Deliverance from the Deepest Darkness — My War with Porn

[RenewedStrength316]

This isn’t a testimony for the faint of heart.
This is for the ones who’ve been to the edge.
Who didn’t just “struggle with porn,”
but got swallowed whole by it.

I wasn’t curious—I was consumed.
I didn’t just fall—I descended.
Into gay porn.
Into beastiality.
Into the filth that nobody talks about in church.
Into cam sites where souls auction themselves off for attention.
Into fantasies so dark, I questioned if I could ever be clean again.

I went where most won’t admit they’ve been.
And Satan told me I’d never come back.
That I was unredeemable.
Beyond the blood.
Too far gone.
Too twisted to be holy again.

He lied.

Because Jesus walked into that pit and pulled me out with blood on His hands and fire in His eyes.

> “He brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock…” — Psalm 40:2



Let me make this brutally clear:
This wasn’t recovery.
This wasn’t therapy.
This was deliverance.


---

The Truth About Porn That No One Wants to Say

Porn is not about pleasure.
It’s about pain misdiagnosed.
It’s about identity stolen, wounds infected, and desires warped in the absence of truth.

Porn isn’t just lust—it’s spiritual trafficking.
It hijacks your ability to love, to feel, to worship.
It trains you to seek God’s image in perversion instead of purity.

> “Their glory is in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.” — Philippians 3:19



People say, “Well at least I’m not hurting anyone.”
But every time you click, you’re eating poison.
You’re empowering an industry that devours souls.
You’re hardening your heart to the voice of God.
And worst of all?
You’re inviting spirits into your house that don’t leave quietly.

Let’s stop pretending this is just about “making better choices.”
This is about choosing between life and death (Deuteronomy 30:19).
And every time you choose the screen, the fantasy, the abyss—you’re choosing death.


---

No One Talks About the Fallout

You lose intimacy.
You start hiding.
You hate yourself.
You lie to everyone—especially God.
And slowly, without realizing it, you start believing you’re too filthy to be loved.

I’ve wept on the floor.
I’ve begged God to kill me rather than let me sin again.
I’ve thought about ending it just to silence the war in my head.

But God didn’t kill me.
He resurrected me.

He didn’t say, “Try harder.”
He said, “Die to it. Let Me kill it in you.”
And He did.
Not overnight. Not without pain.
But with fire.


---

The Gospel Still Applies in the Darkest Room

Let me say this for every man, woman, or teen reading this who thinks they’ve gone too far:

You are not beyond the cross.

Jesus knew every click, every video, every fantasy—and He still picked up the whip, the cross, the nails.
Not to excuse your sin, but to kill it.

> “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” — Romans 5:8



You want freedom?
Then stop pretending.
Drag it into the light, and let Jesus burn it down.

He didn’t save me because I was strong.
He saved me because I was dead, and He’s the Resurrection and the Life.


---

Final Warning and Final Hope

Don’t wait until you lose your marriage.
Don’t wait until you lose your soul.
Don’t wait until the mask falls off and there’s nothing left underneath.

If you’re still breathing, you can be made new.

But you can’t hide and be healed at the same time.
You must repent, not just from porn—but from the lies that kept you bound:

“I’m too far gone.”

“It’s not that bad.”

“No one needs to know.”


> “If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship…and the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin.” — 1 John 1:7




---

I’m Not Who I Was

I’m Shane.
I was addicted to darkness.
I chased the worst of it.
But Jesus chased me harder.
And now I write, compose, warn, weep, and fight.
Not as a perfect man—but as a free one.

This is not a message from a clean-cut preacher.
This is a cry from a man who should be dead, but isn’t.
And that means there’s hope for you.

> “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony…” — Revelation 12:11



The blood is still fresh.
The tomb is still empty.
And the fire is still burning.

Come into the light.

 

[Kokyu]

I appreciate the passion of your call to sinners to be free of their bondage to sin. Where, though, is your explanation of the "way of escape" from temptation about which the apostle Paul wrote? (1 Cor. 10:13) Is it not futile to tell people a way to freedom from the power of sin exists but not where or what that way is?

Also, be very, very careful about making your personal experience the basis for your authority to speak on the matter of freedom from sin. It is precisely because Jesus never descended into sin and darkness that he has the power and authority over these things that he does. It isn't, then, how deep into sin we've gone that qualifies us to speak about spiritual victory, but that our lives bear out the truth of God's word concerning how to live victorious in Jesus Christ.

