Clean Jokes Thread

[Mancunian]

I've been told to eat more greens so I'm waiting for the fried chicken to go off.

 

[Mancunian]

I'm an armchair critic. The one I'm sat in now is very uncomfortable.

 

[Mancunian]

I'm a keyboard warrior. Unfortunately the wire trips me over before I can land a blow.

 

[Mancunian]

My flatmate Cal moved out and my washing machine worked a lot better.
Washing machines work better with Cal gone.

 

[Matthias]

 

[Mancunian]

If you're attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

 

[Mancunian]

What is a fully cleaned house a sign of?

No internet connection.

 

[Mancunian]

I get so excited about gardening that I wet my plants.

 

[Mancunian]

I used to think that I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.

 

[Mancunian]

To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy!

 

[Mancunian]

I entered ten of my best puns into a competition to see which one would win...

No pun in ten did.

 

[Mancunian]

I've invented a new word....

Plagiarism.

 

[Mancunian]

What's the difference between a Rabbit and a Plum?
They're both purple except for the rabbit.

 

[Mancunian]

I've put my vacuum cleaner on eBay....

It was just gathering dust.

 

[Matthias]

 

[Mancunian]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was stapled to the punk-rocker.

 

[Mancunian]

How do you get two whales in a family car?

Turn left at Chester.

 

[Mancunian]

I bought a train ticket to London, the guy said "Change at Crewe". I said "I want my change now".

 

[Mancunian]

What is worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Finding half of one.

 

[Mancunian]

I think the Harry Potter films are really far fetched.
I mean, there's a ginger kid with friends.