Clean Jokes Thread

[Mancunian]

My friend pretended that she didn't like swimming in Africa's longest river.

I think that she was in denial.

 

[Mancunian]

I invited a giant panda to lunch, he was so ungrateful. After eating all my food he pulled out a gun shot my windows out and left without a word.


I looked up Giant Panda in an encyclopedia to see if this was typical behaviour.

It said: Giant Panda.. Eats shoots and leaves.

 

[Mancunian]

A man walks into a bar with his pet Newt.
The barman asks what the Newts name is... The man replies "it's Tiny"... The barman asks why Tiny?
The man replies "because he's my Newt".

 

[Mancunian]

I haven't spoken to my wife for three days.... I didn't want to interrupt her.

 

[Mancunian]

I visited my childhood home recently. I knocked on the door and asked the people there if I could have a look around as I was feeling nostalgic.
They slammed the door in my face...
It's the last thing that you would expect from your parents.

 

[Mancunian]

Why did ET have heart problems?

He saw his phone bill.

 

[Mancunian]

What happened to King David when he went to Mount Olive?

Popeye punched him.

 

[Mancunian]

What's Kermit Frog's middle name?

The.

 

[RLT63]

A man walked into a dentist’s office and said “I need help, I think I’m a moth”.
The dentist said “You don’t need a dentist you need a psychiatrist.” The man said “Yeah, that’s what I need a psychiatrist.” The dentist said “Why did you come in here?” The man said “The light was on “