Hello... my name is Addison. I believe without a shadow of a doubt, my heart has been divinely hardened, the Holy Spirit has left me, I have lost my salvation, and I will burn in hell for eternity.
I write this post in hopes for prayer, a warning, confession, and in hopes that someone may have felt similar ever.
I’m 23, it’s start back around the early 2000’s in which I received Christ as my lord and savior. I grew up in a Christian house hold, I was sexually awakened at an early age, around 4-6 years old, I believe I was taken advantage of by my dad, repressed memories cannot make it all clear. I was hooked on masturbation since my sexual awakening. I had always had a rebellious nature growing up, always disobedient, always lying, stealing, and manipulating. I was always a nice charming kid, but had a rebellious nature. I still knew about God, and loved him, yet my relationship was very dry. I worshipped in church, but could barely listen to the message. When my parents separated when I was 12, I was stricken with rage fits and uncomfortable. When I was 13 I found out about pornography. It went down hill from there. Now my habitual sin had become amplified with a secret pornography addiction. I knew it was wrong but could never give it up. My mind was being poisoned. I had relationships throughout high school but I was very confused about lust in them, always wanting to take them further than they wanted to go. Heartbreak was common. After my second heart break, still addicted to pornography and masturbation. I left my home at 17. In rebellion and destroyed my family by leaving. Was vaguely holding onto faith. Church here and there. While I was away from home for the next six years, I would find much more freedom living at other friends houses, doing what I wanted, having a few more relationships of sexual nature, I would grow farther and farther away, I lost my virginity when I was 19, I smoked pot when I was 17, was introduced to mushrooms when I was 17, would proceed to have a 2 year relationship with a girlfriend I would love with and have lots of intimacy with.. due to a selfish nature and mental health, that relationship had failed. By that time I had denied Gods existence for the ‘universe’. I was heartbroken calling out to the universe to lead me to love.
I’m 22, I move to a city up north called Bellingham. I met the most beautiful woman I had ever met, she was one of my roommates, my roommates all smoked marijuana and cigarettes together, eat mushrooms, I would partake in all of these things, I had picked up witchcraft, Yoga, meditation, New Age Occult crap.
I pursue my roommate relentlessly, we became quickly best friends, however I was confused with lust and love, I wanted her, and I would use the Law Of Attraction to ‘strengthen’ our relationship in my life.
The Holy Spirits conviction was very quiet at this point, but I do remember running into my first crush ever back in church, when I was 8, my first love, her name is Anna.. It was so crazy running into her at a training center in Mt. st Helens. I was so confused.. I still really like her, but knew I could never be with her because of my views.. something in my soul knew.. that was God calling me back. In retrospect of course.
I was still so confused when I came back, I wanted to confess to Anna all of the ungodly things I was apart of.. I still had time, I regret this forever.
I came back home and just swept it away, I decided to continue my lust journey after Rachel.
We eventually would start being sexually intimate.. and that’s when I could feel a literal shift in my soul, my heart had become divinely hardened to my desires.. I was no longer the caring, exuberant, generous, kind, loving, selfless person that everyone cane to know. I had become a child of Satan again. I couldn’t feel anything, to this day it feels like a whole in my chest, nothing is there.
Our relationship crumbled, because of my new shift. Depressed, selfish, quite, and lost.
I fled back to Christ in my research in debunking New Age Beliefs.. Christ is Lorde, he is our savior and he is coming soon.. I gave my life to Christ ‘Again’, but it was too late. As I found out about what it says in the book of Hebrews. My heart sank. I cry in repentance but find myself as Easau..
When I read my Bible, I get scared to read Hebrews, the book that speak on the true dangers of loosing your salvation.. I feel spiritually dead, lost, The absence of my true self in Christ.
My new sobering belief in Hell is my new reality.. I am so stressed, depressed, and so scared. I do not do anything.. I watch YouTube videos all day about “once saved, always saved” to make me feel better, but I debate against those that believe you can’t loose your salvation. I am convinced of the rapture coming soon. And I watch videos detailing people’s accounts of their hell visitations.. something I feel is coming soon and the only thing I am destined to..
eternal damnation.
Please Please Please, PRAY FOR ME
I miss my relationship with my king, my savior, and my first love. Please pray that i have not fallen too far from Grace. He is the Lion and the Lamb. Merciful, Graceful, and Just.
“Once saved, always saved” is not true, read Hebrews and hear its warnings.
