Understanding MPD/DID & SRA/MK

[lilygrace]

Very wise decision! If she has listened to you share what you've experienced and then disregards it, something is very fishy!

it was basically in our first week. i opened up because i had just looked into the housing thing. and filled in in a nutshell. then she suggested about repairing instead of asking if im safe , etc like most people would
so yeah. not a safe person or she was maybe confused about what i said? i dont know.

 

[marksman]

Dissociative Identity Disorder
Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D) (formally known as multiple personality disorder – MPD) is a condition associated with severe trauma suffered in early childhood – generally extreme physical, sexual, and / or emotional abuse, usually over a period of years. This article is intended to give a basic working knowledge of D.I.D, and it’s impact upon the life of those living with it.

Dissociation – What is it?
Dissociation is an ability to escape ‘within oneself’ during a traumatic event – saving the memories and emotions associated with those events as if it had never occurred. It is similar to the minds ability to simply ‘forget’; and to the ‘repression’ of memories – but is a much more advanced form of this: “The memories are actively pushed out of the Childs mind into a separate, hidden, split off unconscious mental space.”


© Susannah Grace, CS Ministries 2002

Thankyou for all that information. I have been helping people overcome their homosexuality and in my studies I felt at one stage that tied up with this is DID, as they usually have experienced childhood trauma of some kind which they wish to disassociate from. Homosexuality is a way out for them and a way of escaping the trauma. Problem is they usually jump out of one trauma into another so things usually get worse not better, but in their attempts to convince themselves they have found an answer in homosexuality they will believe any lie that confirms their pseudo freedom.

 

[truthquest]

Wow, you know .... this is so similar to my story. I experienced rituals that took place inside churches. The pastor my husband and I had for 13 years, and I thought I had met him when I was 21 yrs old ...turns out, he was one of my main handlers from childhood.

I remember one particular ritual that happened in a church when I was 14 years old. I remember the details clearly. Perhaps I shouldn't say too much about what happened at that ritual. I'm trying not to give too much details about what happened. That one stands out for me. It involved a little girl who was being initiated. She was only four or five years old. It also involved...something else to horrific to mention. Anyway, I fought against a group of people when they took the little girl up to the preacher as he was....doing what he does. She was screaming and crying and I couldn't stand it and tried to help her and tried to stop them from hurting her. I was overpowered and outnumbered. They attacked me and twisted my arm out of joint. It was very painful and later it was swollen several times its size. I didn't receive medical treatment because my foster mother wouldn't allow it. I guess she was worried about having to explain how it happened and she knew exactly how it happened. ...They took me by that arm and forced me to sit down as they said till I was called and to stay put and not interfere. After I was told to get up and I was taken up to the front of the church where the pulpit was and that evil demon preacher was involved in unspeakable evil. He turned to me and said, are you going to try to stop me? You better do it now but you won't make it out of here alive. As he said that, a group of people lined up behind me in a threatening manner. I couldn't stop him and I carry that guilt as I watched what he did to a little innocent baby and the little girl. This is what I have nightmares about and flashbacks. Vivid images. Horrible images.

If I triggered anyone, I'm sorry.

 

[Jostler]

Truthquest, I know we strive to avoid consciously triggering anyone...but sometimes it's almost inevitable. I think all we can do is simply go as we best understand the Lord's leading, and trust Him to handle any triggers that pop up.

 

[Jostler]

it can all seem abit messy from our perspective, but it's not a mess to the Lord.

 

[Shattered]

I was blessed with plenty of rest so I'm refreshed. I'll write this so the air will be clear.

You didn't trigger my alters so be at ease, @lilygrace . Just as there are many mansions in our Father's house there's a place in my heart for the precious ones of the Lord, the One who called me out of this world a long time ago. @Jostler and @TLHKAJ know the truth for themselves, how God brought me to a female survivor alone in the wilderness. She was rejected by everyone she knew... even her own children... so this is the one of whom the Lord said, I love her like no other. Behold, your mother.

She was the mother whom God gave to me. I became the son who was taken away from her minutes after he was born. The Lord's mercy and kindness is too great for my words.

I didn't know that she suffered from DID and I didn't know about the horrors this precious soul endured over the long years of her life. This was therefore my introduction to DID in a way only the Lord Himself could provide: when she learned that I love and serve Jesus Christ, her alters started coming forward and so that was my introduction to DID. But the Lord loves her like no other and so His Spirit encouraged me, saying He would tell me what I needed to do and give me words when I needed to speak them.

I know you're not into long posts so you can stop reading here if you'd like. I just want to reassure you that Jostler and TLHKAJ more than understand what we survivors go through and what dealing with alternate personalities is like. You don't owe anyone an apology.