It isn't how bad we were that is the baseline by which we judge our success spiritually, but how much of the pure, gracious and wise Jesus we express in our living.

 

[RenewedStrength316]

I appreciate the passion of your call to sinners to be free of their bondage to sin. Where, though, is your explanation of the "way of escape" from temptation about which the apostle Paul wrote? (1 Cor. 10:13) Is it not futile to tell people a way to freedom from the power of sin exists but not where or what that way is?

Also, be very, very careful about making your personal experience the basis for your authority to speak on the matter of freedom from sin. It is precisely because Jesus never descended into sin and darkness that he has the power and authority over these things that he does. It isn't, then, how deep into sin we've gone that qualifies us to speak about spiritual victory, but that our lives bear out the truth of God's word concerning how to live victorious in Jesus Christ.

It isn't how bad we were that is the baseline by which we judge our success spiritually, but how much of the pure, gracious and wise Jesus we express in our living.

Thanks for your thoughtful response. I appreciate your heart for sound doctrine and your desire to point people to the true way of escape in Christ.

My testimony is just that—a personal story of Jesus rescuing me from bondage and setting me free. It’s not meant to replace or explain every biblical principle, but to give evidence that God’s power really transforms lives.

I agree that spiritual victory is ultimately about reflecting Jesus’ character, and I pray that fruitfulness grows in every believer. But sometimes the first step is simply telling the truth about where we’ve been and what Christ has done.

Thanks again for engaging with my post. I pray we all keep pointing others to Jesus—the only true way out.

 

[Kokyu]

My testimony is just that—a personal story of Jesus rescuing me from bondage and setting me free. It’s not meant to replace or explain every biblical principle, but to give evidence that God’s power really transforms lives.

This is certainly what many men, in particular, need to hear these days. I encounter so many of them within the Church caught in porn! It's very good to hear of one who has been delivered by God from this addiction.

I agree that spiritual victory is ultimately about reflecting Jesus’ character, and I pray that fruitfulness grows in every believer. But sometimes the first step is simply telling the truth about where we’ve been and what Christ has done.

I understand. I hear Christian guys often saying something like the following: "I'm not the man I want to be, but, thank God, I'm not the man I used to be." This sort of statement always makes me cringe inwardly. Why? Because it makes the man's past wickedness his baseline for gauging his success spiritually.

This isn't, though, the basis God sets out for us in His word, right? God doesn't say to us, "If you're not as bad as you once were, you're doing all right." No, Jesus said "Be you therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect" (Matt. 5:48). Paul the apostle wrote that we are all to be conformed to the image of Christ (Ro. 8:29). In both of these statements, the goal isn't to be less awful than we've been but to be more and more like our holy, perfect God.

Imagine a man who's lived in a foul, stinking, bug-infested swamp finally leaving it for a distant, glorious, snow-capped mountain. As he walks toward the mountain, he's constantly judging his journey to it by his distance from the swamp. Every few steps, the man is looking over his shoulder at the swamp, contemplating its awfulness, rehearsing how dreadful it was to live in. Instead, of the glory and wonder of the mountain before him lifting his heart and motivating his journey, the man is constantly absorbed with the mire and stink of the swamp. As a result, the man doesn't really notice the meadow he's in, the gently waving grasses and flowers, the humming bees and chirping birds. And because he's so often looking back at the swamp, he frequently trips over things, and stumbles and falls. Though his body is freed from the misery of the swamp, the man's mind remains imprisoned by it and so, the many joys of the journey to the mountain are soured by his preoccupation with the swamp, or missed altogether.

This little word-picture helps me to explain what the problem is with making one's sinful past the means of judging one's spiritual success in the present. Do you see what I'm getting at? I hope so.

The normal Christian life isn't plagued by sin. Paul said as much in his letter to the Romans.

Romans 6:1-2
1 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase?
2 May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?

If more Christian men understood Romans 6, and lived in it, and taught other men how to do so, porn would not be the epidemic in the Church that it is.

 

[RenewedStrength316]

This is certainly what many men, in particular, need to hear these days. I encounter so many of them within the Church caught in porn! It's very good to hear of one who has been delivered by God from this addiction.



