This might be really hard to explain to you these feelings. I'm not sure that I can do it! There is something deeply bothering me. I'm trying to talk to God about it, but it seems like everything is geared to make me feel worse. I was feeling really bad at work today, and when I got home to check my work email, I saw something that made my extremely bad feelings even worse!
I got no idea what God's purpose for creating me and putting me on this earth. We can always say "to praise him/give him glory." But I always heard that God gives us abilities to use. Somehow using them gives him glory. But as I look around at other people's abilities and compare to mine. It feels like my abilities are not good enough for anything or anyone. It seems like my number 1 ability is struggle through life, while I watch others run right past me. I feel like I'm missing out on life, and I spend my day to day just waiting to die, so that I can get out of this world. And then I just hope that God will let me into heaven. Because it's been really hard for me to hold onto faith while my prayers aren't being answered. While I'm stuck right in the spot I am stuck in. I sure hope God isn't trying to teach me anything. Because if He is, then I think I'm too stupid to be able to learn the lesson.
I know that everyday, my Mom prays that God will protect me from discouragement from the Evil one. I think that is really nice of her. But the effect of the prayer seems to be the opposite of she is asking for. It seems like Satan hears the prayer and says, "Since your praying like this, then I'm going to double down on Him, and make extra sure He feels discouraged."
I'm going to say this as an example. Tonight I was listening the "Ten Minute Bible Hour Podcast on the book of Matthew" I have listened to a total of 403 10 minute episodes. I love the deep dive. But I find that my feelings of worthlessness and discouragement are interrupting my thought patterns so bad, that I'm not processing it as good as I could be.
In order to help you to understand my feelings, I think that I would need to tell you my life story. It might take a long time to talk about every detail. But even if I did that, I think it would be impossible to really get it all out of me. Even if I could sit down with a real life consular, I'm not sure that I could sort it all out. Wayyyy back in the day, I had some people I could talk to about this..... But those people are no longer in my life anymore, and these days I'm life is just full of road blocks keeping me from getting healing in that way. I feel angry with God. Angry with Him because I know he's capable of making a way, but is choosing not to give me a way. I don't get it!
Anyways you can pray for me if you want too. There probably isn't any advice that I haven't heard or read before. These issues of mine, have been going on for years and years and years.
Before I talk I want to pray.
Holy Father,
Have mercy on Always and free Always from negative thoughts of self-doubt. Shine a light on the path and point in the right direction. Give opportunties for success and strengthen confidence and trust. Help us to find goodness and truth in unexpected places and help us to adopt the right perspective as we struggle. And above all, don't let us fall. Give us wings and bid us fly.
I know you Father that you are good, kind, gentile and loving and that you will bless Always soon. Finally, give Always a sign of affirmation, appreciation and worthiness. I know Always is worthy. Help Always see it. Thank you Father
Amen.
Without going into much detail here, I can tell you that I suffered self-doubt and self-judgment when I was younger. I discovered what was happening eventually. I was caught in a trap. The very sin that made me feel guilty was the also the sin that was pleasurable. I would commit the sin to feel good, only to feel guilty afterward. But the guilt would cause me to seek pleasure again. I was trapped in a loop and all the time my self-talk was filled with negative thoughts about uselessness and etc.
I was released from the trap one day when I finally gave up. I told the Lord "I give up. I honestly can't cope with this problem and would you please have mercy on me and free me from it." From that point forward, I adopted two attitudes at the same time: an attitude of surrender and an attitude of gratitude. I stopped "trying" to stop sinning. I gave up trying. Instead, I decided to lean on him.
Also, I decided that negative thoughts and self-talk were not going to go away UNLESS I replaced them with something else. I made it my goal to practice what Paul said to the Philippians
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.
I made it a goal to look for new thoughts. I listened to inspiring music, including hymns (especially hymns) I watched inspiring movies; I read inspiring stories. I made it my everyday task to thing about excellent things. I talked about positive things with my coworkers and my family. I told myself, "don't try to abandon negative thoughts. That will keep you in them. Simply replace negative thoughts with positive ones. I smiled at others. I felt good for the success of others and celebrated joy with them. I began to enjoy humor and I surrounded myself with positive people.
Think on what is good, right and true and keep thinking about good ideas and good stories and good people.
Let us know what happens next.
God bless. If you fail, don't give up! God can work miracles and give you victory! God does miracles all the time!.