The Lord prepared me to confront DID in myself through my experience with my adopted mother. Therefore I was already armed and armored to face this battle... when it began Jostler and TLHKAJ were already in my life, still more provision from the Lord. He prepared for me this, but at no time did His Spirit say this battle would be a simple one. No... it's the greatest challenge I've yet to face in this life.

Like I wrote, I'm a skilled spotter of snakes. I can see them slithering in the grass so their camouflage doesn't fool me. God has given me a heart for His precious ones, the survivors among whom I'm numbered, and so I'm very protective of His precious ones when I spot a snake in the grass. The snake makes my blood boil and triggers protector alters. With the breaking of my programming, the assassins in their brokenness swore an oath to become protectors and so my systems are filled with protectors.

They hate the snake in the grass.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I was blessed with plenty of rest so I'm refreshed.

Very glad to hear this, Shattered. I was praying for you last night.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Truthquest, I know we strive to avoid consciously triggering anyone...but sometimes it's almost inevitable. I think all we can do is simply go as we best understand the Lord's leading, and trust Him to handle any triggers that pop up.

Agreed, Jostler. The enemy above all wants to keep this business secret, so the triggers are put in place to keep things silent. The answer (though it is assuredly easier to say than do) is to fight through the triggers and speak out anyway, thereby exposing what the enemy is and has been doing, and then pray for each other to be healed from the memories of the past.

As I shared in this thread, in Christ the healing comes from opening up to one another and sharing our souls with each other, not in keeping things forever secret and remaining apart (Posts #18 and #19):
Rewire Your Heart youversion study

 

[TLHKAJ]

The answer (though it is assuredly easier to say than do) is to fight through the triggers and speak out anyway, thereby exposing what the enemy is and has been doing, and then pray for each other to be healed from the memories of the past.

That's is only part of the solution. Every survivor faces extreme danger (threats, punishments) when breaking free. It isn't just about healing trauma memories, but safety while doing so. Survivors are in danger of revictimization 24/7. And oftentimes, there is a real danger of abduction/kidnapping and being subjected to reprogramming, reshattering, etc.

 

[Shattered]

I remember one particular ritual that happened in a church when I was 14 years old. I remember the details clearly. Perhaps I shouldn't say too much about what happened at that ritual. I'm trying not to give too much details about what happened. That one stands out for me. It involved a little girl who was being initiated. She was only four or five years old. It also involved...something else to horrific to mention. Anyway, I fought against a group of people when they took the little girl up to the preacher as he was....doing what he does. She was screaming and crying and I couldn't stand it and tried to help her and tried to stop them from hurting her. I was overpowered and outnumbered. They attacked me and twisted my arm out of joint. It was very painful and later it was swollen several times its size. I didn't receive medical treatment because my foster mother wouldn't allow it. I guess she was worried about having to explain how it happened and she knew exactly how it happened. ...They took me by that arm and forced me to sit down as they said till I was called and to stay put and not interfere. After I was told to get up and I was taken up to the front of the church where the pulpit was and that evil demon preacher was involved in unspeakable evil. He turned to me and said, are you going to try to stop me? You better do it now but you won't make it out of here alive. As he said that, a group of people lined up behind me in a threatening manner. I couldn't stop him and I carry that guilt as I watched what he did to a little innocent baby and the little girl. This is what I have nightmares about and flashbacks. Vivid images. Horrible images.

If I triggered anyone, I'm sorry.

I'll tell you this, my friend. My fellow survivor is worth everything so if triggering is going to happen, then it will. The alters who are vigilant --- they're always watching and waiting even while I'm present --- weep when they learn of the horrendous evil inflicted upon others. My awareness of several of these protectors has been increasing the past few months to the point where I'm experiencing co-presence with some. Based on my experience so far, this means we're moving closer to merging.

Their memories keep coming. Something happened to all of us when the Lord brought us to my adopted mother. Something broke, because the unspeakable things (I know what you're referring to) that were done to her until the day I arrived at her side made the assassin alters howl with rage and weep for her.

I was forced to watch such things many years ago, truthquest. They made me watch that as well as other things which are too graphic and brutal to share here. I don't want to trigger others either.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I remember one particular ritual that happened in a church when I was 14 years old. I remember the details clearly. Perhaps I shouldn't say too much about what happened at that ritual. I'm trying not to give too much details about what happened. That one stands out for me. It involved a little girl who was being initiated. She was only four or five years old. It also involved...something else to horrific to mention. Anyway, I fought against a group of people when they took the little girl up to the preacher as he was....doing what he does. She was screaming and crying and I couldn't stand it and tried to help her and tried to stop them from hurting her. I was overpowered and outnumbered. They attacked me and twisted my arm out of joint. It was very painful and later it was swollen several times its size. I didn't receive medical treatment because my foster mother wouldn't allow it. I guess she was worried about having to explain how it happened and she knew exactly how it happened. ...They took me by that arm and forced me to sit down as they said till I was called and to stay put and not interfere. After I was told to get up and I was taken up to the front of the church where the pulpit was and that evil demon preacher was involved in unspeakable evil. He turned to me and said, are you going to try to stop me? You better do it now but you won't make it out of here alive. As he said that, a group of people lined up behind me in a threatening manner. I couldn't stop him and I carry that guilt as I watched what he did to a little innocent baby and the little girl. This is what I have nightmares about and flashbacks. Vivid images. Horrible images.

