The Horror of Divorce - Til Death Do Us Part?

[St. SteVen]

Not to brag, But my wife and I are approaching our 46th anniversary.
We've had so many anniversaries that we jokingly refer to it as our anniversaurus. - LOL

It pains me to see so many marriages falling apart. My wife and I were committed to the long-term
as we heard others vowing "as long as love shall last". Seriously? Ill give you two weeks. - LOL

Such a tragedy, the divorce rate.
I've had opportunity to minister to many men who are victims of divorce.
And obviously, they have contributed to the problem as well.

My wife and I married for the long-term. In wealth and poverty, sickness and health.
Unfortunately we got poverty and sickness. But we stuck it out.

All this to send out a message to young couple to marry for life.

Please share testimonies here of successful marriages and
young married couples committed to the long-term. Thanks.

 

[Wynona]

Married ten years this year. I got married at 20. Hubby was 19. Everyone said we wouldn't last and some family members refused to come.

We were rocky in the first four years. I separated more than once. God finally got me to come to the end of myself and I committed fully to Him and our marriage. We never looked back.

Its been a great privelige to watch my husband go from trailer park long shot to successful man of God. He is the man I respect and admire most in this world. No one sacrifices quite like him that Ive seen. And he loves me so well, its been transformative.

God can take two long shots and make them one flesh and yoked together in Him. He can take a spoiled selfish woman and transform her heart.

 

[Bob]

Thank you, and congratulations.

Generic questions:
* how did you decide this particular person was the right one, and how has that turned out over time?
* do you believe God had a pivotal role in bringing you together?
* what questions would you ask a couple thinking about marriage?

Peace.

 

[quietthinker]

Not to brag, But my wife and I are approaching our 46th anniversary.
We've had so many anniversaries that we jokingly refer to it as our anniversaurus. - LOL

well blow me down....and I thought you weren't a day over 23

 

[Lambano]

The title of this thread is "The horror of divorce". Sometimes divorce is necessary.

My wife could start a thread on "the horror of marriage". Her first husband had a violent temper. It would start with verbal abuse, and the yelling and screaming inevitably escalated into the physical. She put up with being called horrible things and being thrown into walls and kicked with steel-toed boots for ten years, but when he started in on their handicapped son, she knew she had to get herself and her children out of that situation.

So, she had him declared maritally dead. If she had stayed, "to death do us part" might have been her.

 

[Lambano]

I was flabbergasted when my brother called me at work and tearfully announced that he and his wife were getting divorced. The were both devout Christians and had gone on missions together, and I had always thought they had a strong marriage and were a good team. What the hell happened? All he would tell me was that they had had some "long-standing issues", and he confessed he had found somebody else. I'm still shocked. His ex is still considered part of our extended family today.

Now, our other son, he and his first wife were both strong-willed, and every little damn thing became a battle for control. I used to dread visiting them and having to play the moderator for their constant arguments. (And knowing that domestic abuse can be a generational sin, I was always afraid of escalation.) He was military, so the frequent separations while he was deployed overseas probably extended their marriage. But when he was blown up during the war, he was forced to retire and came back with a bad case of PTSD. They soon found they couldn't stand the togetherness. When they finally announced they were getting divorced, my immediate reaction was, "What took you guys so long?"

 

[St. SteVen]

Generic questions:
* how did you decide this particular person was the right one, and how has that turned out over time?
* do you believe God had a pivotal role in bringing you together?
* what questions would you ask a couple thinking about marriage?

Later in life I learned that we have a lot of strange ideas about finding "the right one".
As if there is only one in the whole world and we are tasked with finding that person.

What I know now is that we get to choose, but then we are tasked with making it work.
Some bail out later, believing they did not "find the one". Truth is, they did.

Yes, it seems that God did bring us together. And I required something from God as a sign.
I knew my Mom didn't approve. So I wanted both sets of parents to lay hands on us
and bless our marriage in prayer. That is what happened. I called a meeting and asked
her father for permission to marry her. Then we kneeled before them for their prayer of blessing.
This seemed to me to be proper for us.

I suggest a young couple get counseling from a Pastor before marriage. There is much to
sort out ahead of time. We tend to project the role of our own parents on our partner.

