Understanding MPD/DID & SRA/MK

[TLHKAJ]

starting to feel like i exist a bit more in this past year or so is weird for me cos i feel old and its pointless or silly

Wow, this struggle to feel like you have an existence is something so common in survivors of trauma dealing with dissociation. Your family has worked very hard to keep you from having a way to move toward independence. It doesn't mean you're flawed or incapable. You've just had a lot of opposition and people asserting their control over you for their own selfish reasons.

 

[TLHKAJ]

@truthquest For some reason, I can't quote your text in your last post so I'll copy/paste it here and reply....

"Yes, I know what you're talking about. I know that's the reason why I can't remember many things. But the things I do remember or know about so far, has given me a lot of information about what happened to me, who was involved, what I was used for, what the agenda was or at least was part of it or was connected to it. There are so many things that were connected to it."

This is huge! It's always a relief in a way, to have answers ...it can be unsettling, but it also moves us toward more closure when we gain understanding of what there purpose was in using us. It connects dots and that can be validating and validation opens the way to more healing.

 

[TLHKAJ]

"There are a lot of missing years in my life. I feel like everything was stolen from me. Everything. My family, my childhood, my free will, my choices and my life to be who God intended me to be."

@truthquest You are who God intended you to be....an overcomer!

 

[truthquest]

Yes, my memories were always more along the lines of it being a vacation. But here's the thing ...all the kids in the family (siblings, cousins) would spend a week or so at our uncle/aunt's home in the summers. But in my conscious memory, it was just us at their house, cookouts, spending time at another m*rmon family's home down the lane ...things like that. But if I was to ask my mom if she ever gave permission to take us kids on a vacation outside the United States, she'd probably freak and say absolutely not! Even the "vacation" was to be secret. BUT ....my mom used to have nightmares that me and my sister were being taken away someplace by her relatives. She would wake up crying and my stepdad would have to console her. Her nightmares were triggered after I got married and moved away....suppose the separation was a trigger.

Yes, Turner is also named as a perp by Fiona Barnett. But even before I knew of her testimony, I had connected the dots. He is a huge NWO player, a handler, and proponent of population reduction.

This reminds me of when I was in this particular foster home. The foster mother had two houses. One was near to town. The other one was in the country. Well, supposedly by coincidence, I had relatives who lived very close to the house in the country, easily within walking distance. I didn't know a whole lot about them but I believe that the man was my mother's cousin. My older siblings would know more about them. Their last name was Graham. They had a farm with a barn and horses etc. I remember going to their house a lot. There seemed to be a routine of going there on a certain day and be there that night. I've had flashes of memory of things happening there. More than just a normal visit.

 

[truthquest]

"There are a lot of missing years in my life. I feel like everything was stolen from me. Everything. My family, my childhood, my free will, my choices and my life to be who God intended me to be."

@truthquest You are who God intended you to be....an overcomer!

Yes, I am now.

 

[truthquest]

Yes, Turner is also named as a perp by Fiona Barnett. But even before I knew of her testimony, I had connected the dots. He is a huge NWO player, a handler, and proponent of population reduction.

Yes, population reduction is connected to Satanic cults. That is one of many connections that I became aware of.

 

[lilygrace]

i was thinking of this last night as i felt depressed about my isolation over the years. outsiders just think its the covid thing for me but i feel i have been that way. i had a couple ex boyfriends seem to drive me away. i lost function and left college for years. i can only hold down a part time job. i dont drive. my mother wanted me to share a bank account with her in 2014 but i prevented that. all this to say i feel a lot is stolen from me.
at the same time i question it all since when i was a child my mother paid for piano lessons, i got an education, i was given nice things.....

the ivf comment seemed like it was mocking me...for exactly what ? i dont know. being a childless woman is all the rage these days. something is off so badly.

i met a man i liked in 2005 when i got sick at a christian camp. he was a worker and wanted to take me to the hospital if i couldnt eat or drink. i didnt want to go but i never saw him again. there was a young man i liked before then and his family didnt care for my father for reasons. (i am no hung up on all this, i just feel like there are a lot of people i can bond with but i end up never being able to see them again)

starting to feel like i exist a bit more in this past year or so is weird for me cos i feel old and its pointless or silly

i forgot to say someting. mom would always tell me that if something is meant for me or God's will for me i would have had it or have it. it is confusing for me regarding things. a lot of things i didnt have was cos i wasnt confident or didnt put work into it. there are lots of reasons.

 

[lilygrace]

Yes, population reduction is connected to Satanic cults. That is one of many connections that I became aware of.

another evidence of them wanting to be God.

 

[truthquest]

I'm sure you're doing this already, but maybe ask inside who wanted the necklace and why.

After doing this, what came to mind was that the girl's home was connected with the Episcopal church.

I did some research. The girl's home was actually founded by the Episcopal church in the late 1800's. It's been fifty years since I was in that girl's home. But I do remember that there was a chapel connected to the building. We did go to an Episcopal church sometimes. But we also went to some other churches.

That chapel was creepy. I remember that. It wasn't used for church services.