If I triggered anyone, I'm sorry.

You haven't triggered me. But amazingly, I have a very similar memory/experience... from the perspective of the little girl...

 

[Shattered]

The presenter has agreed to let me write. I'm the analytical one, the one who was created to excel at gathering, processing, and analyzing data in all of its forms. Adapt and improvise so the more confusing and chaotic the situation, the better. Send me and I'm the one who figures it out, even the programming methodology they inflicted upon us. I knew what they were doing and this was satisfactory to my superiors. I once referred to them as "end users."

That's precisely what the program cultivated in me. They desired an organic computer without the fetters of human frailty, a biological unit who could swiftly and reliably predict an array of possible outcomes in any given scenario ranked according to the dictates of probability. Quantum entanglement and game theory were what I breathed and consumed. I wasn't authorized to be human so the program purged me of emotional attachment and burdensome sentimentality. It wouldn't serve the mission outcome if what I gathered, processed, and analyzed engaged nor engendered an emotional response on my part.

I'm very close to the presenter and so I've been informing him with regard to the program regime we were subjected to. My request to operate was granted, and so I'm here to offer appropriate insight into the genesis of what led to my acquisition of humanity: Almighty God. I was created to be empirical and thus atheism was an important parameter inculcated into my conditioning regime; I did not at any time factor the Lord into my work. It wasn't authorized.

I was present and aware when the Lord came to us all. Indeed, all us of were present and aware of His coming which was according to the will and purpose of Jesus Christ. He gave the humanity which was denied to me from my birth, and there are times when I struggle mightily to master phenomena like emotions, stress, as well as sensations of hunger and thirst. It's new and strange to me; I imagined myself as a preadolescent until the Lord changed everything.

When I was activated by an end user I never ate, drank, slept, or otherwise tolerated distractions nor interruptions of any kind. I was sequestered until the mission was complete but with the loss of our handlers (end users) and the program in our lives, I had nothing to do except assist the presenter cope with technical aspects of whatever situation he managed to get himself into. I'm the reason he's technically astute and so this is a mystery to him no longer. He knows why because the Lord has been steadily increasing the bond between us.

This bond behaves in a manner similar to magnetism to simplify the process for those who are unacquainted with psychomechanics. It begins with the simple awareness of mutual existence; this initiates the bonding process and so it begins to unfold. My memories aren't traumatic to the presenter and so we're close to consummating the bond which results in merging. The presenter is upset with the length and detail of this commentary and my inclination is to comply and edit it accordingly, but he did agree to permit me space so he's just going to have to live with it. He can learn how to do that.

 

[Jostler]

Thank-you for the introduction, and welcome.

 

[TLHKAJ]

The presenter has agreed to let me write. I'm the analytical one, the one who was created to excel at gathering, processing, and analyzing data in all of its forms. Adapt and improvise so the more confusing and chaotic the situation, the better. Send me and I'm the one who figures it out, even the programming methodology they inflicted upon us. I knew what they were doing and this was satisfactory to my superiors. I once referred to them as "end users."

That's precisely what the program cultivated in me. They desired an organic computer without the fetters of human frailty, a biological unit who could swiftly and reliably predict an array of possible outcomes in any given scenario ranked according to the dictates of probability. Quantum entanglement and game theory were what I breathed and consumed. I wasn't authorized to be human so the program purged me of emotional attachment and burdensome sentimentality. It wouldn't serve the mission outcome if what I gathered, processed, and analyzed engaged nor engendered an emotional response on my part.

I'm very close to the presenter and so I've been informing him with regard to the program regime we were subjected to. My request to operate was granted, and so I'm here to offer appropriate insight into the genesis of what led to my acquisition of humanity: Almighty God. I was created to be empirical and thus atheism was an important parameter inculcated into my conditioning regime; I did not at any time factor the Lord into my work. It wasn't authorized.

I was present and aware when the Lord came to us all. Indeed, all us of were present and aware of His coming which was according to the will and purpose of Jesus Christ. He gave the humanity which was denied to me from my birth, and there are times when I struggle mightily to master phenomena like emotions, stress, as well as sensations of hunger and thirst. It's new and strange to me; I imagined myself as a preadolescent until the Lord changed everything.

