Sooooo been a while since i updated this. So where am i now? Im still at the same spot i was, but i do think progress has been made. I have realized though with help from my pastor, where the source of my problem is. I said i made progress, i didnt say it would be positive. I’ll be as honest as i can about this, while i admit i have an addiction, i dont see it as sinful, but i do think its destructive. I also see God so differently than most. When i do it, the only reason i tell myself its wrong is not because of conviction, i feel none of that. But because other preachers have said its wrong. If i lie, i do feel bad. But my addiction doesnt phase me, at least till i try to goto sleep.
On one hand, i see God as terrifying. On the other, i see hell as terrifying. I dont wanna goto hell, but i also dont wanna face God.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this, LS. Please know that when you put your trust in Jesus that he has covered all your sins even the habitual ones you are struggling with. I don't know of course that it is sinful; your pastor should be able to help you identify that using God's word so you can see more clearly.
Personally I struggle with anger and depression. One is quite sinful (usually, though there is the verse, "Be angry but do not sin"; I'm quite sure though that the vast majority of my anger is sinful). The other is not quite clearly transgressing God's commandment but we are to be joyful in the Lord for the abundance of life he has given us in our Savior. Yet the sinfulness of the world and the remaining sin in us can lead us to become weary of this world and make our hearts heavy with longing to be free from the corruption all around us; I do not find sorrow in this way to be sinful (I see it to be the "godly sorrow" that is spoken of, I think somewhere in the Bible but not sure where). Yet, again, my sorrow is not limited to just this.
I would just encourage you to look to Jesus, to abide in him by prayer, the word and worship in the presence of the Lord and all his saints.
There was a book I read a while ago "A Layman Looks at the Lord's Prayer" and it helped me to see the character of our Heavenly Father in a way I never realized before. Another book by the same author, "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23" helped me to see sin as a disease and our Heavenly Father's overwhelming mercy for his children whom are afflicted by this scourge. Jesus went to the cross for the "joy that was set before him"--not the joy of suffering and enduring God's wrath but the joy of conquering sin and the last enemy death so that he can save us from the ravages of sin and bring us into a closer walk with him.
There is so much joy in heaven when a sinner repents from his ways and turns to the Lord. Some posts I was reading on here confirm to me how it's not understood by many believers the war that rages within the believer due to the remaining sin in us. I was listening to a series on Roman 7 and these verses: "So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.
22For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being,
23but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.
24Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
25Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." The pastor was saying that in a commentary he read the author described this as an "immature Christian". He then articulated his own opinion that whenever we do act this way, we are acting as an "immature Christian"; however, he thinks this is something all of God's children struggle with all their lives. Just some, as they mature in the Spirit, less than others.
Well I must get ready for work soon. I pray that the Lord will heal you from your struggle and that you will delight to walk closely with him.
