I'll say this as pertains to her judging what you shared about your sexual abuse, that it isn't sexual abuse at all, is not only callous, but is also dead wrong!
She is no elder when she presumes to invalidate your painful experience with her dismissive, callous, uncharitable, condemning judgement against your true pain and sorrows.
And she treats her own children in like manner? Pray for them.
You miss her dearly? Because abuse and neglect is the norm?
Maybe see if this resonates.
You shared with her your vulnerability. She knows your past and what about it devastated you then and to this day. And leads you to feel vulnerable, insecure, and dependant on the feeling of hope let to be generated in you by the hope you found someone who would understand and save you from all that by opening themselves as a beacon to your hope for rescue.
You gave her power over your emotional and mental health, hope, and security.
And after emptying yourself to her, she knew precisely how to control you.
In her mind, she is absolved of responsibility for that because she warned you from the start. She's gone the moment she learns something negative about you.
Darlin, your trials and tribulations, abuses,are all negatives!
You made yourself vulnerable to a woman that further compounded the abuse you've suffered by taking your pain and working it to induce trust in her, which fed her ego, while she manipulated your emotions to bolster her own messiah complex.
Leading you to think she was there for you, when from the start she told you she really wasn't. Putting condition on her compassion and attention. I.E as soon as she learned anything negative she was gone.
Darlin, she IS the negative.
Now, she's compounded your sense of betrayal, abuse, and abandonment by her turning from you.
She knew your weaknesses and exploited them. Now she's gone. Leaving you to shoulder the assumed burden that lets you to think it was all your doing.
And, this is the truly twisted part of her behavior. She knows that.
Because you've told her in so many words as you emptied your vulnerabilities and tragic abuses to her attentions. By this she knows you carry a victim complex due to all that you've suffered.
And now she has added to that. And she knows this.
She's made things worse, not better. Because that is what she is. She's no savior, no counselor, no true friend. Because she is more broken and burdened than you.
One cannot save someone from drowning when they don't know how to swim, or what it means to toss out a life ring.
You have to let this go to survive what she is and always was.
The illusion you had about her needs to fall away. She's showed you her true self. What you imagined was there never was.
You don't need more baggage to carry.
I read this years ago in a ritual of release in the name of Holy God who is the sacred cleansing fire of righteousness.
See if this helps.
And you of course can utilize this to release all your burdens.
Find a time when you can be alone to yourself. No interuptions. Turn off the TV, the phone. Meditate on the silence and speak to holy spirit God within you in prayer. He's been there every step of the way.
And while it may be easy to retort to that by asking, where was he during all those bad times, remember his presence let you to survive and insured it wasn't worse. Because all things lead us to know and fully trust God forever and always has our backs. People meanwhile, can prove they don't. God never abandons us.
So, with that knowledge of God knowing all you've suffered, pray for his strength and power to take your burdens from you.
Sometimes, a physical act, a ritual, helps because what we've endured and carry as a burden in memory was physical.
So, and I've done this and it is amazingly empowering, while also letting them weights carried fall away as if shrugging off literal weights that felt nailed to my shoulders prior.
Take that quiet place, after your prayers, and stay in that peacr. Before that make sure you have blank pieces of paper and a pen with you.
When you have finished your prayers, as you feel led to unburden your self of those weights that you carry and that cause you to be in pain and vulnerable, start to write them down.
Don't get caught up in worry about spelling, grammer,etc... The point of this exercise, ritual, is to transfer, channel from within you, all that causes you grief now.
You want to bring it all, all, out of you where it is causing harm to you emotionally and mentally, and physically too, and release it onto that paper by way of the pen that channels the memories and pains into a form, words, that you can see, recognize as personal, and release from inside yourself and into the light. As words formed on the page.
Let it all out. And take as long as you need. It doesn't have to all be done in one sitting.
This is also one of the great purposes behind keeping a journal.
Release what would otherwise build inside yourself into a different medium.
Some people do this through art, sculpture.
When you've finished draining your inner suffering onto the pages, don't read over what you've written.
The point is to let that go. If you read what you've written, released, you take it into yourself again. Thereby defeating the exercise,ritual.
Now, burn those pages. Destroy by holy fire the evil that thought to keep you its prisoner by keeping your mind on it , that, those, in your past.
When those pages are ash, blackened pieces that no longer carry your past visible upon them, flush them down the toilet.
Water, cleanses, carries away the past.
Just as baptismal waters washed us clean when we submerged our old self beneath them. And then we ascended into the light shining above those waters and conquered the death that was in and of our former worldly self.
So too does washing those pieces of blackened paper, that ash, down into the waters and away from you and where you live, forever.
And those waters are an apt conveyance for that which is now expelled from your self because it is toxic to your physical,emotional, and spiritual health and we'll being.
You no longer give permission to your past to destroy you, your present, and your future.
Repeat as necessary. This can take days,weeks, months, years. They time frame is personal. Take your time. And this also helps when suffering some new trespass.
Write it,burn it,flush it away and release it from having any power over you, and your God blessed happiness.
((((((Cyber hugs))))))) We are not what has caused us suffering. We are the sum total of what we have overcome. That which we choose to use, not let it use us, that we become stronger and wiser as survivors! NOT victims.
God bless you eternally.
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