As far back as I can remember, I was a very soft spoken child. People always had to ask me 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 times "Huh? ...What did you say? ...I can't hear you?.... Speak up!... Put some base in your voice!" And even today, at age 29, I still get the same responses. If people couldn't guess my orientation from my physical demeaner, they would certainly wonder from the way I talk. I think that's why I talked so low, for the most part, because whenever I talked loudly, my voice would get high!
It is not as bad now. Thankfully, my voice is a little deeper, but it's still very subtle. I have tried my best to have a loud, deep, authoritative voice, but I eventually just gave up on trying, because it doesn't seem to fit my personality. My whole demeaner is meek... not necessarily humble. It's just laid back, passive, subtle, bland, boring. I used to really hate that about myself. I think I'm very boring. There's nothing naturally outstanding or special about my physical appearance, and most times I feel ugly. I can't sing, I can't dance, I'm slow with everything (even as a child, in daycare, I remember I would get my lunch tray taken from me every day, after I was the last kid left with my tray still half full), I can't play any kind of sport. It's like I have no talent. People have usually laughed at me when I tried to play sports, because I look so awkward--and if they don't laugh, they just have a stunned look on their face, or just shake their head in pity. So I just gave up on it.
The only thing that I can do is draw, which people have always complimented me on. At one point, I got a very big head because I (secretly) felt like I was finally good at something. I showed it off like it was gold, and made sure everywhere I went, people knew that I could draw. So now it's like what I'm known for. Now, I'm sick of that because it seems I've been put in a box and now everyone sees me as a drawing machine, like that's all there is to me. So I stopped drawing for a few years. I thought I needed to stop anyway because I didn't like how people were perceiving me--as this stuck up, arrogant, self absorbed person.
At some point in my school days--middle school and mostly highschool, I endeavored to be more authoritative, but I was always unsuccessful. At best, I became this obnoxious, homophobic (pretentiously anyway), semi-effeminate boy. I think I confused people, for the most part. I really just wanted attention and didn't know how to get it, because I had no real self esteem/respect, and there was nothing overtly interesting about me.
The truth is, I am very insecure. One guy told me that I was the most insecure person he had ever seen. I laughed hard because of how straight forward he was, and because of how true it probably was. I don't know if insecure people usually admit, or know they're insecure, but I do know it. I feel like I have no identity of my own, and I have a face for every person and occasion: I've been called fake a time or two... I still live with my mother (which I've also been condemned for), I have no real job, I've never been behind the wheel of an automobile and don't know how to drive, or have a license. I can't fight; I would always either cry or tremble uncontrollably in the face of confrontation. I feel like I have no back-bone. ...One of my aunts once told me that I had lived such a sheltered life that the world would chew me up and spit me out. I agree.
I mentioned in another thread how people always told me I was weird, psycho, or ask what's wrong with me. The last steady job I was on, one of my co-workers--a really funny, loud, outspoken guy, asked me in front of the whole crew, "what's wrong with you?... Something is wrong with you!... Why are you so timid?" That was like a eureka moment, because someone actually called me out on it. I mean people have always seen me as weak, and I’ve been called a “wuss” and a "punk" a few times. Those in my family tend to romanticize and make it something special... "He's so humble," "He's soft spoken," "He's a gentleman," "He's a good boy." But that's what family does: and I also have a very matriarchal family--immediate and extended (so of course, they're going to be softer). But Strangers just call it how they see it. And it's not cute to me. I'm sure that a lot of people see me as a sorry excuse for a man. I've been told it in so many ways, and those who don;t openly say it, I know they're thinking it. My own mother has suggested it on several occasions, even though it's not like she has really pushed me to get an education, or to be more of a man.
I don't want to be weak and timid, because weak people get ran over and used as a doormat. I know first-hand that nice guys do finish last. I think part of why I am like I am is because I don't want to hurt people—although I have (I'm not an angel by any means). But I've learned the hard way that people who don't want to hurt people are the people who get hurt the most. I have thought about just becoming a big conceited jerk who runs over everyone and doesn't care, but I can't be that kind of person. I so envy people who can though.
