I feel for you. I am still on a journey myself but I feel less alone after joining this site and knowing people like you. You are one of my gifts that God sent to be in my life on this forum, someone I can relate to.
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I dunno, I certainly feel bad you are struggling.This might be really hard to explain to you these feelings. I'm not sure that I can do it! There is something deeply bothering me. I'm trying to talk to God about it, but it seems like everything is geared to make me feel worse. I was feeling really bad at work today, and when I got home to check my work email, I saw something that made my extremely bad feelings even worse!
I got no idea what God's purpose for creating me and putting me on this earth. We can always say "to praise him/give him glory." But I always heard that God gives us abilities to use.
Before I talk I want to pray.This might be really hard to explain to you these feelings. I'm not sure that I can do it! There is something deeply bothering me. I'm trying to talk to God about it, but it seems like everything is geared to make me feel worse. I was feeling really bad at work today, and when I got home to check my work email, I saw something that made my extremely bad feelings even worse!
I got no idea what God's purpose for creating me and putting me on this earth. We can always say "to praise him/give him glory." But I always heard that God gives us abilities to use. Somehow using them gives him glory. But as I look around at other people's abilities and compare to mine. It feels like my abilities are not good enough for anything or anyone. It seems like my number 1 ability is struggle through life, while I watch others run right past me. I feel like I'm missing out on life, and I spend my day to day just waiting to die, so that I can get out of this world. And then I just hope that God will let me into heaven. Because it's been really hard for me to hold onto faith while my prayers aren't being answered. While I'm stuck right in the spot I am stuck in. I sure hope God isn't trying to teach me anything. Because if He is, then I think I'm too stupid to be able to learn the lesson.
I know that everyday, my Mom prays that God will protect me from discouragement from the Evil one. I think that is really nice of her. But the effect of the prayer seems to be the opposite of she is asking for. It seems like Satan hears the prayer and says, "Since your praying like this, then I'm going to double down on Him, and make extra sure He feels discouraged."
I'm going to say this as an example. Tonight I was listening the "Ten Minute Bible Hour Podcast on the book of Matthew" I have listened to a total of 403 10 minute episodes. I love the deep dive. But I find that my feelings of worthlessness and discouragement are interrupting my thought patterns so bad, that I'm not processing it as good as I could be.
In order to help you to understand my feelings, I think that I would need to tell you my life story. It might take a long time to talk about every detail. But even if I did that, I think it would be impossible to really get it all out of me. Even if I could sit down with a real life consular, I'm not sure that I could sort it all out. Wayyyy back in the day, I had some people I could talk to about this..... But those people are no longer in my life anymore, and these days I'm life is just full of road blocks keeping me from getting healing in that way. I feel angry with God. Angry with Him because I know he's capable of making a way, but is choosing not to give me a way. I don't get it!
Anyways you can pray for me if you want too. There probably isn't any advice that I haven't heard or read before. These issues of mine, have been going on for years and years and years.
Sometimes I wish I learned how to crochet stuff. I am please to see folks making Christmas presents for friends and family, stocking caps, muffs, and baby booties. A very useful way to spend extra time I only wished that I had learned.You belong here! I sent you a PM to converse with you. I struggle with boredom too since I'm waiting to get off my medications.
At first I thought I could give some helpful advice. But you appear to have a lifestyle that should be working for you. But you already said you watch online church. So I don't really know what to say, except pray for you. Cheer up, God is good and loves us.Today is 03/16/23. I finally got a chance to read through your responses. I felt like I needed to take time away from the forums.
Tonight I got upset at my work place again. I feel that I need some people to socialize with. But currently the only people I got to socialize with is at work. The social side of work has been terrible. My social life outside of work doesn't exist at all. For some reason this really bothers me. It bothers me so bad, that I fall into sin because of it. You may wonder why does it cause me to fall into sin? Doesn't God say He won't give us more then we can bare? Look, I don't know the answer to that. All I know is, I get really really really depressed, and what I'm calling "sin" makes me feel better. I don't understand why Bible reading, prayer, or even praise music doesn't make me feel better. But that is the current reality of what I'm living in. I ask for prayer because I can not fix myself. I can't fix my situation, and I can't fix my feelings.
The sin in my life comes and goes with my struggles. Often times with my other struggles. I'm not looking for advice. I'm looking for just prayer. I'm totally aware of the various solutions. Some of those solutions can't even be put into my life because of my social life being in a such a bad state.
I need to log off of here. Give stuff some more thought. Pray some more. In fact just before I got home from work, i prayed about my current social problems, and I told the Lord all about my sin problem and how it relates. I told him about how I've looked for a Church, and tried to find people and stuff just always got shut down. So God knows all about my struggles.
That is exactly how I approached it after I wore myself out trying to be good. And very soon after, He calmed all my passions, put my flesh under my feet.I was released from the trap one day when I finally gave up. I told the Lord "I give up. I honestly can't cope with this problem and would you please have mercy on me and free me from it." From that point forward, I adopted two attitudes at the same time: an attitude of surrender and an attitude of gratitude. I stopped "trying" to stop sinning. I gave up trying. Instead, I decided to lean on him.