 

[St. SteVen]

The title of this thread is "The horror of divorce". Sometimes divorce is necessary.

My wife could start a thread on "the horror of marriage". Her first husband had a violent temper. It would start with verbal abuse, and the yelling and screaming inevitably escalated into the physical. She put up with being called horrible things and being thrown into walls and kicked with steel-toed boots for ten years, but when he started in on their handicapped son, she knew she had to get herself and her children out of that situation.

So, she had him declared maritally dead. If she had stayed, "to death do us part" might have been her.

I agree. There are victims and a time to get out.
But both parties are "branded" for life after that.
And if they try and fail again, the failures pile up.
Those wounds are carried for years to come.

Sometimes I will introduce my bride as my first wife just to get the strange looks. - LOL

 

[St. SteVen]

I was flabbergasted when my brother called me at work and tearfully announced that he and his wife were getting divorced. The were both devout Christians and had gone on missions together, and I had always thought they had a strong marriage and were a good team. What the hell happened? All he would tell me was that they had had some "long-standing issues", and he confessed he had found somebody else. I'm still shocked. His ex is still considered part of our extended family today.

Now, our other son, he and his first wife were both strong-willed, and every little damn thing became a battle for control. I used to dread visiting them and having to play the moderator for their constant arguments. (And knowing that domestic abuse can be a generational sin, I was always afraid of escalation.) He was military, so the frequent separations while he was deployed overseas probably extended their marriage. But when he was blown up during the war, he was forced to retire and came back with a bad case of PTSD. They soon found they couldn't stand the togetherness. When they finally announced they were getting divorced, my immediate reaction was, "What took you guys so long?"

Yes. This is the horror of both marriage and divorce.
Seems that our parents had a better view on divorce.
"Divorce? Never! Maybe murder, but not divorce." - LOL

 

[Lambano]

"Divorce? Never! Maybe murder, but not divorce." - LOL

I think that's a famous quote from Ruth Graham, Billy Graham's wife.

 

[Lambano]

Yes. This is the horror of both marriage and divorce.
Seems that our parents had a better view on divorce.
"Divorce? Never! Maybe murder, but not divorce." - LOL

Unfortunately, escalation of violence is a real risk. There's a reason cops hate Domestic Disturbance calls.

Abstract
Results revealed that for every 100 men who killed their wives in the United States during 1976-85, about 75 women killed their husbands. Women committed a substantially larger proportion of spousal homicides in the United States than elsewhere. In fact the spousal sex ratio of killing (SROK) is more than twice that in the other Western countries. However, this contrast cannot be attributed to greater gun use in the United States nor to a general behavioral and psychological convergence of males and females in the United States. Instead, significant predictors of the SROK include registered versus de facto marriage, co-residency versus separation, ethnicity, and age disparity. However, the impacts of these variables are not sufficient to explain the difference in the victim sex ratios in the United States and other countries.

(Source: US Department of Justice)

So, US women are catching up with the men on the spousal murder rate. Ain't America grand?

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts. (Matthew 19:8.)

 

[St. SteVen]

well blow me down....and I thought you weren't a day over 23

A former workmate of mine commented that the reason I look young for my age is that I act like a 3 year old. - LOL

 

[Lambano]

Seems that our parents had a better view on divorce.

Better? Nobody talked about domestic violence back then. The woman just put makeup over the bruises and said she ran into a door. (I actually heard story that a couple of times: Once from my friend's mom; another from our 4-foot-something tall lab tech who came to work with a mouse over her right eye. I'm not much into righteous indignation, but that one makes me burn.)

 

[Lambano]

* do you believe God had a pivotal role in bringing you together?

Unquestionably. You'll never convince me otherwise.

I had just started a new job and was on my own for the first time, 2000 miles from home. The holidays were coming, I was lonely, and the thought of spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone was intolerable. I prayed to God to send me someone before Christmas. The next Sunday, daylight savings time had ended and it was too dark to do anything outside, and the football game was lousy. My church had a young singles' group, and since I nothing better to do, I decided to go. I met this sweet lady who was a teacher with a real heart for children. We talked, and I decided to ask her out. When I had prayed for God to send me somebody, I thought I knew what I wanted. What I got instead was an older, divorced woman with two pre-teen boys, scars on her legs from being kicked with steel-toed boots, and scars on her soul. That I would fall in love with her shouldn't have happened, and that's one of the reasons I see God's hand in this.

