Hi
@Funny bird
Please also take what I'm saying with the gentle and kind, with love - but likewise the firm conviction that I have. As per this thread - I do not believe that love is saying kind things and being non-confrontational. Rather I believe true love is stepping in, and confronting when required. So with that spirit and intention I write this post. What I write may be hard to read, and even a bitter pill - but please read it with the love and compassion that I write it in.
However also - I am a fallible man - so please take what I say with caution, and seek scripture to see if what I am saying is true. I pray that God would give you discernment to see truth and to act on truth, and discard the rest...
I have a very strong conviction that depression is very often spiritual. I also believe this is relevant in your case for reasons I'll go into below. Some may disagree with me and that's OK. I've had my personal walk and know what I've experienced - but I'm aware that what I go through doesn't mean someone else's journey will be the same. We all see but dimly, and as different members of one body - we have different senses.
However in saying this - and looking at it from the perspective of a spiritual battle - I believe the enemy has limited access to us - and rather tries to deceive us into doing our own damage. Satan couldn't kill Job - but I'd bet that his desire was for Job to curse God, and then die by having Job killing himself. Satan wants us to do the harm to ourselves that he is unable to do, and is very skilled at deceiving us into doing this. (Yes - even Christians!)
I recall part of the story of the pilgrims progress (brilliant book by John Bunyon - if you haven't read it - it may be of great encouragement) where Christian made a mistake and allowed himself to be captured by the giant in the castle of despair.
The giant was unable to kill him. Power had only been given to the giant to torment and encourage Christian to kill himself.
Likewise - one of Satan's larger weapon against us is lies and deceit. If he can get us believing his lies instead of God's word and then confessing them (which basically is us claiming that what Satan say is true and that God is a liar) - he can start having us go down a track where we are hurting ourselves (and even others too). 1 Peter 5 tells us that Satan is a roaring lion looking for who he can devour. First believing, and then second confessing those lies is a huge tactic of his that many fall into.
With that in mind - my encouragement to you is to first stop believing those lies, and stop repeating and confessing lies, and renounce the lies you have said, and turn to God and ask Him for His forgiveness for believing and confessing Satan's words over Him. You are not a child of Satan. Anyone who is in Christ Jesus is now a Child of God, and your confession needs to be renounced, and you need to start confessing truth (scripture) as opposed to the lies of the enemy.
If you take nothing else away from that - take this.
(But please hear what I say - even though it's confrontational, with the yearning love and compassion I have for what you are going through).
Do you believe that Jesus died on the cross for your Sins?
Do you believe that He rose again on the 3rd day?
Have you confessed of your sins and repented and turned to Him, and put your trust in Him, believing in Him?
If so - what you have confessed in your previous post is a lie and you need to repent. If you haven't put your faith in Christ - then the first step is to become a Child of God through the wonderful Gospel of Jesus Christ, (but given your Christian faith under your avatar - I suspect you already know this).
The word / scripture is our sword to attack and cut down the lies that the enemy will spread if used correctly. Satan deceives many into not even picking up that sword by not confessing what is in the bible, and even worse, taking up his own filthy weapons of warefare by first believing, and then confessing his lies.
everything i do that makes me happy eventually makes me even more depressed it was temporary and pointless
Everything in the world will do that. I have been through a time where I was looking to worldly things to make me happy, or give me relief - and I found exactly the same. True peace only comes through Christ Jesus.
I understand you are lonely. It is a horrible time that many are going through at the moment. The fear you have of being alone, or of COVID, of even of death is not of God, but of the enemy! 2 Tim 1:7 tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of Power, of Love and a sound mind. Paul was convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom 8:38). Oh how I pray that you would have a revelation of how that applies to you, and take that - and realise who you are in Christ Jesus, and take the attack to the enemy head on!
I believe Satan is throwing everything he has at us at the moment in a last desperate attempt because his time is shorter than any of us realise.
I believe your fear needs to be redirected - and have a reverent Holy fear of God - not of anything else. A fear that would have you so convicted that you wouldn't dare say or confess something that disagrees with God's word. That you place what God says above anyone, anything, or any feelings you may be going through. That you would face COVID or death head on before contemplating speaking against God or His word.
In saying this I am not discounting your feelings. What you are feeling is real - and horrible. But please be aware that you do not need to remain there. Pick up the sword - trust what God says about you, not the lies of the devil.
Fight!
You may not feel like it. You may feel weak - but who's report are you going to believe? Let God be true and every man a liar. (Rom 3:4) I shall believe the report of the Lord.
Courage isn't going into battle when you're brave and feeling up to it. Courage is going against your feelings and fighting anyway.
Pray, quote scripture and even consider serious fasting. (I needed to fast in my case to break free). Oppression's are heavy - real heavy but Christ came to set us free from them.
I don't believe God wants to remove us and rescue us out of these trials. I believe that God wants to take us through them - that we grow and learn how to use the weapons of warfare ourselves and become bold and mighty in Him. Many sit there asking for God to help when He already has given us what we need. As God said to Moses "What is in your hand?". I ask you the same thing? Do you have the word of God? Pick it up - and use it.
The kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force. (Matt 11:12). As Christians we may be meek and gentle face to face on this earth - but in the spirit we are destined and should be be mighty warriors, pulling down strongholds,
casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God (including what you have been falsely confessing), bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ as per 2 Cor 10.
Not I, or anyone else can take you out of where you are. Anything we could do will be temporary (as you have experienced) -
except the truth of God's word and the power of God working in you.
I hope you have read this with the love and compassion I have for what you are going through - and not as a hard cold post which can be sometimes seen when we're seeing only letters on a page. If only I could see you face to face so you could see the countenance of which I bring this, but likewise the urgency too. But you don't need me. You have someone far greater. The Holy Spirit is right there - whether you 'feel' Him or not. See through faith, not by sight (or feelings).
May the God of peace give you discernment to hear His voice through what I have written, discard the things that are not from Him or are not applicable, and give you the strength to take the first step forward in taking the battle to the enemy instead of been beaten by them.