Perhaps you can use the little bit of wisdom that someone relayed to me. "If you want a good wife, be a good man."I'm not sure where or how I want to say this. But I have been feeling this really deep inside of myself for many years. I often don't like to just come out and say it because there is push back. The push back is logical, and I think it's even spot on with some people, and not with others. Marriage does not solve everything. In fact it can cause more hardships. I recognize this as a fact, and it's even implied in Paul's writings in scripture. Yet I keep getting the feeling, over and over again, that I need a wife to make my life go to the next level. Not just physically but spiritually as well. When I look at my sin issues, I notice that they occur mostly when I'm alone too much, and maybe even because I'm alone too much. I've been in this state long enough to see the pattern. But the idea of having a wife causes turmoil in my brain too. The reason is, some married men claim that having a wife didn't solve their issues. But I have also heard of some married men who say it has solved their issues. I have no clue why some say one thing and some say another. I guess everyone's journey is different. Everyone's battles are different. I remember in on of my C.S. Lewis books, Lewis talked about how one kind of sin never tempted him, but another kind of sin did. I think that is true of every believer.
I think I've said this before. But if not I'll say it again. I don't care how you want to pray for me. Just be honest with the Lord about what you think. I think He'll just do whatever is best anyways.
Maybe I want to add one more thing. One time I was on a site called Shoutlife. It was a religious social networking site. In my opinion it was junk. (I'm not going to go into all the reasons why here.) Anyways, I was blogging there, minding my own business so to speak. Someone commented and said, "Marriage isn't just about sex". That is a comment that I wish I could unsee. It made me feel so stupid, and I wished that I hadn't written the blog the way I did. But I also felt like the person who made the comment was stupid too. I never said that marriage is just about having sex. I will never say that. But I will say this, anyone that doesn't think that sex is apart of marriage is probably crazy in the head! It's hard to believe but that blog would of been written back in 2010! That was 13 years ago, and yet I still think about it. I still feel the sting. It still bothers me because I can not forget.
I've had the privilege and the blessings of growing up with my Grandparents living next door. I got to see their marriage lived out in front of me until the day they died. My parents are still married, and I'm pretty sure they are going to make it until the day they die too. Believe me, I know that marriage is more then just having sex. It has a lot of ups and downs, and it takes work to stay together.
I appreciate how some people here, are putting some thought into what they are writing me. In my experience online, and even offline, it is when people are NOT putting thought into what they say, is when people get hurt. I guess some people just don't have empathy. It floors me, because I don't want to write anything without asking myself "how would I feel if I had that written to me?" I'm not perfect, and I'm sure I've probably hurt some... If I've hurt anyone. Please forgive me. It's not my intention to hurt people.
We learn by doing.After writing my last comment, I felt bad about it because I thought of something later that I should of added. I guess I'll go ahead and add it now.
The last time I talked about marriage and how it COULD solve my sin. It's a little narrow. Look I don't know exactly what I could offer a mate. I figure whatever it is, it will become apparent when I get to know that person. I think of marriage as a team. You work together to get through life. I've talked about how I've been stuck in life. One of the reasons why I'm stuck is because I'm not married. Sure! Some people can make it in this world as a single. Some people can't. Either way there is more power in two people working together then there is in just one lone wolf.
The Church is supposed to be a family as well. We are supposed to support one another. But the Church has been in a mess. My local Churches are only supported of those that fit in with whatever it takes to fit in with them. Notice I said, "whatever it takes to fit in with them." I say it that way because I've been around to some of them, and It's a mystery to me, on what makes some of these places tick. It feels like there is some kind of group built around certain personalities. You got to somehow fit into the personality collective to be welcomed as a part of the group. Otherwise, all you can do is just attend, and observe what goes on around you.
I have heard many different relationship/marriage advice in forums and youtube, and even in real life. Some of it is really logical and makes sense. But I have gotten to the point to where, if I hear it, I just fall asleep. It's not that I'm against it, it's just that I need someone in my life before any of that advice can be tried. One thing I often have against the relationship advice is that usually they seem to simplistic. Just do this, or don't do that. Just be a good man first. I'm sorry but the Bible tells us, not one person is good. All you can do is try your best to follow Jesus. Your flawed and your partner is flawed. The only way to keep people together is to try and get rid of selfishness, and practice a lot of forgiveness and grace.
I hope that by writing this, I've shown that I'm not being too narrow in my thoughts. Again I'm just trying to do the best I can to articulate what needs to be said.
As you say, you need emotional stability. What you need is an anchor, something in your mind and thinking that remains both constant and true. And, this is important, convince yourself that it's okay to get emotional. Who doesn't?Tonight I suffered another emotional crash. I hate my social status at work. It eats me alive.