* how did you decide this particular person was the right one, and how has that turned out over time?

I don't know; it just happened. We were married within a year. Forty-something years later, we're still married, which is another reason why I see God at work here. Going from being immature and single to being the stepfather to what would soon be teenage boys was not easy, and if I knew then what I know now, I would've done some things differently.

* what questions would you ask a couple thinking about marriage?

"Do you know what you're getting into?"

 

[St. SteVen]

My church had a young single's group, and since I nothing better to do, I decided to go. I met this sweet lady who was a teacher with a real heart for children. We talked, and I decided to ask her out. When I had prayed for God to send me somebody, I thought I knew what I wanted. What I got instead was an older, divorced woman with two pre-teen boys, scars on her legs from the steel-toed boots, and scars on her soul. That I would fall in love with her shouldn't have happened, and that's one of the reasons I see God's hand in this.

I didn't find out with any certainty until 15 years in that I had married damaged goods.
My wife had always been very quite and shy around anyone who wasn't family.
She started seeing a therapist and some time later came to me to explain her situation.
My response was probably the best thing I could have done for our marriage.
I told her that I believed her. (perfect) Exactly what she needed to hear from me.
But this launched a very dark period that we had to work our way through.

We ended up in group therapy with the women in one group and the men in another.
They informed me that 90+% of marriages didn't survive this situation.
I was furious, and told them so. There was no way that I would abandon my marriage.

Bob said:
* what questions would you ask a couple thinking about marriage?

"Do you know what you're getting into?"

No truer words... - LOL

Frankly, no one does.
That doesn't mean "Don't do it."
But it does mean to anticipate stormy weather at some point.
And perhaps sooner than later. (or... sooner AND later)

Every chapter presents NEW challenges.

 

[St. SteVen]

Later in life I learned that we have a lot of strange ideas about finding "the right one".
As if there is only one in the whole world and we are tasked with finding that person.

What I know now is that we get to choose, but then we are tasked with making it work.
Some bail out later, believing they did not "find the one". Truth is, they did.

I should add that premarital sex adds danger to the situation.
If a pregnancy occurs, it makes the choice that much harder.
Especially if there is disagreement about whether to keep the child.

And all too often, the woman is left "holding the bag", so to speak.
Which is compounded if abortion is not legal where she lives.

Who will support her if she wants to keep the child?
And what does life look like going forward?

 

[St. SteVen]

Unfortunately, escalation of violence is a real risk. ...

... Ain't America grand?

I remember ten years ago a Canadian friend visited us.
He was so frightened of the crime in America that he kept his laptop computer chained to a table INSIDE the house.
Seemed like overkill to me. - LOL

 

[HealthyShape]

So far, just two successful testimonies. On Christian forums. I think this is quite telling.... it is a rare thing and most people are not certain about it.

 

[St. SteVen]

So far, just two successful testimonies. On Christian forums. I think this is quite telling.... it is a rare thing and most people are not certain about it.

I had heard that the divorce statistics in the church rival or exceed non-Christians. Shameful.

Approximately 25% of Christian marriages end in divorce, which reflects a rising trend in recent years.
Among Protestant Christians, the divorce rate is notably higher, with about 51% experiencing divorce,
while actively practicing Catholics have a lower rate of around 19%.

Sources:
myhoustondivorce.lawyer

ifstudies.org

 

[HealthyShape]

I had heard that the divorce statistics in the church rival or exceed non-Christians. Shameful.

Approximately 25% of Christian marriages end in divorce, which reflects a rising trend in recent years.
Among Protestant Christians, the divorce rate is notably higher, with about 51% experiencing divorce,
while actively practicing Catholics have a lower rate of around 19%.

Sources:
myhoustondivorce.lawyer

ifstudies.org

Yes, the RCC church does not allow divorce. So, logically, the divorce rate will be lower, but happiness in marriage? Who knows.