I think I'm getting divorced.

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WhiteKnuckle

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I'm not going to play the victim here, but It may seem so. There's 2 sides to every story I guess.

As some of you know I've been battling alcohol for some time now. I've remained 98% sober for the past 3 years.

The past few weeks I've been drinking atleast once a week. I'm ashamed, but it is what it is.

I can give excuses, which I will list.


Firstly, I've been working my but off in Judo and recently earned the rank of Brown Belt (Sankyu), at the time my Sensei told me aobut my upcomming test, he told me, "You should think about being a Ref, and helping new people learn proper technique, we need people here that are welcoming and will work with beginners...." (this sounded great at first.) I said, "Sensei, I want to compete." Sensei gave me the hairy eyeball and said, "have you competed before?" I said, "Yes" Sensei asked, "How
d you do?" I said, "I lost miserably". Sensei said, "Well, competing isn't for everyone. What happens if you loose the use of your arm?" I said, Well,"I've trained myself to do my job with one arm just incase." Sensei said, "Well, so and so chose not to compete because the reward isn't worth the risk" It went on and on. Since then I've been on a downward spiral. I chose this sport so I could compete, and now I feel like I'm the worse guy in the dojo. I've even been sent to the guy all the black belts told me not to listen to. This guy is supposed to teach me. Now, all my Judo feels worthless.

That said, I'm arthritic, and get tired of feeling pain all over. So, I went back to alcohol to help. Stupid I know, but, damn it, I'm tired of pain. Emotionally I'm Okay, except this Judo thing, and the arthritis. Now, i began thinking about how my wife hasn't done anything to help me or support me in anything.........

And that's where I am now. I got drunk, and asked a couple questions, wich were refused. I've got no support from this woman, and I'm miserable with here. My house is dirty, smells like dogs, and ther's always dogs around. i pull my mildewed clothes from the dryer and they're covered in dog hair. She rarely cleans, she rarely cooks., and all the cares about is dogs, dog grooming, and creative dog grooming. She's gained weight and refuses to do anything about it.

Point blank, I'm tired of catering to a woman that refuses to support me in my dreams, goals, sobriety, or cleanliness. It seems she doesn't care, although I know she loves me, I'm miserable.

Tonight, after she refused to answer any of my questions, I decided to tell her how miserable I am with her, and other various insults. They didn't seem like insults, but I guess they were. I told her that I'm miserable with her. I'm tired of her not taking care of the house and everything covered in dog hair (no exageration) I'm tired of her being bossy, and manipulative, I'm tired of her not caring for my goals or dreams, and only caring for herself. I'm tiried of living in the state, town, and house she want's. I'm tired of her not giving thought to me, and I'm tired of her getting fat. I'm embarassed to be seen with her and I'm tire of being the one expected to change.

Point blank, I called my wife a fat, selfish, spoiled, egotistical, selfish stupid whore, that cares only about her self, and I hate her mom and dad for bringing her spoiled ass up this way. I told her I hated her, and hated being with her, and she brings me down. I can't stand it anymore. I'd rather be broke and alone.

We're both wrong, but, I think I'm more wrong simply because I'm drinking. But damn it, I have not a single support
! All my friends drinik, or sometimes don't, and the others ride with OMG's. My bike is still in disrepare because I know if I can ride again, I'll be an Outlaw.

this is stupid, Why had my life gotten worse after I got sober?

I forgot to add the important question, "Sice I've been sober, What have you done to improve yoursellf?"
 

jburic09032

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Sent you a message

What will happen when you divorce your wife? Your life will really fall to shambles.
Apologize to her and ask her if she shares in your dreams and why/why not.
The important thing is that she loves you. Im sure with a little effort from both of you, you can work it out.
 
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aspen

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Hey there WK......

I am going to PM.
 

Rach1370

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You know, most advice offered may not be all that helpful, simply because we don't know the people involved or the situation.
But I can say that I'm sorry that you're hurting. It's obvious that you are, and no...it's not unreasonable for you to want your wife's support and consideration....one could almost say that perhaps her love isn't exactly true if she does not give you those things. True love is selfless.
On the flip side...man, I wince at the insults! As a woman, and wife, if those things were said to me....kaboom!
But to be honest....I was probably in the same place you say your wife is at, a few years ago...minus the dogs!! I was very unwell, couldn't really do anything...and gradually everything became about me. My husband couldn't do anything right....ever! But God totally blessed me...by healing me a little, and by opening my eyes to what love is really about. Now....I can still be a cow...can't everyone! But honestly...I really try to look after him. And our relationship is great...better than ever. At a time I thought it was dead in the water, somehow, something changed. Maybe it was me, maybe it was him...most likely it was both. I don't know...but I do know that it wouldn't have happened without God's help and grace. So pray. Pray for her....as I said, I don't know the circumstances, but often women pile on weight if they're miserable too. Ask her if she's happy, ask how you can serve her, and then let her know how she could serve you.

