated me, my wife dated a clown.
I had some large shoes to fill.

Mancunian · Friday at 2:32 PM

My uncle drowned.
For the funeral I bought a wreath that was shaped liked a lifejacket.... It's what he would have wanted.

Mancunian · Friday at 2:35 PM

My great grandfather was killed at work, he drowned in a vat of Guinness.
The investigators couldn't understand why he got out twice for a wee.

Mancunian · Friday at 4:41 PM

I've deleted all of my Danish contacts from my phone.
It's now Hans free.

Mancunian · Friday at 4:43 PM

I'm always missing my mother in law.
I wish that I was a better shot.

Debp · Friday at 9:04 PM

Four Brothers Left Home For College To Become A Lawyer, Doctor, Scientist And Entertainer

They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift.

Some years later, chatting after a wonderful dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mom."

The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a car with a chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mom loves reading the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 12 priests 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her thank-you notes. She wrote:

"John, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."

"James, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost most of my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."

"Adam, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. A million thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

Stumpmaster · Saturday at 1:36 AM

What do you call an internet comedian?

A memedian — the meme‑smith who forges punchlines out of pixels.
A net‑wit — the digital cousin of the “nitwit,” except intentionally funny.
A cyber‑comic — performs exclusively on stages made of HTML.
A web‑jester — court fool of the online kingdom.
A laugh‑streamer — jokes flow like bandwidth.
A click‑comedian — humour delivered one tap at a time.
An online laughminer - chipping away at the unamused interface.

Stumpmaster · Saturday at 3:03 AM

Riven · Saturday at 3:41 AM

Clean jokes?

Mancunian · Saturday at 11:20 AM

Why not?

Riven · Saturday at 2:32 PM

Mancunian said:
Why not?

Because I can't make jokes otherwise. :confused

Mancunian · 2026-09-15T12:07:03-0500

What is ET short for?

Because he's got little legs.

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