Hi there,
So I am writing this just to process what I am going through mentally, right now, as well as be a beacon to those that struggle with a similar issue (a medication issue). I have been taking my meds consistently for months, even years, gradually getting better and better with or without their help (its a mystery). In some ways I have been relieved that I don't have to think about my worries, on medication, but on the other hand I know it is not good for a man and his medication to be together forever: a wounded arm that stays bandaged, risks becoming gangrene - so it is with medicating the mind.
That said, what happened recently was in reality quite surprising: I took my medication and within a few minutes had a perfectly natural desire to vomit them up. To me, that says not only has the medication reached its efficacy, but I have developed beyond that point and grasped a place of greater health, that does not need to be medicated. The Bible says "one will say 'I am not sick'" (OT from memory), as if to say that people will think themselves well when perhaps they are not; but it does not say "one will say 'medication has not made me well'", as if to say that there is wellness there, that medication is not part of. I wonder if you can see the distinction?
The point is, if I am ready to vomit it up, why do I need it? That is a rational thought, isn't it? I just doubt my psychiatrist will agree; indeed, I don't know how to prove that my ill health has been addressed - these things take years to resolve, at least in my own experience. This might sound strange, but I would very much like to get the urge to vomit again, that it is not just a one off response to medication, with no sense of normal to follow. This is what is hard about medication, it can medicate your own desire to be free of it! At some point the balance of the Holy Spirit, will have to answer for me - yes! that is it! The Holy Spirit! (Now I know why I am writing this here!) I think if the Holy Spirit can answer for me, I will be free!
It is not about me, I realise that now: God's will is for me, to endure - not to labour needlessly. I hope this has been of some encouragement.
God bless.
So I am writing this just to process what I am going through mentally, right now, as well as be a beacon to those that struggle with a similar issue (a medication issue). I have been taking my meds consistently for months, even years, gradually getting better and better with or without their help (its a mystery). In some ways I have been relieved that I don't have to think about my worries, on medication, but on the other hand I know it is not good for a man and his medication to be together forever: a wounded arm that stays bandaged, risks becoming gangrene - so it is with medicating the mind.
That said, what happened recently was in reality quite surprising: I took my medication and within a few minutes had a perfectly natural desire to vomit them up. To me, that says not only has the medication reached its efficacy, but I have developed beyond that point and grasped a place of greater health, that does not need to be medicated. The Bible says "one will say 'I am not sick'" (OT from memory), as if to say that people will think themselves well when perhaps they are not; but it does not say "one will say 'medication has not made me well'", as if to say that there is wellness there, that medication is not part of. I wonder if you can see the distinction?
The point is, if I am ready to vomit it up, why do I need it? That is a rational thought, isn't it? I just doubt my psychiatrist will agree; indeed, I don't know how to prove that my ill health has been addressed - these things take years to resolve, at least in my own experience. This might sound strange, but I would very much like to get the urge to vomit again, that it is not just a one off response to medication, with no sense of normal to follow. This is what is hard about medication, it can medicate your own desire to be free of it! At some point the balance of the Holy Spirit, will have to answer for me - yes! that is it! The Holy Spirit! (Now I know why I am writing this here!) I think if the Holy Spirit can answer for me, I will be free!
It is not about me, I realise that now: God's will is for me, to endure - not to labour needlessly. I hope this has been of some encouragement.
God bless.
