Blame, judgment or domination is learned from the world.
My son was attending first day of pubic school and I was delighted to find out how it was. I asked him, “Rick, how was the new school?” And he said: “Oh, it’s OK, Dad. But boy, some of those teachers.” I could see that he was distressed, and I said, “What happened?”
He said: “Dad, I wasn’t even halfway in the door, really I was just walking in, when this man teacher saw me and came running over and screamed at me, ‘My, my, look at the little girl.’” Now, what that teacher was reacting to was, my son had long hair at the time, down to his shoulders. And this teacher had a way of thinking, apparently, where he thought he as the authority knew what was right, that there was a right way to wear hair, and that if somebody doesn’t do things the right way, then you have to shame them or guilt them or punish them into doing it. I felt sad to hear that my child would be greeted that way his first moment in the new school. And I said, “How did you handle it?”
And he said, “Dad, I remembered what you said, that when you’re in a place like that, never to give them the power to make you submit or rebel.” Well, I was delighted that he would remember that abstract principle at such a time. And I told him I was glad that he remembered it, and I said, “How did you handle the situation?”
He said: “Dad, I also did what you suggested, that when people are talking to me that way, to try to hear what they’re feeling and needing and not take it personally. Just to try to hear their feelings and needs.” I said, “Wow, am I glad that you thought to do that. What did you hear?”
He said, “Dad, it was pretty obvious. I heard that he was irritated and wanted me to cut my hair.” “Oh,” I said, “how did that leave you feeling, to receive his message in that way?” And he said: “Dad, I felt really sad for the man. He was bald, and seemed to have a problem about hair.”