Oh....and it sounds like you could use some new friends....how about praying ones instead of drinking ones!
 
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martinlawrencescott

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I don't really have anything against drinking; only getting drunk, and no, I don't drink. Or at least minimally; I toasted a wedding, which was all I drank since I toasted a New Years party some years back. I guess I'll state what I think. Your alcohol problem seems to be past a state of dependency. I state that because you drink because of a problem, rather than drinking because you're strictly addicted to it. What I mean is your problem right now seems to be linked more to these circumstances and how you're handling them rather than alcoholism. If it weren't the case, then you would be drinking even when times were good. I'm not saying you won't/can't lapse back into a state of dependency, because you're drinking to cope with these problems. I mean, that's probably along the lines of how it started in the first place. Am I right?

I relate addiction to one another and how I've experienced addiction similarly in my own life. Addressing a coping method doesn't fix the problem(s) you were coping about. Not all addictions are coping methods, but I'm going to take a shot and say most are. So I'm taking a shot at saying your drinking is symptomatic right now of your other problems. That still doesn't mean you should be drinking. It's best to switch to another coping method at this point. So if social drinking is a tendency for you and hinders your ability to cope properly, you are going to need new friends until you can cope without them. Find out something you love to do that doesn't hurt your body or brain, such as martial arts.
Um, screw what your Sensei says? Do what you love. He doesn't have the right to stir you from competing. Go do it. Now...!?

I didn't start with your wife, because I thought those other problems up there were just as serious. Anyway, concerning your wife: I'm wondering whether or not she is a Christian. That kinda determines whether she is a burden you're supposed to bear, or if you can speak into her life in a valid way. If she's a Christian, then speak your heart and establish your authority in Christ, until she establishes hers as well. If she isn't a Christian, then you can't really speak into her life on a spiritual level. That kinda sucks, but it's true- that's how the Holy Spirit works. You can only pray God does a work in her life and changes her from the inside out so she can actually care about someone other than herself.

I don't tote divorce. It's usually a bad idea. I can't think of a situation where I would suggest it. However, it's up to each person individually. Our Lord was sacrificed to cover you either way- will cover you if you do or don't. If you want to find a scriptural reason to divorce, trust me, you will find it. Jesus even talked about this when he said about the Pharisees and their rituals concerning divorce (It's in there and you can justify it however you like). Scripture is full of loopholes on marriage; at least one that's used consistently (I'm serious). God did this to cover your ass when it hurts most. However, if you want to find scriptural reasons to stay married, there are even more scriptural supports (It completely tips the scale in favor of marriage). God favors a marriage that struggles together and overcomes. It demonstrates His loving kindness to the church despite all obstacles. That's not really what you're thinking about right now, but when it's time, think about it. Seriously, think about it. That's all I got.

Blessings in the Father,

Martin
 

Axehead

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Point blank, I'm tired of catering to a woman that refuses to support me in my dreams, goals, sobriety, or cleanliness. It seems she doesn't care, although I know she loves me, I'm miserable.

But does she know you love her? If not, when do you think she stopped knowing it and why?
 

rockytopva

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I think a divorce would be the equivalent of going out of the frying pan into the fire. Do you have a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ? If so.... Talk to him about it and listen to his counsel. If not... I would encourage you to get the Lord Jesus' voice speaking to you on a daily basis.
 

calvaryoakville

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every time i hear this kind of story, I really feel sad... I am also a product of broken family and I know when this happens... children really are the victims....so if you can still make things work....maybe you should pray hard.. I remember the movie FIREPROOF.... very good movie for couples having this kind of problems....
 
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epostle1

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Congratulations on attaining your brown belt. I had an orange belt in wado kai but it was so long ago it's meaningless.

The first step is admitting you are an alcoholic.

Your life didn't get worse when you got sober...hers did. She was/is dependent on you being an alcoholic. When that fell off, she had no sickness to depend on, and got worse. It's called co-dependency. You depended on her sickness as a good reason to drink. That's called double co-dependency.

Your life didn't get better when you stopped drinking, because, I suspect, you confuse abstinence with sobriety. Not drinking is not sobriety. Your life didn't change. Sobriety is the result of having a spiritual awakening by following certain steps. Not drinking just means you are a dry drunk.

