Bible jokes

[mailmandan]

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson. He brought the house down.

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

 

[mailmandan]

What is the difference between Catholics and Baptists? Catholics will actually acknowledge each other at the liquor store.

 

[Nancy]

What is the difference between Catholics and Baptists? Catholics will actually acknowledge each other at the liquor store.

Ahahaha! Good one!

 

[Prayer Warrior]

I copied these from Clean Funny Christian Jokes and Religious Humor (with a few modifications).

***An atheist scientist came to God and said, "We've figured out how to make a man without you."

God said, "OK, let me see you do it."

So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, "Oh, no you don't. Get your own dirt!"


***A little girl, dressed in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.

She got up, dusted herself off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"


***At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, St Peter said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives.

The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

St Peter said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. You were appointed to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed. Learn from him."

Then St Peter turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


***One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.

Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."

Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."


Hymns for People Over 50

• Give Me the Old Timers Religion
• Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
• Just a Slower Walk with Thee
• Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
• Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
• Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car
• Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
• Blessed Insurance
• It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

 

[Nancy]

I copied these from Clean Funny Christian Jokes and Religious Humor

***An atheist scientist came to God and said, "We've figured out how to make a man without you."

God said, "OK, let me see you do it."

So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, "Oh, no you don't. Get your own dirt!"


***A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.

She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"


***At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."

God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."

Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


***One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.

Little Girl: "Do whales swallow people?"

Teacher: "No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.

Little Girl: "But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

Teacher getting angry: "Blue whales cannot swallow people."

Little Girl: "Well, when I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale."

Teacher, still red with anger: "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Girl: "Well, then you can ask him."


Hymns for People Over 50

• Give Me the Old Timers Religion
• Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
• Just a Slower Walk with Thee
• Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
• Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
• Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car
• Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
• Blessed Insurance
• It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

Awesome, needed the laugh, thanks! LOVE the little girls response! And the dirt! Hahaha...good finds.