God bless you all, I love you all, Thank you for reading my story.
Please pray for me, I wished to give my life for my King!!!!
I write this post in hopes for prayer, a warning, confession, and in hopes that someone may have felt similar ever.
I’m 23, it’s start back around the early 2000’s in which I received Christ as my lord and savior. I grew up in a Christian house hold, I was sexually awakened at an early age, around 4-6 years old, I believe I was taken advantage of by my dad, repressed memories cannot make it all clear. I was hooked on masturbation since my sexual awakening. I had always had a rebellious nature growing up, always disobedient, always lying, stealing, and manipulating. I was always a nice charming kid, but had a rebellious nature. I still knew about God, and loved him, yet my relationship was very dry. I worshipped in church, but could barely listen to the message. When my parents separated when I was 12, I was stricken with rage fits and uncomfortable. When I was 13 I found out about pornography. It went down hill from there. Now my habitual sin had become amplified with a secret pornography addiction. I knew it was wrong but could never give it up. My mind was being poisoned. I had relationships throughout high school but I was very confused about lust in them, always wanting to take them further than they wanted to go. Heartbreak was common. After my second heart break, still addicted to pornography and masturbation. I left my home at 17. In rebellion and destroyed my family by leaving. Was vaguely holding onto faith. Church here and there. While I was away from home for the next six years, I would find much more freedom living at other friends houses, doing what I wanted, having a few more relationships of sexual nature, I would grow farther and farther away, I lost my virginity when I was 19, I smoked pot when I was 17, was introduced to mushrooms when I was 17, would proceed to have a 2 year relationship with a girlfriend I would love with and have lots of intimacy with.. due to a selfish nature and mental health, that relationship had failed. By that time I had denied Gods existence for the ‘universe’. I was heartbroken calling out to the universe to lead me to love.
I’m 22, I move to a city up north called Bellingham. I met the most beautiful woman I had ever met, she was one of my roommates, my roommates all smoked marijuana and cigarettes together, eat mushrooms, I would partake in all of these things, I had picked up witchcraft, Yoga, meditation, New Age Occult crap.
I pursue my roommate relentlessly, we became quickly best friends, however I was confused with lust and love, I wanted her, and I would use the Law Of Attraction to ‘strengthen’ our relationship in my life.
The Holy Spirits conviction was very quiet at this point, but I do remember running into my first crush ever back in church, when I was 8, my first love, her name is Anna.. It was so crazy running into her at a training center in Mt. st Helens. I was so confused.. I still really like her, but knew I could never be with her because of my views.. something in my soul knew.. that was God calling me back. In retrospect of course.
I was still so confused when I came back, I wanted to confess to Anna all of the ungodly things I was apart of.. I still had time, I regret this forever.
I came back home and just swept it away, I decided to continue my lust journey after Rachel.
We eventually would start being sexually intimate.. and that’s when I could feel a literal shift in my soul, my heart had become divinely hardened to my desires.. I was no longer the caring, exuberant, generous, kind, loving, selfless person that everyone cane to know. I had become a child of Satan again. I couldn’t feel anything, to this day it feels like a whole in my chest, nothing is there.
Our relationship crumbled, because of my new shift. Depressed, selfish, quite, and lost.
I fled back to Christ in my research in debunking New Age Beliefs.. Christ is Lorde, he is our savior and he is coming soon.. I gave my life to Christ ‘Again’, but it was too late. As I found out about what it says in the book of Hebrews. My heart sank. I cry in repentance but find myself as Easau..
When I read my Bible, I get scared to read Hebrews, the book that speak on the true dangers of loosing your salvation.. I feel spiritually dead, lost, The absence of my true self in Christ.
My new sobering belief in Hell is my new reality.. I am so stressed, depressed, and so scared. I do not do anything.. I watch YouTube videos all day about “once saved, always saved” to make me feel better, but I debate against those that believe you can’t loose your salvation. I am convinced of the rapture coming soon. And I watch videos detailing people’s accounts of their hell visitations.. something I feel is coming soon and the only thing I am destined to..
eternal damnation.
Please Please Please, PRAY FOR ME
I miss my relationship with my king, my savior, and my first love. Please pray that i have not fallen too far from Grace. He is the Lion and the Lamb. Merciful, Graceful, and Just.
“Once saved, always saved” is not true, read Hebrews and hear its warnings.
God bless you all, I love you all, Thank you for reading my story.
Please pray for me, I wished to give my life for my King!!!!