You need AA. Find a group, get a sponsor, live the steps, attain sobriety, and as a result, have a spiritual awakening. If you are in a church that poo poo's AA's 12 step program because it isn't "Jesus" enough, you are in a Bible cult and should exit immediately. Normal churches support Alcoholics Anonymous.

And she needs Alanon.

http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash
 

WhiteKnuckle

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Well, a lot has happened sinc!e this time. We've been to counciling, Been to Singapore, England, and Scotland, and, have spent time here at home.

After Singapore, I sustained a major concussion, and a neck sprain. I was sparring a Pro MMA fighter, and we both got into it and next thing I know, BAM! Sensei was mad at me, Mostly because he was scared. He looked like he saw a Ghost. All the entire 50 plus or so in the Dojo was just quiet, and staring at me. Sensei told me, "You're lucky you didn't break your neck! Everyone I've seen, or known, that took that fall broke their neck."

So, I spent some time in bed. It took almost 3 months to get my motor skills back. I now, have no spatial thinking, and have almost no mathematic comprehention, and no spatial skills. I'm emotionally jacked, and my reflexes are half of the normal population.

However, this was the best thing to happen to me! I'm more emotionaly and mentaly jacked than before, but, I'm more empathetic, and had a month of laying in bed just thinking.

I've had the opportunity to talk to my wife, and forgive her for for some things, that I thought happnened.

I feel free now. I'm happy now. Still mentally, I'm jacked up. I can't do math, I can't see shapes, BUT, I can sculpt better than ever. Musically, I'm worthless, which is sad, but, I have something else to excite me.

Now, I've changed my dojo, I've changed my marriage, and changed my life. I've been made to adapt to perceived notions and deal with anger, and limitations. As things are, anger isn't real, or I can't tell if I'm actually angery at the situation. So, I have to find ways to rationalize what's happening.


This is good stuff. As this is my 3rd major concussion out of 5 or 6, I can see that I'm punch drunk and it's helped me to deal with things in a way I never did before. Now I know why I'm angery, But, mostly

I forgive my wife, and I'm excited about that!
 

Suhar

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Souns like you love your belt more then your wife.

Maybe it is time to stop beating up your body, cut down on drinking and give your wife attention instead of demanding attention from her.
 

aspen

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hey wk - glad things are looking up!
 

JB_Reformed Baptist

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Dude, no-one can help you here. I get the feeling that you know what you're going to do and when. It seems strange to me that you would post such a thing. Hey, but that's me. It appears you're possibly a middle aged man, so coming here for advice when most would likely be under your age doesn't seem to fit.

Bottom line alcoholism, drug addiction or an ism for that matter is an escape from MATURITY. Maybe just maybe you prefer to construct your reality and things in it are not shaping up. The first thing you need to get a grip on is not your wife or your domestic situation for that matter but yourself. You will need to address any and all psychological issues that inhibit your maturation.

No man and no mans wife is perfect, thats unfortunately the situation of the fall. But God has given man the ability to rise above his circumstances and lead those whom he is responsible for. Mate. you're responsible for your family and household. Whilst I can sympathize with your pain and suffering, yet it provides no excuse for not manning up.

I don't know if you are a christian, but you need help to breach the psychological barriers that you have erected. I wish you well. :)

JB_ said:
Dude, no-one can help you here. I get the feeling that you know what you're going to do and when. It seems strange to me that you would post such a thing. Hey, but that's me. It appears you're possibly a middle aged man, so coming here for advice when most would likely be under your age doesn't seem to fit.

Bottom line alcoholism, drug addiction or an ism for that matter is an escape from MATURITY. Maybe just maybe you prefer to construct your reality and things in it are not shaping up. The first thing you need to get a grip on is not your wife or your domestic situation for that matter but yourself. You will need to address any and all psychological issues that inhibit your maturation.

No man and no mans wife is perfect, thats unfortunately the situation of the fall. But God has given man the ability to rise above his circumstances and lead those whom he is responsible for. Mate. you're responsible for your family and household. Whilst I can sympathize with your pain and suffering, yet it provides no excuse for not manning up.

I don't know if you are a christian, but you need help to breach the psychological barriers that you have erected. I wish you well. :)
I have since posting the above read other posts and in particular yours. So it almost seems redundant what I said. I'm glad you both have moved on in the relationship and that through conscientious work on your and her behalf will produce a satisfactory
marriage.

Sorry to here of your injuries. Whilst the mind may believe it can still do most things the body is there to remind us it's not so. Been there done that, if you get my drift.

