Trigger warning: abuse, other themes
Sorry for the long read. I made an account on this forum specifically to ask my fellow Christians for help. I hope none of this comes off as rant-ish, I posted this because I need help with my faith.
My life has always been a mess and for the past ten years my problems have been tampering my faith.
My life has always been dismal. I grew up with an abusive father who I am still stuck with, I have no self worth, I spent my entire life in grinding poverty, I have no hope in having any kind of future and there is nothing I can do to make things better. I am just average looking, I am not smart, I have no charm and I wish God had made me almost anybody else.
I grew up an atheist but converted to Christianity at 16 after surviving an "accident" (not sure if we can discuss those kinds of things here, but you get the idea). Even to this day I have nightmares and flashbacks about being in the hospital and I feel horrified when I think too much about it.
As much as I hated to be prideful, I considered myself to be a great Christian. I wanted to go from country to country preaching the gospel even at risk of my own life. I set aside 30 minutes a day to listen to an audio Bible and 10 minutes for prayer. Then I suffered a series of tragedies...
I had a girlfriend who eventually cheated on me. She made a heart felt apology and said that it meant nothing. We stayed together even though she was expecting. We planned our future together thoroughly. Halfway through she suffered a miscarriage and we broke up a few months later as we grew cold with each other. As odd as it sounds the children who weren't even mine are what anchors me to Christianity, knowing that I will be able to meet them someday.
I left Christianity for the first of many times almost ten years ago. To keep a long story short my family lost a legal battle against a church group that was responsible for our dog's death. I lost my faith in God and converted to Hinduism.
Years later I came back to Christ despite still being unsure and angry about the lawsuit. I have a controlling father who can be abusive at times. A few years ago he tried throwing my brother out of the house just for getting a job. We fled to my grandparents' for a few days until we thought he cooled down. He didn't. He became abusive towards my mother for no reason and began threatening her with everything from financial terrorism to murder. He was even abusive to my brother sometimes and eventually ended up taking all the money he had earned.
I got my first job shortly after and promised to free my family from the abuse. I only worked a month after a knee injury forced me to quit as I did not earn enough time off to heal. I haven't been able to work since and me and my family are still stuck with an abuser. He made it known he will not take us getting work lightly anyway so if I found something it would have to be something I can live on, but there isn't anything around here that pays good.
I used to be the owner of a thriving message board but it got shut down when someone who was banned for bad behavior complained and made false accusations about us to our webmaster. Really, that board was all I had and I felt like I have nothing now. I was also bullied by a rival board leader who get away with it because he was a work friend of the webmaster. I made a close friend on my board but lost contact with her and I miss her every day.
I am frustrated by being single. I wonder why God didn't make me gorgeous or charismatic. Why did he make me just average looking and dull? I see these hot movie stars and people fawning over them and wonder why I am not good enough.
There is something else that bothers me but I won't mention it as it seems marginal. All the same it makes me bitter.
I find myself doubting God and sometimes I foolishly blame HIM for allowing my problems to happen. Sometimes I genuinely think HE hates me and that HE makes bad things happen to me out of spite. No matter how hard I try to remain a Christian, my problems usually cloud my mind and I feel angry at God. I don't even pray anymore as I don't think God cares about me and I only sometimes acknowledge the Bible. I have my moments of feeling religious but they usually fade within an hour.
Will I ever get my faith back? Is it even possible at this point? Is there a way I can try to keep my faith?
Thanks for your patience in reading this long post and thank you all in advance for the help.