During the later part of 1999 the Lord wanted me to go learn what was wrong with me and why I was still struggling with addictions and an inability to overcome things like fear and shame.
I was singing a song called, "Kiss The Son."
It talked about trusting God even if He killed me.
It talked about having some rock fall on me and grind me to dust.
It somehow sounded good to me but I couldn't quite perceive what it meant.
Deep within me was a cry for my life-long pain/depression to end.
But I was saved. I was born-again. I was anointed, appointed, and used by God. I knew it and so did everyone that knew me. I was in the river. I was part of the Father's blessing. I'd experienced it personally. I was part of the international renewal of the church. For crying out loud, my fellowship's overseer and the guy who released the funds for my fellowship's P.A. system was John Arnott. My pastor was personally trained by John Wimber. I had it all but I was miserable. It had to be the devil. I had to combat him with the word.
In the last paragraph, I used the word, "I" eleven times.
The word itself was not bad, it describes what I tried to do.
I, me, myself, was and is still my main challenge.
Not the immature church, not the devil, not the far-left, not my dad, not the world, but the sinful, corrupted state of my fallen, putrid, soul.
After everything I've gone through, I still haven't arrived.
The one plus for me is that I'm still following Jesus to our cross.
My big breakthrough was last year when we finished circumcising my heart.
Before I had a crack in my rock-hard soul.
The living water would seep out of this.
Now it has a hole through which a lot more of the life-giving water can flow.
As long as I continue following Him, I should be good.
I'm not perfect, but the perfect one resides in me and through continued affliction and trials is perfecting me.
I need to allow Him to have His way with me, on a daily basis.
He's never looked down His nose at me.
He always pays attention to me.
He never gives up on me.
He never stops loving me.
He always keeps His promises to me, even when I don't.
I have this little area in my heart that is pure now.
There's more that isn't.
I don't understand a lot but I know He is making progress in me and is allowing me the privilege of participating in His ministry.
For me, this is enough.