I understand. I hear Christian guys often saying something like the following: "I'm not the man I want to be, but, thank God, I'm not the man I used to be." This sort of statement always makes me cringe inwardly. Why? Because it makes the man's past wickedness his baseline for gauging his success spiritually.

This isn't, though, the basis God sets out for us in His word, right? God doesn't say to us, "If you're not as bad as you once were, you're doing all right." No, Jesus said "Be you therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect" (Matt. 5:48). Paul the apostle wrote that we are all to be conformed to the image of Christ (Ro. 8:29). In both of these statements, the goal isn't to be less awful than we've been but to be more and more like our holy, perfect God.

Imagine a man who's lived in a foul, stinking, bug-infested swamp finally leaving it for a distant, glorious, snow-capped mountain. As he walks toward the mountain, he's constantly judging his journey to it by his distance from the swamp. Every few steps, the man is looking over his shoulder at the swamp, contemplating its awfulness, rehearsing how dreadful it was to live in. Instead, of the glory and wonder of the mountain before him lifting his heart and motivating his journey, the man is constantly absorbed with the mire and stink of the swamp. As a result, the man doesn't really notice the meadow he's in, the gently waving grasses and flowers, the humming bees and chirping birds. And because he's so often looking back at the swamp, he frequently trips over things, and stumbles and falls. Though his body is freed from the misery of the swamp, the man's mind remains imprisoned by it and so, the many joys of the journey to the mountain are soured by his preoccupation with the swamp, or missed altogether.

This little word-picture helps me to explain what the problem is with making one's sinful past the means of judging one's spiritual success in the present. Do you see what I'm getting at? I hope so.

The normal Christian life isn't plagued by sin. Paul said as much in his letter to the Romans.

Romans 6:1-2
1 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase?
2 May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?

If more Christian men understood Romans 6, and lived in it, and taught other men how to do so, porn would not be the epidemic in the Church that it is.

Amen—thank you for the thoughtful reply, brother. You're absolutely right that our standard isn’t ‘better than I was,’ but ‘conformed to Christ’ (Rom. 8:29). That’s the high calling. That’s the mountain.

But I also know from experience that you can’t get to that mountain by pretending the swamp never existed.

I talk about where I was not to glorify it, but to magnify the Deliverer. The blood of Christ is not a motivational speech—it’s a ransom. And I was bought with it. That memory doesn’t chain me anymore, but it reminds me what I was rescued from. Jesus told the demonized man in Mark 5 to go home and tell what the Lord had done for him—that’s not preoccupation with the swamp, that’s worship of the One who pulled me out.

You’re right—Romans 6 is a declaration of war. We died to sin. I didn’t ‘manage’ my addiction, I let it be crucified. And now every time I share my testimony, it’s not to look back, but to tell others stuck in the filth: ‘He can pull you out too.’

The swamp didn’t save me. The mountain didn’t save me. Jesus did. And I’ll shout that until the day I see Him face to face."

 

[Kokyu]

But I also know from experience that you can’t get to that mountain by pretending the swamp never existed.

Hmmm... This is an interesting statement. Does one's journey toward Christ-likeness, toward ever-deeper fellowship with God, require that one recall the "swamp of sin" one once occupied? All I see in the NT are commands to orient my focus upon the "mountain":

Hebrews 12:2-3
2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

2 Corinthians 3:17-18
17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.
18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Philippians 4:8
8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

No one ever became more like Christ by staring at their sin, or at the World, or the devil. Only as my attention is fixed on my Lord, on the Author and Perfecter of my faith, am I "changed into the same image from glory to glory" by the Holy Spirit. And so, I daily do as Paul said to do:

Philippians 3:12-14
12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,
14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

I talk about where I was not to glorify it, but to magnify the Deliverer. The blood of Christ is not a motivational speech—it’s a ransom. And I was bought with it. That memory doesn’t chain me anymore, but it reminds me what I was rescued from. Jesus told the demonized man in Mark 5 to go home and tell what the Lord had done for him—that’s not preoccupation with the swamp, that’s worship of the One who pulled me out.

It can be, yes.

