Fire-7, I was pretty happy when this thread hadn't really gone into the homosexuality discussion, so I want to totally put that aside. This post is not intended to be combative and so please don't take the tone that way if I mess up and don't convey what I am trying to say correctly. I'm speaking to you in the manner that I'd speak to any of my friends.
I think you've got to analyze (that sounds so statistical, right?) what you want out of a relationship. It sounds like you are very much confused about that.
See us guys have a lot on our plates. Society wants to portray the world as a men-dominated culture - which is partially true in some respects - but just like the ladies, we've had this hyper-masculine-muscular-provider-fix-everything-role to live. People don't connect much anymore, and that means some difficult changes for us in a world that demands that role. See the thing is, we have these phone conversations, forum conversations, Facebook conversations, etc. We just never really connect with them. I mean you can talk to the person without having the benefit of facial language, body language, and even the exact tone of his or her voice. Sometimes that lets us pretend things.
With you showing up here - specifically here - and then explaining a relationship like this, I think you are in the very least deeply conflicted about how you feel. I think your interpretation of your feelings is based on confusion. I won't play Dr. Phil or some Psychiatrist, but you probably know what I am saying better than I do right here. See the thing is - and this goes for heterosexual or any relationship - what you get out of a relationship is ultimately based on the other person. Our natural desire is self-absorption. This goes back to Satan himself who wanted God's throne. This continues on through Adam and Eve who both wanted the knowledge.
The Christian key, is that we die to self. We live for Jesus. It means putting aside desires, whatever they may be.
But back to relationships. I got pretty ticked at my wife the other night. It culminated in me dropping a bowl I used into a pot in the sink to wash and chipping the bowl. She picked out our stuff, and is very happy with it because it's our stuff. The bowls chip like crazy, but that's not relevant because my behavior placed the bowl in an opportunity where I could chip it. If I had focused on my wife, instead of myself and my misery, that silly little incident would never have happened. I use this illustration because it's a simple part of life. Relationships make us better, but not when we are focused on what there is for us to get out of them. Just by being and shifting the focus do they [relationships] improve us.
You seem to have initially gravitated to this guy because of his personality. He was someone you immediately could relate to. That, my friend, is the mark of a Christian. You want to talk to them. It's funny, but the first two statements about this guy are that you admire (1) his seriousness about Christianity and (2) his maturity. Let me just say I think you're starving for both those things.
It's when you add to them that your confusion arises. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having good friends, and being able to share things with them. I think some "intimacy" as far as sharing and hanging out is lost in the modern world between guys. We have those expectations not to be "gay" but to be manly and not show/share our issues, struggles, and problems. This is where you did connect to him, but maybe not in the way you think.
To close this long post of mine out, you placed this dude in a relationship uncomfortable to him to make you happy. Hate to tell you, but that ain't love. It doesn't matter if it's hetero, homo, amongst friends, or whatever. That is what the verses posted by Angelina mean, you frankly have to cut that stuff off and stop looking for the rewards of a relationship to be focused on you. You're not toxic. You seem at least reasonably interesting to talk to for people here. You also seem - and this is important as a first step - willing to introspect. That's the beginnings of Christianity. We sorta have to come to the realization that no person, program, friend, book, movie, etc is going to help us.
The next step is cutting the excess off. In the Bible it's labeled as being dead to self, or the old self dying. Don't kid yourself that you're alone in that struggle. Each person struggles with that. You can see the double-mindedness of Paul, for example. Now that was a faithful dude willing to endure so much because he loved Jesus and people. He could whip all of us here combined in his knowledge of Scripture.
Jesus makes this remark:
Subsequently, the Apostles with him feel asleep, because that was their temptation at the time. So you see how good they were at it. Jesus had just said (many times) - hey guys, I'm about to be arrested, be crucified, die, and then come back, so pay attention because it's the reason you'll get to heaven. A little later, zzzzzz is all that's heard from them. We struggle with materialism, homosexuality, hetereosexuality (IE: adultery), and many more crazy things (hunger, poverty, etc.) and these guys couldn't just stay awake! Such is the nature of these skin and bones bodies.
I know that was really long, but I pray that you get the message out of it that I think God is trying to give you! He never runs away or lets his anger overtake his love.
