I get what your saying about cults. There are Jehovah's Witness, Mormon, and any cults that hurt and abuse children. But Jesus did say "The Father knows what is on your heart even before you ask Him" Now, depending on your thinking, and what you think of me, will determine if you trust that "The Father knows what is already on your heart"
You don't me to tell you this, but you need to hear and read this in the Bible and put your whole trust that "God hears me". This is the testimony of those who put their faith in God. God hears me.
Do you think this is right? If you do, then you are ready for a next step. If God does hear you (your prayer, your talking to God, your mental conversation with God), so you think you need to hear from God? I hope you do. I know I do. Well, how else would you know what is really from you or someone else or from God....unless you read the Word for yourself and are seeking for God, for yourself, because you really want God?
You can't compare your understanding to anything else, unless it's the truth in the Bible.
Jesus said "I am the way, I am the truth, I am the life". That is not some pastor, some person, but Jesus. You have to meet and know this Jesus found in the Bible, found right near You. He is there right by you.
I would confess everything that is on your heart to God, ask him for help you and forgive you for any known or unknown sins, then make a full heart committment to seek and know God, this means to trust and obey and love God. As you read about God found only in the Bible.
God can't be found in any other books, but God uses His own Words, found in the Bible. When Jesus fought the lies of the Devil in Matthew 4, Jesus quotes from the Bible, the old testament, which is the same Old Testament you and I have. If it was good enough to batlte and defeat the devil, after fasting 40 days, then it's good enough for all of God's children.
There is not other alternatives. It sounds like you were tricked or deceived in some cult or some really abuse or really strict "religious" upbringings. You have to go to God for this. Those people cant' hurt you anymore. God loves even the most wicked of sinners, these involved in the occults, but one day will call them to account for what they did, and it will be too late for them. God gives them a chance to repent, stop hurting others, but if they persist in their own stubborn ways.
Now I can go on and on and some of this you might think is "of my own personal denomination" or "personal bias" therefore "occultish" you might think...but then you read and ask God to interpret the scriptures for you. What does you heart say?
Does God leave us alone to search for Him? Yes. Read Psalms and see how David did it.
Does that mean God will always just be so far away, I have to cry like David? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
You are breathing aren't you? God gives you breath.
You are with a beating heart right? God gives you life.
There are many things around us that God is doing and speaking to us, but we can't see or understand it.
If you are hurting, and if you are doubting, Jesus said in Matthew 11:28-30 "Come unto me all you that are heavy burden and laden and will give you rest"
This means real prayer, crying to God, waiting on God for His answers, and hearing his already answered questions you have found only in the Bible. This how it works, I find.