After years of trying to hold onto my faith I am ready to give up. I once had a beautiful relationship with God but many things made me question his love for me: a lifetime of poverty, an abusive relationship with my father, trauma, being isolated, people who treated me badly getting away with their abuses and living great lives, losing my stepchildren, and just struggling with life in general. I recently finished listening to an audio New Testament but could not find any verses that could help me believe that God would fulfill the last thing I was holding on for (that in Heaven he would create a gryphon that I often dream about). In the few prayers I have made in the past few years I asked God for answers. Why he didn't make me rich, why he didn't make me famous, why he didn't make me desirable, why my life has to be what it is and was.
Many people rely on the book of Job as an easy answer for our sufferings. I feel like I pose as a problem to the Christian community because I am proof that even if we hold on as Job did there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Sure someone can say God is going to reward us in Heaven but the problem is that Heaven's riches are pretty common. For example, its riches are kind of pointless because at that point no one dies and any hypothetical wealth they can receive won't really do any good. On earth they could have used it for food, medical related expenses and other necessities.
I try to keep a distance from Christians because I know, and have heard of, many who were disgusting human beings. I am not just talking about the stuff non-Christians are always harping on about (the Spanish inquisition, the witchhunts, priests who prey on Children). I once read about a man that helped abuse a child to death. He later became a priest and I am sure that if his church was confronted about it they would act like it was the greatest turnaround since Saul of Tarsus became the Apostle Paul, if not an even better one. I don't even want to think about the possibility of these dreadful people going to heaven. Even though I have a loose grasp on Christianity, I hope God will punish them deapite them believing in Jesus.
I had mentioned my enemies and I try not to think about them because it not only makes me angry at them but also at God who not allowed them to harm me and my family but also has rewarded them for their wickedness.
I hope what I have said did not offend anyone. As for myself I think I will go onto some kind of mini Christianity if I do not leave it all together. While I can believe everything the Bible is true, I won't pray and will pay very little attention to the Bible itself. As of right now I don't want to think about any of it.
Many people rely on the book of Job as an easy answer for our sufferings. I feel like I pose as a problem to the Christian community because I am proof that even if we hold on as Job did there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Sure someone can say God is going to reward us in Heaven but the problem is that Heaven's riches are pretty common. For example, its riches are kind of pointless because at that point no one dies and any hypothetical wealth they can receive won't really do any good. On earth they could have used it for food, medical related expenses and other necessities.
I try to keep a distance from Christians because I know, and have heard of, many who were disgusting human beings. I am not just talking about the stuff non-Christians are always harping on about (the Spanish inquisition, the witchhunts, priests who prey on Children). I once read about a man that helped abuse a child to death. He later became a priest and I am sure that if his church was confronted about it they would act like it was the greatest turnaround since Saul of Tarsus became the Apostle Paul, if not an even better one. I don't even want to think about the possibility of these dreadful people going to heaven. Even though I have a loose grasp on Christianity, I hope God will punish them deapite them believing in Jesus.
I had mentioned my enemies and I try not to think about them because it not only makes me angry at them but also at God who not allowed them to harm me and my family but also has rewarded them for their wickedness.
I hope what I have said did not offend anyone. As for myself I think I will go onto some kind of mini Christianity if I do not leave it all together. While I can believe everything the Bible is true, I won't pray and will pay very little attention to the Bible itself. As of right now I don't want to think about any of it.