When I was activated by an end user I never ate, drank, slept, or otherwise tolerated distractions nor interruptions of any kind. I was sequestered until the mission was complete but with the loss of our handlers (end users) and the program in our lives, I had nothing to do except assist the presenter cope with technical aspects of whatever situation he managed to get himself into. I'm the reason he's technically astute and so this is a mystery to him no longer. He knows why because the Lord has been steadily increasing the bond between us.

This bond behaves in a manner similar to magnetism to simplify the process for those who are unacquainted with psychomechanics. It begins with the simple awareness of mutual existence; this initiates the bonding process and so it begins to unfold. My memories aren't traumatic to the presenter and so we're close to consummating the bond which results in merging. The presenter is upset with the length and detail of this commentary and my inclination is to comply and edit it accordingly, but he did agree to permit me space so he's just going to have to live with it. He can learn how to do that.

Hello and welcome. It was very interesting to read your intro here.

There is a lot here that I can relate to.
A lot of what you have shared reminds me of my internal computer systems who did not see themselves as human. I was made aware of the traumas that brought them about. They shared with me how they operated, their codes, passwords, etc... and what sort of information (files) were stored within those systems. When they met the Lord and became aware they were human with a body, the senses were very overwhelmed. Even the sounds of birds singing were a wonder, walking and looking around at the beauties of nature ...so many new amazing new experiences, but very overwhelming. But living in the body and experiencing regular daily life is part of the process of becoming one.

 

[Shattered]

Thank-you for the introduction, and welcome.

You've encountered me before. I've written in this topic a number of times, but thank you for the welcome regardless. Shared awareness is the most unusual of experiences but I'm more adept at navigating it than the presenter is himself. This is new to him but not to me.

The presenter is insulated so homeostasis --- equilibrium, if you will --- is achieved and maintained. There are 27 distinct fragments (whom you all refer to as "alters") in the system he's gradually becoming aware of; I'm superficially part of this system albeit my position is unique compared to fragments in this system as well as those native to other systems. I was designation meta which means I was intended to subliminally interface with other fragments as needed. I was directly activated when my services were required by the end user.

I don't express emotion openly nor in public, so you'll forgive me if I recede. My time at the forefront is at an end.

 

[truthquest]

Truthquest, I know we strive to avoid consciously triggering anyone...but sometimes it's almost inevitable. I think all we can do is simply go as we best understand the Lord's leading, and trust Him to handle any triggers that pop up.

The thing is that had I not been triggered by someone years ago, this memory of what happened in that church at that time might still be buried in my subconscious. So in that way it was helpful to be triggered because so much pain was finally released. I cried and cried till I couldn't cry anymore. But as I'm typing this right now, I'm still crying. I've cried over this so many times. It's good to get the hurt and pain out no matter how long it takes. It's part of healing.

 

[Shattered]

Well, I have no idea what to write after all of that. I'm suffering from a loss of words but I feel like I have to hammer out something so you'll know it's me and not him. That alter is a strange one. He's a person who doesn't view himself as a distinct personality. I pressed him for a name and all he offered was his "designation:" KZ54. That will have to do.

I'm fighting the urge to zap every word I observed him type, but I won't do that. I promised so I'll hold to that promise.

 

[truthquest]

You haven't triggered me. But amazingly, I have a very similar memory/experience... from the perspective of the little girl...

I don't know how I was able to even try to fight because I had been drugged. But when I saw the little girl being dragged away that way and hearing her scream and cry for help and looking back at me, I was suddenly in fighting mode. I tried so hard to get to her. But I couldn't.

 

[Shattered]

Hello and welcome. It was very interesting to read your intro here.

There is a lot here that I can relate to.
A lot of what you have shared reminds me of my internal computer systems who did not see themselves as human. I was made aware of the traumas that brought them about. They shared with me how they operated, their codes, passwords, etc... and what sort of information (files) were stored within those systems. When they met the Lord and became aware they were human with a body, the senses were very overwhelmed. Even the sounds of birds singing were a wonder, walking and looking around at the beauties of nature ...so many new amazing new experiences, but very overwhelming. But living in the body and experiencing regular daily life is part of the process of becoming one.

Thank you, sister. I'm still reeling from permitting KZ54 to come forward and use this keyboard. That was an altogether weird experience. Weird but so terribly familiar.

There's more to it so I'll touch upon that briefly... the implications are shaking me terribly because there was something he wrote which started resonating the moment I read it: he subliminally interfaces with alters. When he reluctantly surrendered his name, which he insisted was a "designation," the pieces started falling together in way which started that shaking in earnest. KZ54?

That's the title of a short story I wrote 20 years ago... I never tried to publish it because it wasn't in a finished state. Yeah, I'm shaking alright.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I don't know how I was able to even try to fight because I had been drugged. But when I saw the little girl being dragged away that way and hearing her scream and cry for help and looking back at me, I was suddenly in fighting mode. I tried so hard to get to her. But I couldn't.

I am so sorry, sister. I know this is a terribly heavy burden to carry.