Clean Jokes Thread

[Mancunian]

My wife hates the rain, it was pouring with heavy rain yesterday. My wife just stood there looking through the window with a very sad expression on her face.... Don't worry though, I let her back in eventually.

My doctor asked me to provide a stool sample, so I've enrolled on a basic woodworking course.

The scariest thing that I've ever done is skydiving.
I got into the aircraft and they strapped me to somebody.
Out we jumped and halfway down he said "So, how long have you been an instructor?"

 

[Mancunian]

My wife called me immature, so I told her to get out of my treehouse.

Somebody broke into our local police station and stole the toilet.When the sergeant was asked if there were any suspects he said "We don't have anything to go on."

Two snowmen were having a chat one said to the other "Can you smell carrots?"

 

[Mancunian]

A sausage and an egg are in a frying pan, the sausage says "Hot in here isn't it?"
The egg says " I don't believe it! A talking sausage."

 

[Debp]

A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you." The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?" She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"


I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”



My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

 

[Mancunian]

Larger ladies tend to live longer than their husbands who mention it.

 

[Mancunian]

An American gets into a taxi outside Heathrow airport London.
He says to the driver "Back home we have airports five times bigger than this."

The driver just nods.

When they reach the motorway he says "Back home we have freeways twice as wide as this."

The driver just nods.

They pass The Shard and he says "Back home we have skyscrapers three times as tall as this."

The driver just nods.

As they approach a hospital he asks "What is that building?"

The driver replies "That's a hospital."
The American says"Back home we have hospitals ten times bigger than that."

The driver replies "Yes well, it is a mental hospital."

 

[Mancunian]

Yesterday I drove past a banner that was advertising a 'Family Fun Day.:
I thought to myself.... There's three words that shouldn't be in the same sentence.

A irishman prayed to God every night for a year.
"Please God, let me win the lottery."
Eventually he asked God why he hadn't won anything.
God replied "Son, you have to work with me and buy a ticket."

 

[Mancunian]

A man is walking his dog when he comes across an old friend.
They're having a conversation when suddenly the dog stands up on his back legs and puts his front legs against a wall to urinate.
The friend says "Wow, that's clever, how long has he been doing that for?"
The man replies "Ever since a wall fell on him."