Clean Jokes Thread

[Mancunian]

Guess who I bumped into in the opticians?

Everyone.

 

[Mancunian]

I know that if I ever go to Afghanistan and insult the name of Muhammad, I'll leave with my head held high.

 

[Mancunian]

One more.

 

[Mancunian]

God exists because mathematics is consistent, and the devil exists because we can't prove it.

 

[Debp]

Found this on another forum and it made me LOL.

 

[Matthias]

I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe and I said to the assistant: “It's too tight."
She said: “Try it with the tongue out."
I said: “It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight."

 

[rebuilder 454]

How did the early church all fit into a Honda???

It says "they were all in one accord"

 

[rebuilder 454]

King David rode a motorcycle.

It says "his triumph was heard throughout the land"

 

[Stumpmaster]

​

 

[Matthias]

 

[Mancunian]

I've just finished a book on anti-gravity. I couldn't put it down.

 

[Mancunian]

I was at the petrol station yesterday and I overfilled my tank, this resulted in my shirt sleeve being doused in petrol.
As I drove away I absentmindedly lit a cigarette and my sleeve caught on fire... It got worse, the police pulled me over and charged me with possession of a firearm.

 

[Mancunian]

Quasimodo walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey.
The barman says "Bells alright"?

 

[Matthias]

 

[Matthias]

 

[Matthias]

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep last night.

I got to 500 then lost interest so went back home and got into bed.

 

[Matthias]

 

[Mancunian]

Having pigs in blankets is a Christmas tradition in my house...
You might know it as having the in-laws staying over.

 

[Mancunian]

I knew that Oscar Pistorias would be found guilty.
He didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

[RLT63]

I knew that Oscar Pistorias would be found guilty.
He didn't have a leg to stand on.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs-
On a porch? Matt
In the water? Bob
Behind a boat? Skip
In a pile of leaves? Russell
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter he won't come anyway