Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’m on public assistance. It’s been this way for over a decade now. I had a bright future ahead of me: Having graduated no. 9 in my high school class, I aspired to get a Master of Arts degree in English at a local university. I’ve been a talented writer since a young age, my command of the English language being at the height of excellence, and I wanted to get a career as an editor, contract writer, or some other profession where my writing skills could be put to good use. I also had plans to work on novels to supplement my income. According to BLS statistics, a senior editor (a rank I would have achieved by my current age) earns on average $94,000 a year. Basically, if it weren’t for the bad things that happened to me, I would be set for life by now. Instead I’m on the dole and live with my parents at an embarrassing age.
What are the bad things that happened to me? It’s a lot to explain, much of it uncomfortable to talk about and would be a source of shame, embarrassment, and humiliation; and most of it isn’t believable in the first place, so it’s a moot point. But God promised to make things up to me, and his compensation with a financial miracle to right these wrongs will happen within two to three months, give or take a fortnight.
Not all of God’s compensation for the terrors I had to endure—and the subsequent destruction of my would-be prosperous life as a successful English major and career editor—will be monetary. I’m a mid-thirties virgin with no girlfriend before, so naturally I can’t stand the thought of marrying someone who isn’t a virgin and had boyfriends before. The jealousy is just too extreme for me to tolerate. Why should I have never dated before but marry someone with busloads of previous sex partners? Or even one or two sex partners? It’s infuriating. I had to languish on welfare, doing nothing all day for half my life, while she was enjoying men who weren’t me, and they all got to go to college and have lovely careers and live lovely lives. This is something that gives me rage-induced conniptions, to put it mildly. I’m jealous to extreme degrees; and my extreme jealousy cannot be cured even if I were forced to sleep with one hundred women (which I don’t want to do in the first place).
So what is this additional compensation I am talking about? God is going to help me meet a wife who is a virgin with no boyfriend before. She is a foreign girl from Ethiopia, and God will tell me where I will meet her, and God will use his abilities to make our relationship lead to marriage. She is much younger than me, and she is beautiful, her features adorable. She is perfect for me and perfect in every practical sense. I’ve seen hundreds of visions of her; I love her so much already, even though I haven’t met her on my world yet.
Well last night a disturbing experience happened. A future daughter appeared to me last night, even though I haven’t had sex before and therefore cannot possibly be a father. She was 9 years old, an adorable girl. She warned me of a terrible extramarital affair that I am going to have some time during my future marriage; and that the affair would be so bad to the extent that God would condemn me to the Ninth Circle of Hell where I would freeze for all eternity for betraying my wife.
I was incredulous about this atrocious prophecy: Hasn’t God already given me hundreds of visions of the Ninth Circle before? Hasn’t he warned me about it hundreds of times more? Let me be clear: I am not a cheater! I want to love my wife and be faithful forever for all eternity, even when we become angels in heaven.
I asked my daughter how I could avoid it. She said it isn’t possible to avoid it, an idea that is incredulous because I’ve been warned about it so many times. God gives me heads-up about other subjects where I’m in danger, so why wouldn’t he give me a heads-up before the so-called affair is about to transpire? I’ve trusted God all my life, and there isn’t any reason not to trust him to help me in the future should something terrible like this arise.
My daughter’s answer: No. She continued and said, “The best you can do is work to clean up afterwards,” whatever that was supposed to mean.
I really disliked this experience from heaven. I am not a cheater, I am not a cheater, I am not a cheater! Do I have to say it a hundred more times for emphasis? And even if I were some helpless adulterer, hasn’t God always given me heads-up experiences before unrelated bad events are about to transpire so I can avoid them? None of this makes any sense to me!
I want an answer from God. I resent being called a cheater and portrayed and a helpless adulterer who is going to the Ninth Circle. Please God talk to me and clear things up. And if what you, God, say is true, then what must I do to avoid it?
What are the bad things that happened to me? It’s a lot to explain, much of it uncomfortable to talk about and would be a source of shame, embarrassment, and humiliation; and most of it isn’t believable in the first place, so it’s a moot point. But God promised to make things up to me, and his compensation with a financial miracle to right these wrongs will happen within two to three months, give or take a fortnight.
Not all of God’s compensation for the terrors I had to endure—and the subsequent destruction of my would-be prosperous life as a successful English major and career editor—will be monetary. I’m a mid-thirties virgin with no girlfriend before, so naturally I can’t stand the thought of marrying someone who isn’t a virgin and had boyfriends before. The jealousy is just too extreme for me to tolerate. Why should I have never dated before but marry someone with busloads of previous sex partners? Or even one or two sex partners? It’s infuriating. I had to languish on welfare, doing nothing all day for half my life, while she was enjoying men who weren’t me, and they all got to go to college and have lovely careers and live lovely lives. This is something that gives me rage-induced conniptions, to put it mildly. I’m jealous to extreme degrees; and my extreme jealousy cannot be cured even if I were forced to sleep with one hundred women (which I don’t want to do in the first place).
So what is this additional compensation I am talking about? God is going to help me meet a wife who is a virgin with no boyfriend before. She is a foreign girl from Ethiopia, and God will tell me where I will meet her, and God will use his abilities to make our relationship lead to marriage. She is much younger than me, and she is beautiful, her features adorable. She is perfect for me and perfect in every practical sense. I’ve seen hundreds of visions of her; I love her so much already, even though I haven’t met her on my world yet.
Well last night a disturbing experience happened. A future daughter appeared to me last night, even though I haven’t had sex before and therefore cannot possibly be a father. She was 9 years old, an adorable girl. She warned me of a terrible extramarital affair that I am going to have some time during my future marriage; and that the affair would be so bad to the extent that God would condemn me to the Ninth Circle of Hell where I would freeze for all eternity for betraying my wife.
I was incredulous about this atrocious prophecy: Hasn’t God already given me hundreds of visions of the Ninth Circle before? Hasn’t he warned me about it hundreds of times more? Let me be clear: I am not a cheater! I want to love my wife and be faithful forever for all eternity, even when we become angels in heaven.
I asked my daughter how I could avoid it. She said it isn’t possible to avoid it, an idea that is incredulous because I’ve been warned about it so many times. God gives me heads-up about other subjects where I’m in danger, so why wouldn’t he give me a heads-up before the so-called affair is about to transpire? I’ve trusted God all my life, and there isn’t any reason not to trust him to help me in the future should something terrible like this arise.
My daughter’s answer: No. She continued and said, “The best you can do is work to clean up afterwards,” whatever that was supposed to mean.
I really disliked this experience from heaven. I am not a cheater, I am not a cheater, I am not a cheater! Do I have to say it a hundred more times for emphasis? And even if I were some helpless adulterer, hasn’t God always given me heads-up experiences before unrelated bad events are about to transpire so I can avoid them? None of this makes any sense to me!
I want an answer from God. I resent being called a cheater and portrayed and a helpless adulterer who is going to the Ninth Circle. Please God talk to me and clear things up. And if what you, God, say is true, then what must I do to avoid it?