My Miraculous Visitation
I was saved at age 21, now almost 50 years ago, and my salvation itself was a true undeniable miracle. Perhaps some time in the future I will share that amazing story. But today, I wanted to give you a little background on how I came to this place of which I desire to share. I pray it blesses you.
I became a porn addict at a young age. My dad kept a stack of Playboys and Penthouses by his bed, and when no one was at home, even at age 12, I let my spirit absorb the darkness of it. It soon became far more to me than just a way to relieve myself. The claws of evil were sunk very deep into my soul, and this continued on, even after I got married at age 21. Once I got saved, and to be honest much of that was from the guilt I lived under from the porn habit I had, I was convinced that it was to be a thing of the past in my life. After all, Christ was now residing in me! It turns out I was wrong. VERY wrong.
For the next 14 years, I struggled mightily with the evil of sexual lust, masturbation and it often dominated my day. I was not a token porn addict, but a poster child for it. I can remember my heart yearning to find the "free indeed" that that Bible seemed to talk about, the joy unspeakable that was supposed to liberate me from the fleshly lusts that war against the soul, but all I knew was defeat. I remember once at a men's retreat with over 70 men from my charismatic church in attendance, I broke and confessed my bondage and knew that many of my friends there suffered in the same way I did. Yet that night, not one other man spoke up to say that they too were bound. I never felt so dirty, so hopeless, so alone.
The result of my struggle and my seeking for an answer when few wanted to even admit there was a problem left me legalistic and very hard and angry. I could not understand how we could be satisfied with our tickets to heaven and yet in bondage to many things of the world, the flesh and the devil, with no resistance at all, or even any concern. It seemed to me that even as spirit-filled believers, something was missing, but I could not put my finger on what it was.
Then in 1986, after having learned to keep my mouth shut (for the most part, LOL) and working as a home pastor in our church, I received a prophecy by an elderly and very spiritual Russian lady who came to share at our church. Her words were emblazoned into my memory banks.
"This day, I have called you into the ministry, and if you will be faithful in the nearby fields, I will expand the fields, even beyond the seas."
Heady words, and for a man with a big head, the last thing I needed to hear. Surely they would listen to be now. Yeah, right. I received a word from the Lord in 1986, and I wrote a seven page paper entitled "Repentance, only hope for a sleeping bride". I began to pass out tracts, but I suspect I was one of the few who ever had a tract ministry to my elders and pastors. I would chase them down after church and needless to say, I was avoided a lot.
You see, I had been given half of the answer, and it only left me more guilty than ever. Every time I swore that this was the last time I looked and porn and masturbated, I would stand for a while only to eventually fall and the guilt and anger built. In 1987, after going to three church services a week for years, and doing prison ministry and being a home pastor, I did not go to church one Sunday and then the next. And for the next 21 years, I lived the life of isolation from the church. I still loved God, believed that Jesus died for my sins, but being involved in church, no thanks. I was bound and I was bitter, because not only did the church not have an answer, many....multitudes in fact.... did not even seem to care as long as Heaven waited in the end.
During those years, I devoured the Bible for answers. I memorized scripture hoping that would work. I fasted, up to 21 days, water only. Nothing. I was so tired of failing God, so worn out by the guilt and shame and self loathing, that 0one night seven years ago, I was ready to walk away from God. I loved Him. But I also loved porn and I could not take it anymore. I cried out to God, telling Him His way was too high, too hard, impossible. I longs to be Holy, to walk in true obedience but I simply could not. I had run out of things to try. I had no answers... none. . and then it happened.
To be continued....
Thanks for sticking with me here. The good part is coming up.
Blessings,
White Dog
I was saved at age 21, now almost 50 years ago, and my salvation itself was a true undeniable miracle. Perhaps some time in the future I will share that amazing story. But today, I wanted to give you a little background on how I came to this place of which I desire to share. I pray it blesses you.
I became a porn addict at a young age. My dad kept a stack of Playboys and Penthouses by his bed, and when no one was at home, even at age 12, I let my spirit absorb the darkness of it. It soon became far more to me than just a way to relieve myself. The claws of evil were sunk very deep into my soul, and this continued on, even after I got married at age 21. Once I got saved, and to be honest much of that was from the guilt I lived under from the porn habit I had, I was convinced that it was to be a thing of the past in my life. After all, Christ was now residing in me! It turns out I was wrong. VERY wrong.
For the next 14 years, I struggled mightily with the evil of sexual lust, masturbation and it often dominated my day. I was not a token porn addict, but a poster child for it. I can remember my heart yearning to find the "free indeed" that that Bible seemed to talk about, the joy unspeakable that was supposed to liberate me from the fleshly lusts that war against the soul, but all I knew was defeat. I remember once at a men's retreat with over 70 men from my charismatic church in attendance, I broke and confessed my bondage and knew that many of my friends there suffered in the same way I did. Yet that night, not one other man spoke up to say that they too were bound. I never felt so dirty, so hopeless, so alone.
The result of my struggle and my seeking for an answer when few wanted to even admit there was a problem left me legalistic and very hard and angry. I could not understand how we could be satisfied with our tickets to heaven and yet in bondage to many things of the world, the flesh and the devil, with no resistance at all, or even any concern. It seemed to me that even as spirit-filled believers, something was missing, but I could not put my finger on what it was.
Then in 1986, after having learned to keep my mouth shut (for the most part, LOL) and working as a home pastor in our church, I received a prophecy by an elderly and very spiritual Russian lady who came to share at our church. Her words were emblazoned into my memory banks.
"This day, I have called you into the ministry, and if you will be faithful in the nearby fields, I will expand the fields, even beyond the seas."
Heady words, and for a man with a big head, the last thing I needed to hear. Surely they would listen to be now. Yeah, right. I received a word from the Lord in 1986, and I wrote a seven page paper entitled "Repentance, only hope for a sleeping bride". I began to pass out tracts, but I suspect I was one of the few who ever had a tract ministry to my elders and pastors. I would chase them down after church and needless to say, I was avoided a lot.
You see, I had been given half of the answer, and it only left me more guilty than ever. Every time I swore that this was the last time I looked and porn and masturbated, I would stand for a while only to eventually fall and the guilt and anger built. In 1987, after going to three church services a week for years, and doing prison ministry and being a home pastor, I did not go to church one Sunday and then the next. And for the next 21 years, I lived the life of isolation from the church. I still loved God, believed that Jesus died for my sins, but being involved in church, no thanks. I was bound and I was bitter, because not only did the church not have an answer, many....multitudes in fact.... did not even seem to care as long as Heaven waited in the end.
During those years, I devoured the Bible for answers. I memorized scripture hoping that would work. I fasted, up to 21 days, water only. Nothing. I was so tired of failing God, so worn out by the guilt and shame and self loathing, that 0one night seven years ago, I was ready to walk away from God. I loved Him. But I also loved porn and I could not take it anymore. I cried out to God, telling Him His way was too high, too hard, impossible. I longs to be Holy, to walk in true obedience but I simply could not. I had run out of things to try. I had no answers... none. . and then it happened.
To be continued....
Thanks for sticking with me here. The good part is coming up.
Blessings,
White Dog
