Clean Jokes Thread

[Mancunian]

John Mushroom.... What a fun guy.

 

[Mancunian]

Somebody asked me if I believed in reincarnation. I'm sure that someone had asked me that before.

 

[Mancunian]

I was going to donate to a charity supporting Alzheimer's but I forgot all about it.

 

[Mancunian]

What goes 50 miles per hour on your washing line?

Hondapants.

 

[Mancunian]

I thought that my knees were clicking as I walked, but then I realised that I was wearing flip flops.

 

[Mancunian]

My uncle was a window cleaner, I looked up to him.

 

[Mancunian]

I asked a Scotsman what is worn under his kilt, he said "Nothing, it's all in perfect condition."

 

[Lambano]

The entrepreneur was interviewing candidates for the position of chief accountant at his new start-up.. At the end of each interview, he'd ask the candidates one last question: "What is 2+2?" The accountants might be puzzled, smirk, or look insulted, but of course they each answered, "4". Now, it was the last interview of the day, and the boss again asked the candidate the final question, "What is 2+2?" The accountant looked around, checked to make sure the door was closed, leaned in close and asked in a low, conspiratorial voice, "What do you WANT it to be?"

He got the job.

 

[Mancunian]

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

"Pick a Cod, any Cod".

 

[Mancunian]

Two goldfish in a tank... One looks at the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing".

 

[Mancunian]

I took my mother in law to an auction... I got no bids.

 

[Mancunian]

I wonder why they don't serve escargot at fast food restaurants?

 

[Mancunian]

Just taken my kids to their first Muslim birthday party.
The game of musical chairs went very slowly, but pass the parcel was very quick.

 

[Mancunian]

I went for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter asked me for a tip, so I said 'Don't eat yellow snow".

 

[Matthias]

Saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.

To be fair, I suppose that's normal for a goat.

 

[Mancunian]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?


I'll tell you tomorrow.

 

[Mancunian]

I lost my job at the Orange juice manufacturers....
I couldn't concentrate.

 

[Mancunian]

My cat owner friend asked me for advice on how to stop her apartment from smelling so bad.
I told her to open her windows... She said "I can't do that, my pigeons will escape".

 

[Mancunian]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipe?
He had 'I Love Santa' tattooed on his arm.

 

[Mancunian]

Do you know what those poor donkeys get for their lunch on Blackpool beach?

15 minutes.