The Israelites were commanded by God to remember what He'd done for them in delivering them from Egypt (the Passover), and bringing them into the Promised Land of Canaan. Through the repetition of Communion, Christians are to regularly rehearse the sacrifice of Christ on the cross for their sins (1 Co. 11:23-26). So, there is definitely a place for proclaiming the past works of God, for recalling His acts of deliverance of His own. The tricky bit is making God the centerpiece of these occasions and not the depth of our sinfulness, or the enormity of our struggle to be free of our sin.

You’re right—Romans 6 is a declaration of war. We died to sin. I didn’t ‘manage’ my addiction, I let it be crucified. And now every time I share my testimony, it’s not to look back, but to tell others stuck in the filth: ‘He can pull you out too.’

A wonderful and necessary message for these days, to be sure! Few are those who understand and have experienced the supernatural power of the truths of Romans 6.

The swamp didn’t save me. The mountain didn’t save me. Jesus did. And I’ll shout that until the day I see Him face to face."

Well, the swamp and mountain thing was just an analogy, right? Of course, it is Jesus who "saves to the uttermost" (He. 7:25). Amen. Just don't forget to tell folks how he rescues His children from temptation and sin!

 

[RenewedStrength316]

Hmmm... This is an interesting statement. Does one's journey toward Christ-likeness, toward ever-deeper fellowship with God, require that one recall the "swamp of sin" one once occupied? All I see in the NT are commands to orient my focus upon the "mountain":

Hebrews 12:2-3
2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

2 Corinthians 3:17-18
17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.
18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

Philippians 4:8
8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

No one ever became more like Christ by staring at their sin, or at the World, or the devil. Only as my attention is fixed on my Lord, on the Author and Perfecter of my faith, am I "changed into the same image from glory to glory" by the Holy Spirit. And so, I daily do as Paul said to do:

Philippians 3:12-14
12 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.
13 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,
14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.



It can be, yes.

The Israelites were commanded by God to remember what He'd done for them in delivering them from Egypt (the Passover), and bringing them into the Promised Land of Canaan. Through the repetition of Communion, Christians are to regularly rehearse the sacrifice of Christ on the cross for their sins (1 Co. 11:23-26). So, there is definitely a place for proclaiming the past works of God, for recalling His acts of deliverance of His own. The tricky bit is making God the centerpiece of these occasions and not the depth of our sinfulness, or the enormity of our struggle to be free of our sin.



A wonderful and necessary message for these days, to be sure! Few are those who understand and have experienced the supernatural power of the truths of Romans 6.



Well, the swamp and mountain thing was just an analogy, right? Of course, it is Jesus who "saves to the uttermost" (He. 7:25). Amen. Just don't forget to tell folks how he rescues His children from temptation and sin!

Thanks for your thoughtful reply—I appreciate the heart behind it. I totally agree that keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus is the key. Without Him, none of us make it.

At the same time, I think remembering the “swamp” isn’t about dwelling on sin or shame—it’s about recognizing the depth of what Jesus rescued us from. That awareness helps keep us humble and thankful, not stuck or defeated.

Paul definitely pressed forward, but he also didn’t pretend his past didn’t shape him. That story of grace fuels everything we do—it reminds us why we need Jesus every day.

So yeah, the mountain and the swamp go together. We fix our eyes on Jesus and hold onto the reality of His rescue from the mess we were in. Both parts keep us grounded and real.

Thanks again for engaging so kindly—I’m glad to wrestle through these things with others who want to see the full picture.

 

[ScottA]

@RenewedStrength316

Your testimony is good and has purpose. However, once we are at the point of being stoned, the message from Christ is, "Go and sin no more." Which is to say, we also are not to stone ourselves.

The temptation is real, and yes, Satan is in it--but so is God. The reason for porn now on the world stage--let he who has an ear understand--is because it is "image." For the same reason the rainbow is now also on the world stage. It is a reminder of the promise of God. In terms of porn being that of "image" lust and sin-- It is not only the world that has become consumed, but also the church. But I do not mean porn as you do--I mean porn as in the "image" we were created as, in this "image" (matter)-based world.

We have become comfortable in the flesh ("image"), and made a home of it. How, then shall we lose it, that we can actually ascend from it? How do we go from having and loving this "image"-based would-be reality, to be at home with "so is everyone born of the spirit"--not visible? How can our invisible spirit ever be trusted with what is visible--if we cannot first conquer our lust of it...and let it go, lose it?

The message is, that we have need to find greater love for what is unseen--first. God is unseen.