Asking for prayer. I’m in a bad place. Realizing or seeing hatred, bitterness and envy in my heart. I don’t understand because those things seem to be rising up and with them, I’ve been experiencing no patience whatsoever. I don’t understand because I want Him to change my heart but everywhere I look there are those things inside me. Not peace, no love, no mercy, no joy but instead something else. Doubt also and an attitude of what is the point? Has anyone else experienced bitterness, hatred, envy and lack of patience?
I was not going to write this although I felt like someone might benefit from it...including you
Not knowing your exact situation and in particular the one nagging area that is most probably causing your strife I can only give you my latest personal experiences.
Well I've been married for nearly 48 years now, and my wife takes pills for life, for a brain condition. She had seizures soon after I met her, especially after the first child. It is contained these days. I know it does affect her personality even when she denies it, even today. My wife also smokes cigarettes since she was 16. I have never liked this habit especially when she just turned 68.
Now she has had both her knees worked on, along with one of her ankles and even both her hands.
On my side: I still get loud at times, with a not so gentle tone when I reach the end of
my rope. I have learned to contain my emotions more effectively and can more easily decide which reactions are really worth fighting for or not. It was not always that way. The Lord is still working on me, and I'm so glad he is, as I feel his presence a great deal.
Now what has set me into your OP, is because of the last 4 years or so.....
Her smoking does not stop and besides, the cost keeps going up, and then her age and health.
I sympathize with her plight tremendously. She is a very practical and a no nonsense person and does not show love as I do. I express myself more openly and she is shy in many ways, even after all these years of living together under the same roof.
These days I do feel more isolated during the day and even nights if you get my drift. She hardly sleeps at night, waking up nearly every hour for the last year or so in her own bedroom. It does take its toll, on her, emotionally, mentally and physically. I believe her spirit and the love of God is strong as ever, as mine is as well.
I always begin the day though on a positive note and try to raise her spirits, knowing my God is there and Christ is looking out for me and my wife who I love and he loves us both beyond our understanding.
However, I find her more isolated on the front porch, alone, and there is now much less quality 'we' time these days.
I have come to think at times that her true friend in her life is her fags/cigs and not me. I believe this is so real that I regret even being married to such a stubborn and defiant person. I know this is wrong thinking and I pray about it.
I just cannot predict which personality I will be dealing with each day or the part of the day. So I find a little solace by fishing and doing some alone projects, even being on this site. It keeps me much calmer.
My awful and evil thoughts and words do bubble up to the forefront at times with some extras to go along with it, as they fly across the room as arrows, unannounced and with military timely and surprise. When I feel enough is enough, I give myself license to finish it abruptly. This has to stop and I do see a reversal within myself. It has also had a more positive effect on her since that time. I guess I was becoming more like a monster that a friend and a loving husband.
It is getting better VIJ. I see a light ahead and I do so ever pray for this light every day. And I do love my wife so much, and in and with Christ. It's just a little difficult at times being in this piece of flesh with its rebellious mind; such a drag on your spirit as we live in Christ who wants us to go in the opposite direction.
Who said a believer's life would be all fun and games....
au contraire!
Bless you and always be with God, working in Christ. As I'm your brother, I do care about you VIJ
APAK
