I can hear Willie's story. It better have some car chases and explosions in it, or I will lose interest.
I'm reading this thread again this morning to see what I might have glossed over or missed.
I don't understand your attitude or frame of mind here. That doesn't mean you are wrong in some way, just that I don't understand it.
I would think listening to the stories of other people you share a similar experience with (being harmed by religion and religious men who didn't really care about you but rather about controlling others thoughts and behaviors) would give you more insight And be a help to you, even just to hear how they worked through the obvious anger and hurt that resulted from their awful treatment.
But instead, you seem to not want to hear about their own struggle through it unless it can crank your own emotions up or hop you up into some frenzy of feeling by having an explosive car chase.
That seems to me to indicate that you've shut your own self off in a defense mechanism, walling yourself off from feeling your own emotions and then engaging with others only if they can alleviate that dead or numb feeling that results from shutting yourself down, which is like...feeding off their emotions, getting some stimulation, but through them, then being able to safely leave it because it's not yours but rather theirs.
I understand this feels safe. It feels like you're protecting yourself so no one can ever hurt you again. But...it's also not emotional health and it's a using of people for self gratification, similar to watching porn. Like you want to feel but don't want any chance to be hurt. Its a fear based control issue.
Men are so varied in their defense mechanisms. Some hoard things, and it looks strange to us and we can't understand why they freak out at even the smallest attempt by someone else to help them declutter, but its fear. Its always fear. They are feeling some alleviation of their fear by feeling control over their own little sphere.
I think somewhere deep inside they know (if they would examine things) that they have no control. They can't control if they get cancer, or if someone they love dies. And instead of working through the fear this creates, they find some...artificial solution that keeps them from having to deal with their fears of really having no control.
The only difference between a hoarder of things and someone who turns their own emotions off is the way they choose to make themselves feel in control. They are both trying to feel in control of what they have no real control over. They are both trying to feel no fear or tamp down their fear.
Even religious men who tried to control all your thoughts of God by getting everyone on the exact same doctrinal page, even they do this to try to alleviate their own fears.