All in all I wish you both well. :)
 

Suhar

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[SIZE=medium]You have no idea just how selfish your post is. Your goal is the only right goal for your family.[/SIZE]

[SIZE=medium]People, especially women get married to create family, have children, have home and sober, loving husband to come home to. Not to pursue clearly futile goal of obtaining colorful belts. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=medium]You know, you just do not want to say it to yourself that in the fighter world you are already “has been”. If you already have health problems and you are not where you wanted to be you will never get there. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=medium]Women let themselves go when they feel that their appearance does not matter to anybody (including you).[/SIZE]

[SIZE=medium]As for a dog… To her that maybe the only creature that loves her unconditionally. Not matter what color the collar it wears. [/SIZE]



[SIZE=medium].[/SIZE]
 

Angelina

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Hey WK!
Great to hear from you again and it's good to get a little good news about some of the life changes that have happened since your last post :) God has a way of working things out for us although sometimes we may have to walk some rugged roads to get there.

Bless ya and I'll be praying for y'all!
 

laid renard

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WhiteKnuckle said:
Well, a lot has happened sinc!e this time. We've been to counciling, Been to Singapore, England, and Scotland, and, have spent time here at home.

After Singapore, I sustained a major concussion, and a neck sprain. I was sparring a Pro MMA fighter, and we both got into it and next thing I know, BAM! Sensei was mad at me, Mostly because he was scared. He looked like he saw a Ghost. All the entire 50 plus or so in the Dojo was just quiet, and staring at me. Sensei told me, "You're lucky you didn't break your neck! Everyone I've seen, or known, that took that fall broke their neck."

So, I spent some time in bed. It took almost 3 months to get my motor skills back. I now, have no spatial thinking, and have almost no mathematic comprehention, and no spatial skills. I'm emotionally jacked, and my reflexes are half of the normal population.

However, this was the best thing to happen to me! I'm more emotionaly and mentaly jacked than before, but, I'm more empathetic, and had a month of laying in bed just thinking.

I've had the opportunity to talk to my wife, and forgive her for for some things, that I thought happnened.

I feel free now. I'm happy now. Still mentally, I'm jacked up. I can't do math, I can't see shapes, BUT, I can sculpt better than ever. Musically, I'm worthless, which is sad, but, I have something else to excite me.

Now, I've changed my dojo, I've changed my marriage, and changed my life. I've been made to adapt to perceived notions and deal with anger, and limitations. As things are, anger isn't real, or I can't tell if I'm actually angery at the situation. So, I have to find ways to rationalize what's happening.


This is good stuff. As this is my 3rd major concussion out of 5 or 6, I can see that I'm punch drunk and it's helped me to deal with things in a way I never did before. Now I know why I'm angery, But, mostly

I forgive my wife, and I'm excited about that!
I'm happy you're feeling better about things, but still couldn't help but notice that in your list your dojo is what came first. Sure you said you are mostly excited concerning your wife, but that was in relation to having to forgive her. Something is not adding up.
I liked what Suhar said about women letting themselves go when they feel no one cares about them, and how the dogs love her unconditionally which is why she is so attentive to them.
It seems she is screaming through her actions that you are not there for her. Just the opposite of what you said, that she is not there for you. She is there, but maybe she feels second best to your martial arts, so why bother ?
Do you think God allowed (not caused) this injury so you can now put your wife before martial arts ? And why would a woman support something that brings a wedge between her and her husband ? That would be marital suicide. A marriage entails pursuing goals together for the good of the couple. Sure you can hobbies apart from your wife, but they shouldn't be pursued to the extreme as if you were a single man.


Praying for your marriage. I hope you let God use this time to heal your marriage. :)

Out of curiosity, is the counselling you have been getting Christian or secular ?
 

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It isn't always about the woman - except that modern American culture would have us believe we ought to worship her.

It isn't always about the man either - except when it comes to blaming someone for family problems, then its always the guys fault.

A marriage is about a three way tie. I'm not writing about something kinky either - it's the man, the woman and the Lord.

A three fold cord, the Good Book says, is not quickly broken.

Sounds like there is no third party in your marriage.
And someone needs to be worshipped besides the woman.
And someone needs to be reminded that Christ took the blame with His blood.
And someone needs to be the pillar of strength and constant good besides the two of you.

I could be wrong here, but don't you think it's high time for a lot of repentance all around?

and that's just me, hollering from the choir loft...
 

aspen

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sometimes a marriage becomes toxic and can no longer be salvaged.