What makes you think it’s my mom? Testimony’s?
um, I'm not ab sure it's mom, but i am ab sure you are eating yourself over something
Yes, she hurt me and it hurts even worse that she refuses to acknowledge it and may never will. I know God has not allowed her to see it and I forgive her. I wish she knew He loves her too. I doubt that is why I’m sick. But maybe.
I wish she knew God's love could be quite painful, but maybe she already knows that. I can't describe the impact a well-placed "fu, mom" might have coming from a daughter like you, ok, said in the right voice. Can you imagine saying that to her? "Ya ok, whatever mom, how 'bout you piss off" said deadpan from you would prolly blow her mind, but really a point is that you don't even have to say that stuff to convey it, but you are not in that place, right, you are still believing something you might do might gain her approval? Someday?
And that is likely never going to happen ok, unless you take some steps. They don't have to be as drastic as above I guess, but def along those lines imo. But see you are still
approaching your mom, trying to please her I bet right, rather than completely disinterested in her and avoiding her like the plague, like you should be doing. You are feeding her monster prolly. What she has trained you to do. I'd break it somehow, if any of this sounds familiar. But see you even tried like "witnessing" to her prolly huh.
You could maybe do us both a favor here, and go get a hammer. Then put your hand, the non-hammer one, on a stout table, and bash it as hard as you can stand with the hammer. Keep doing it until you can't stand it anymore, and then set the hammer down, and go dress your hand. Then, every time you even think about approaching your mom, hit your hand with the hammer again, like that. I'm not sure of y'alls dynamic here but if she approaches you be unavailable, let it goto voicemail, etc, and resist replying. All stuff you are not inclined to do I bet.
Your mom has self-respect issues, obv, and so you have no self-respect much, particularly around her I guess, but you are trying to show her respect, right, and that is the very worst thing you can do to a person in that place wadr. While outright disrespect is not required, getting free however you may prolly is ok, and I would contemplate the damage you are doing to
your family here, and prolly your very soul/life too ok. Let your hubby read this maybe, and get his reaction, bc ya I am still mostly throwing darts at a blank wall, but the pieces are coming together here imo