Although I don't want to be an obnoxious jerk, I don't want to be a pushover either. I really want to be balanced. I know some people will say "Awwe; that's sweet...you're sensitive and artistic..." But it's not “sweet” or cute to me; it's a recipe for being misused, abused, run over, and ultimately disaster!
It is not as bad now. Thankfully, my voice is a little deeper, but it's still very subtle. I have tried my best to have a loud, deep, authoritative voice, but I eventually just gave up on trying, because it doesn't seem to fit my personality. My whole demeaner is meek... not necessarily humble. It's just laid back, passive, subtle, bland, boring. I used to really hate that about myself. I think I'm very boring. There's nothing naturally outstanding or special about my physical appearance, and most times I feel ugly. I can't sing, I can't dance, I'm slow with everything (even as a child, in daycare, I remember I would get my lunch tray taken from me every day, after I was the last kid left with my tray still half full), I can't play any kind of sport. It's like I have no talent. People have usually laughed at me when I tried to play sports, because I look so awkward--and if they don't laugh, they just have a stunned look on their face, or just shake their head in pity. So I just gave up on it.
The only thing that I can do is draw, which people have always complimented me on. At one point, I got a very big head because I (secretly) felt like I was finally good at something. I showed it off like it was gold, and made sure everywhere I went, people knew that I could draw. So now it's like what I'm known for. Now, I'm sick of that because it seems I've been put in a box and now everyone sees me as a drawing machine, like that's all there is to me. So I stopped drawing for a few years. I thought I needed to stop anyway because I didn't like how people were perceiving me--as this stuck up, arrogant, self absorbed person.
At some point in my school days--middle school and mostly highschool, I endeavored to be more authoritative, but I was always unsuccessful. At best, I became this obnoxious, homophobic (pretentiously anyway), semi-effeminate boy. I think I confused people, for the most part. I really just wanted attention and didn't know how to get it, because I had no real self esteem/respect, and there was nothing overtly interesting about me.
The truth is, I am very insecure. One guy told me that I was the most insecure person he had ever seen. I laughed hard because of how straight forward he was, and because of how true it probably was. I don't know if insecure people usually admit, or know they're insecure, but I do know it. I feel like I have no identity of my own, and I have a face for every person and occasion: I've been called fake a time or two... I still live with my mother (which I've also been condemned for), I have no real job, I've never been behind the wheel of an automobile and don't know how to drive, or have a license. I can't fight; I would always either cry or tremble uncontrollably in the face of confrontation. I feel like I have no back-bone. ...One of my aunts once told me that I had lived such a sheltered life that the world would chew me up and spit me out. I agree.
I mentioned in another thread how people always told me I was weird, psycho, or ask what's wrong with me. The last steady job I was on, one of my co-workers--a really funny, loud, outspoken guy, asked me in front of the whole crew, "what's wrong with you?... Something is wrong with you!... Why are you so timid?" That was like a eureka moment, because someone actually called me out on it. I mean people have always seen me as weak, and I’ve been called a “wuss” and a "punk" a few times. Those in my family tend to romanticize and make it something special... "He's so humble," "He's soft spoken," "He's a gentleman," "He's a good boy." But that's what family does: and I also have a very matriarchal family--immediate and extended (so of course, they're going to be softer). But Strangers just call it how they see it. And it's not cute to me. I'm sure that a lot of people see me as a sorry excuse for a man. I've been told it in so many ways, and those who don;t openly say it, I know they're thinking it. My own mother has suggested it on several occasions, even though it's not like she has really pushed me to get an education, or to be more of a man.
I don't want to be weak and timid, because weak people get ran over and used as a doormat. I know first-hand that nice guys do finish last. I think part of why I am like I am is because I don't want to hurt people—although I have (I'm not an angel by any means). But I've learned the hard way that people who don't want to hurt people are the people who get hurt the most. I have thought about just becoming a big conceited jerk who runs over everyone and doesn't care, but I can't be that kind of person. I so envy people who can though.
Although I don't want to be an obnoxious jerk, I don't want to be a pushover either. I really want to be balanced. I know some people will say "Awwe; that's sweet...you're sensitive and artistic..." But it's not “sweet” or cute to me; it's a recipe for being misused, abused, run over, and ultimately disaster!
