A great deal of therapeutic effort goes into struggling with anger and resentment, because this “unfinished business” causes so much difficulty–both for the person who has it and for other family members, friends, and associates. All of us can think of people who spend much of their time preoccupied with old hurts and injuries, interfering with their ongoing relationships and preventing them from getting on with their lives. How often have you wished that there were a quick and easy way to give up this preoccupation with the dead past and refocus on present and future living? Forgiving others (or yourself) does not mean condoning the behavior that harmed you (or someone else), or giving up the values that were violated. An important part of the pattern is to reaffirm your own values and criteria and use them to develop ways of coping resourcefully. The resolution and integration that forgiveness brings will make it easier to take effective action to uphold your values and standards in the future.
Objections have to do with the meaning of forgiveness to the one who needs to forgive.
1. “If I forgave her/him, that would mean something about me–that I'm a wimp, that I condone what she/he did to me.”
Can you see that far from being a wimp, your forgiving them would mean that you have accomplished a change that takes great courage, compassion and understanding–one that only a few human beings are capable of.
2. “The other person doesn't deserve forgiveness.”
Perhaps not. But forgiveness is not for them, it's for you, so that you can live in your body with more comfort and congruence. Forgiveness is so that you don't have to continue to be burdened by angry feelings, preoccupied with obsessive thoughts about revenge, etc.
3. “I need to get even first.”
What would getting even do for you? Often people say that they feel personally diminished by the harm that was done to them, and that getting even would help them feel powerful and good about themselves again. I want you to feel powerful and good about yourself, and I'd like to offer you other ways of doing this. For instance, I'd like you to learn how to cope effectively with possible repetitions of this kind of behavior, so that you feel safe and strong in knowing what you can do to prevent a recurrence.
4. “Anger makes me feel powerful; I don't want to give it up.”
Yes, there is a certain feeling of power in feeling angry, in being courageous and willing to stand up for yourself and your values. But usually there is also a sense of lack of choice in having to be angry and having to be preoccupied with thoughts of that person who harmed you. When someone says, “He made me angry,” what they are really saying is, “He can control my feelings; I have no choice but to get angry.” I'd like to offer you more choices, so that you can be the one in control of your feelings and behavior, and stand up for yourself even more powerfully.
5. “I refuse to forgive and forget.”
I agree with you completely. I don't want you to forgive and forget. If you forgot, then you'd be completely vulnerable to a repetition of the harm that was done to you. I want you to forgive and remember. I want you to remember so that you are protected against possible recurrences, and to remember in a way that provides you with feelings of strength, choice, and resourcefulness, instead of being provoked into choice less anger.
6. “If I forgave them, then they'd think what they did didn't matter and they could feel comfortable doing it again.”
So you want him to know how terrible it was for you, and so that he won't do it again. I think that it is important for you to communicate that to him. I don't know about you, but I find that when I'm angry I don't communicate very well. Often the other person gets defensive and doesn't listen, and maybe “blows it off,” thinking “Oh, he's just upset; it doesn't mean anything.” I'd like to help you find ways to really get through to him, and my guess is that will be much easier if you're not angry and upset.
One ex-prisoner of war asked another, “Have you forgiven your captors yet?” The second one replied, “NO, NEVER!” And the other one turned and said, “Then it seems like they still have you in prison, don't they?”
“One man spent eighteen years in Chinese prison and labor camps. In the early '80s they allowed him to come to India. On occasion he and I discussed his experiences in the various Chinese labor camps. And he told me that during those periods, on a few occasions he really faced some danger. I asked what kind of danger, and his response was, 'Oh, danger of losing compassion for the Chinese.' That kind of mental attitude is, I think, a key factor to sustain peace of mind.”
The Dali Lama “If we could read the secret history of those we would like to punish, we would find in each life enough grief and suffering to make us stop wishing anything more on them.” –Source Unknown
Matthew 18:21,22 St. Peter: “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times?” Jesus saith unto him, “I say not unto thee until seven times: but until seventy times seven.”
Matthew 6:14 “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you”
Luke 23:34 “Father, forgive them: for they know not what they do.”
Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged”
In Warsaw, in 1939, a man watched as the Nazis machine-gunned hundreds of Jews, including his wife, two daughters, and three sons. “I had to decide right then whether to let myself hate the soldiers who had done this. It was an easy decision, really. I was a lawyer. In my practice I had seen too often what hate could do to people's minds and bodies. Hate had just killed the six people who mattered most to me in the world. I decided then that I would spend the rest of my life–whether it was a few days or many years–loving every person I came in contact with.” –George G. Ritchie, Return from Tomorrow, pp. 115-116
Objections have to do with the meaning of forgiveness to the one who needs to forgive.
1. “If I forgave her/him, that would mean something about me–that I'm a wimp, that I condone what she/he did to me.”
Can you see that far from being a wimp, your forgiving them would mean that you have accomplished a change that takes great courage, compassion and understanding–one that only a few human beings are capable of.
2. “The other person doesn't deserve forgiveness.”
Perhaps not. But forgiveness is not for them, it's for you, so that you can live in your body with more comfort and congruence. Forgiveness is so that you don't have to continue to be burdened by angry feelings, preoccupied with obsessive thoughts about revenge, etc.
3. “I need to get even first.”
What would getting even do for you? Often people say that they feel personally diminished by the harm that was done to them, and that getting even would help them feel powerful and good about themselves again. I want you to feel powerful and good about yourself, and I'd like to offer you other ways of doing this. For instance, I'd like you to learn how to cope effectively with possible repetitions of this kind of behavior, so that you feel safe and strong in knowing what you can do to prevent a recurrence.
4. “Anger makes me feel powerful; I don't want to give it up.”
Yes, there is a certain feeling of power in feeling angry, in being courageous and willing to stand up for yourself and your values. But usually there is also a sense of lack of choice in having to be angry and having to be preoccupied with thoughts of that person who harmed you. When someone says, “He made me angry,” what they are really saying is, “He can control my feelings; I have no choice but to get angry.” I'd like to offer you more choices, so that you can be the one in control of your feelings and behavior, and stand up for yourself even more powerfully.
5. “I refuse to forgive and forget.”
I agree with you completely. I don't want you to forgive and forget. If you forgot, then you'd be completely vulnerable to a repetition of the harm that was done to you. I want you to forgive and remember. I want you to remember so that you are protected against possible recurrences, and to remember in a way that provides you with feelings of strength, choice, and resourcefulness, instead of being provoked into choice less anger.
6. “If I forgave them, then they'd think what they did didn't matter and they could feel comfortable doing it again.”
So you want him to know how terrible it was for you, and so that he won't do it again. I think that it is important for you to communicate that to him. I don't know about you, but I find that when I'm angry I don't communicate very well. Often the other person gets defensive and doesn't listen, and maybe “blows it off,” thinking “Oh, he's just upset; it doesn't mean anything.” I'd like to help you find ways to really get through to him, and my guess is that will be much easier if you're not angry and upset.
One ex-prisoner of war asked another, “Have you forgiven your captors yet?” The second one replied, “NO, NEVER!” And the other one turned and said, “Then it seems like they still have you in prison, don't they?”
“One man spent eighteen years in Chinese prison and labor camps. In the early '80s they allowed him to come to India. On occasion he and I discussed his experiences in the various Chinese labor camps. And he told me that during those periods, on a few occasions he really faced some danger. I asked what kind of danger, and his response was, 'Oh, danger of losing compassion for the Chinese.' That kind of mental attitude is, I think, a key factor to sustain peace of mind.”
The Dali Lama “If we could read the secret history of those we would like to punish, we would find in each life enough grief and suffering to make us stop wishing anything more on them.” –Source Unknown
Matthew 18:21,22 St. Peter: “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times?” Jesus saith unto him, “I say not unto thee until seven times: but until seventy times seven.”
Matthew 6:14 “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you”
Luke 23:34 “Father, forgive them: for they know not what they do.”
Matthew 7:1 “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged”
In Warsaw, in 1939, a man watched as the Nazis machine-gunned hundreds of Jews, including his wife, two daughters, and three sons. “I had to decide right then whether to let myself hate the soldiers who had done this. It was an easy decision, really. I was a lawyer. In my practice I had seen too often what hate could do to people's minds and bodies. Hate had just killed the six people who mattered most to me in the world. I decided then that I would spend the rest of my life–whether it was a few days or many years–loving every person I came in contact with.” –George G. Ritchie, Return from Tomorrow, pp. 115-116