my poor dogs have to put up with my tirades,
I think dogs are a treasure; an incredible godsend. For years I used to work over 80 hours a week, and my fiance began to notice that something wasn't right about me. I would be gone for weeks at a time working, and sometimes we only had half a day to spend time together, but that was enough for her to suggest I get a dog so I wouldn't go crazy. She had a shepherd/cattle dog mix, and I really liked the breed so I stopped off at the local SPCA, and they had a one or two year old miniature Queensland heeler. I had him for 8 years before he died. He taught me a lot.
When I would visit my mother, he would start barking at her seemingly for no apparent reason. We might be hanging out for a few days, and suddenly on the second or third day, as soon as my mother would start to say something to me, he would start barking, and it took me a few years before I finally figure out what was going on. He could detect contempt in her voice. I had tuned it out decades earlier, and just lived with it. I finally told my mother that if she didn't change the tone of her voice, he was just going to keep barking. I had originally tried to discipline him, but when I finally figured out what was going on, I decided to let him bark, and let my mother change her behavior instead. Not only did she change her behavior, I started standing up for myself, and refusing to be a doormat.
My sister also had a small dog, and when we would go to her house, we never knew what kind of mood she would be in so it was always stressful, but one time I noticed her dog get up from the floor, stretch, and with the most subtle movements, make himself scarce. I had seen him do that so many times before without ever noticing why he was leaving, but that day, I noticed it, and two minutes later, my sister blew a gasket.
After that, I always knew when to make my exit as well, and I never saw my sister fly off into a rage until some time after her dog died. By that time, I was getting pretty good at looking for the signs myself, and eventually learned to make myself scarce if it looked like my sister was going to detonate.
I would take my dog for a long walk, and by the time I got back, the worst of it would be over, and my sister would be gone. The last time I came back from a dog walk, she was just driving out the driveway. When we walked inside, my mother was still shaking. There was broken glass on the floor and water everywhere. My sister had thrown a glass coffee pot, and broke it, then simply grabbed her stuff and left. My mother would always swear that she was just going to tell my sister not to come back home for the holidays because she couldn't take it anymore, but every year she would cave in and just not say anything. I forget what they call it, something like "enabling behavior" or "codependence".
I most surely am quite a different person now.
I've noticed that I am quite a different person as well, but what I've noticed is that my ability to judge how well I'm doing is significantly better than it was 30 years ago so even though I may have thought I was screwed up 30 years ago, I had no idea how screwed up I really was back then. The crazy thing is that what I see in myself now is much worse than what originally prompted me to change my path. It seems like it's what I need to see in order to stay on the path.
Jesus said that He would be the cause of much division between family members.
You know what's really strange? I've never really thought that the division between me and my family had anything to do with Jesus, but as soon as I read that, I remembered how my sister just sent me an email saying that my references to the bible were of no use. She's always been into quoting a lot of the modern new age authors, and thinks the bible is antiquated, and outdated.
you have humility of heart and desire His ways.
To be perfectly blunt, I have always "kicked against the pricks". I don't really have any sense that I am intentionally seeking his ways. What I've noticed is that I am being forced to do his will against my own. I am the most reluctant to do anything for anyone else, but for some crazy reason, I end up doing stuff for other people, and every time the only thing at the forefront of my mind is my own well being. It freaks me out how I will only do what I want to do for myself, and someone else gets something out of it. Over and over, what I intend for evil, ends up being turned around for the good of others. The thing is that when I see it, it scares me. It tells me that I need to stop resisting because God's dice are always loaded. I can't win. God always wins.
believe what He say's about you, not what Satan would have you believe.
What has been revealed to me is that Satan believes in the power of myself whereas God's focus is completely in, with, and through Christ. I must decrease that Christ may increase. I am slowly disappearing, and it is the most liberating experience of my life. Truly it is being liberated from my life.
I think our biggest problem is not seeing immediate answers (though, sometimes we will!)
I've learned to accept life as it is rather than how I wish it could be. My mother forwarded an email from my sister in which she stated that she loved me despite the hatred I have for her. I once again sent my sister an email informing her that I was sorry she still felt that I hated her, and that she didn't deserve to be subjected to my presence if she felt threatened. I have taken the tact of basically giving up on trying to defend my position, or justify myself. It's wrong and pointless.
So I told her that I was sorry that she's had to struggle with this her whole life, and that I was also really glad that her life was now so much better since I had been gone these last four or five years. (This was what she had just emailed me.) I basically just agreed with her as best I could, and told her that since everything seems to be going so much better now that perhaps there's really no reason to try and fix anything if it doesn't appear to be broke.
She shot back a scathing email full of contempt and so much sarcasm, I can't even understand what she was trying to actually say. This may sound bad, but getting a hate filled email from 3000 miles away doesn't bother me nearly as much as having someone screaming in my face. There are a lot of lonely people around the holiday season, but I'm not one of them. I'm a bit shell shocked as well so I like the fact that the last four or five Thanksgivings and Christmases have been completely uneventful. All that drama never made me feel like I was part of a loving family.
He restores relationships and softens hearts and changes even the most rebellious minds.
I dearly hope that my sister will be able to come around some day, but I'm okay if it doesn't happen. God knows best.
You are no officially on my prayer list brother.
Thanks. I appreciate the kind words, but my mother is the one who needs the prayers. She's still right there in the belly of the beast. She just sent me an email telling me how she promised God that if she made it home alive from last years Thanksgiving get together, she would never ride in my sister's car again. A year later, and she doesn't know how to get out of it. She's terrified of my sister's driving.
She's also terrified to tell my sister that she would rather that her husband drive. I sent an email back with a quote from Matthew 10:28, and pointed out that while I could understand how my sister sometimes made me think my soul was being killed as well, it may be wise to rethink one's priorities because being able to keep one's promise to God is definitely a good thing, and in more ways than one. Her response was that she is going to call her on Wednesday, and tell her that she's sick and can't go. Lying isn't the best course either, but it seems to be my mother's default method of dealing with problems.
I told her that perhaps she might purchase a crash helmet from the local motorcycle shop, and bring a fire extinguisher along as well. Then tell my sister that she could drive as fast as she wanted because she's all ready for a crash and burn. Sweeping it under the rug is the default with my family. How is my mother going to feel if my sister and her husband are killed in some fiery crash? Why do people always remember that they could have said something after a tragedy?
Of course I can't complain or point fingers because I'm 3000 miles away, and just as much a coward as anyone else. My sister already knows my opinion because I finally told her I didn't feel comfortable with her driving. She's had a few wrecks, one with an air bag deployment, and still drives like she's late for her own funeral.
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