It seems that the Episcopal church is similar to the Catholic church in some ways. Also, it was interesting that I actually found an Episcopal church called Saint Christopher Episcopal Church.

I think there's more to this that I haven't discovered yet. This is really bothering me.

 

[truthquest]

After doing this, what came to mind was that the girl's home was connected with the Episcopal church.

I did some research. The girl's home was actually founded by the Episcopal church in the late 1800's. It's been fifty years since I was in that girl's home. But I do remember that there was a chapel connected to the building. We did go to an Episcopal church sometimes. But we also went to some other churches.

That chapel was creepy. I remember that. It wasn't used for church services.

It seems that the Episcopal church is similar to the Catholic church in some ways. Also, it was interesting that I actually found an Episcopal church called Saint Christopher Episcopal Church.

I think there's more to this that I haven't discovered yet. This is really bothering me.

I understand now. A memory that started with a necklace and that was like a key that opened up deeper memories. For a place that was supposed to be under the care and protection of a church, it wasn't a safe environment.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I understand now. A memory that started with a necklace and that was like a key that opened up deeper memories. For a place that was supposed to be under the care and protection of a church, it wasn't a safe environment.

Great work! Praying for you as these memories become clear.

It's funny how memories are stored and how things can trigger them to come forward. Most of my life I had an aversion to balloons because of the sound they made when they pop. I always thought it was because my mom told me to be careful around balloons or something. But in 2004, hearing a balloon pop (deliberately behind me by the copastor at the church we used to attend) triggered PTSD and weeks of sleep disturbances and (daytime) auditory memories which I thought were almost like gunshots. After weeks and weeks of that, I finally got my first SRA memory which I had no idea ....the sound of the balloon popping next to my head that day was very much like the sound of the closing of a coffin/box lid that I was placed into at age 5. I got the emotions (PSTD) first, then the auditory part of the memory...then the visual weeks later. After that, the name of the perpetrator cane to me. My mother confirmed that memory. So it wasn't the balloons themselves that was the problem....it was the sound they make when they pop that gave me an aversion to them.

 

[TLHKAJ]

i forgot to say someting. mom would always tell me that if something is meant for me or God's will for me i would have had it or have it. it is confusing for me regarding things. a lot of things i didnt have was cos i wasnt confident or didnt put work into it. there are lots of reasons.

There is a little truth in that, with a good bit of twisting (by your mom). Saying that is like saying it's God's will for us to have been abused. Or justifying her and your father's actions of withholding things and opportunities from you that they should have provided because somehow it wasn't God's will.

 

[lilygrace]

There is a little truth in that, with a good bit of twisting (by your mom). Saying that is like saying it's God's will for us to have been abused. Or justifying her and your father's actions of withholding things and opportunities from you that they should have provided because somehow it wasn't God's will.

anything that helps me get through dealing with her is seeing her as a victim and gaslit to...and i might have said that i probably noticed dissociation in her...
do people who want to heal dissociate rapidly compared to those who do not?

 

[TLHKAJ]

anything that helps me get through dealing with her is seeing her as a victim and gaslit to...and i might have said that i probably noticed dissociation in her...
do people who want to heal dissociate rapidly compared to those who do not?

I think that seeing our abuser parents as having also been victimized helps us show forgiveness. That was something that melted my anger toward my dad away after I came to Christ. But I still knew I couldn't trust my abusers.

Sis, could you clarify the question you wrote at the end of your post?

 

[lilygrace]

I think that seeing our abuser parents as having also been victimized helps us show forgiveness. That was something that melted my anger toward my dad away after I came to Christ. But I still knew I couldn't trust my abusers.

Sis, could you clarify the question you wrote at the end of your post?

i dont remember.... maybe i can remind myself later.. im sorry

 

[Jostler]

I understand now. A memory that started with a necklace and that was like a key that opened up deeper memories. For a place that was supposed to be under the care and protection of a church, it wasn't a safe environment.

Truthquest, some time ago I posted several interviews with two male survivors, "Josh" and "Joe". He did not say so in the interviews I posted, but Josh was traumatized, ritually abused and programmed in Episcopalian churches. And he is not the only one. It is clear that the Episcopalian hierarchy has abuse systems infiltrated into it very much like the Catholic hierarchy does. We haven't heard quite as much exposure of Episcopalian or Lutheran child abusers and trafficking, but they are there.

 

[Jostler]

I'm still trying to figure out just exactly what happened a couple days ago. I have not forgotten my intention to finish what got interrupted then. I think the whole situation kinda knocked us all for a loop. Chaos like that doesn't proceed from the Spirit.

 

[Addy]

I'm still trying to figure out just exactly what happened a couple days ago. I have not forgotten my intention to finish what got interrupted then. I think the whole situation kinda knocked us all for a loop. Chaos like that doesn't proceed from the Spirit.

I think people have been waiting for the ball to drop.... and I agree.

 

[Shattered]

Silence is the only answer to such things.

 

[Jostler]

Thankfully, Walter assured me in private message, that he is satisfied with the outcome, so my concerns about fearing more to come are not a concern any more. I guess we can continue without fearing more trouble.