Jokes

[St. SteVen]

I just found out today that Jesus was an artist,

The woman at the well noticed that he had nothing to draw with.

He must have forgotten to bring his pencils.

 

[BlessedPeace]

One day, a police officer pulls a car over and sees the backseat is full of penguins. The officer tells the driver, “You can’t be doing this, you need to take these penguins to the zoo!”

The next day, the police officer pulls the same car over again, and says, “Hey! I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” The driver says, “I did, and today I’m taking them to the movies!”

 

[BlessedPeace]

Any day of the week is good.

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it’s spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”

The other cow replied, “Heck, I ain’t worried, it won’t affect us ducks.”

 

[Debp]

---

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.

"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Bible," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied.

"But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.

"And how will you buy her an engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God.


----------------------------------------
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep, unlike the screaming passengers in his car.

 

[Taken]

After being married for 30 years, a wife
asked her husband to describe her,
He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ...
.. A, B, C, D,
E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ....
"What the heck does that
mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous
and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh,
that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 

[Taken]

Son ~
Hey dad, I got a part in my school play. I’ll be playing a husband who has been married for 25 years.

Dad ~
That’s nice. Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.

Giggle.

 

[BlessedPeace]

After being married for 30 years, a wife
asked her husband to describe her,
He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ...
.. A, B, C, D,
E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ....
"What the heck does that
mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute,
Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous
and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh,
that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

May he rest in peace.

 

[Taken]

Wife: Can you stop yawning when i'm
talking to you?

Husband : I'm not yawning, I'm trying
to say something!

 

[Taken]

Husband: "Why do you keep buying
plants when you just end up killing
them?"

Wife: "Just to remind you what
I'm capable of.

 

[Taken]

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead,
she's at the ER now. her face all swollen and
bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee
with my shovel!

 

[Taken]

My kids say they want a cat for
Christmas.

Normally I do a turkey but hey, if
it'll make 'em happy….

 

[BlessedPeace]

Ex-Wife:
I’m an excellent housekeeper.
Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.



Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.


Her: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
Him: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
Her: “True but I do.”


Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.


Only after getting married, you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.

 

[Taken]

When a woman
says “What?" it's not because
she didn't hear you.
She's giving you a chance to change
what you said.

 

[Taken]

A pastor giving a children's
sermon on vestments asked:
"Why do you think I wear this
collar?"

One kid answered:
"Because it kills ticks and fleas
up to 30 days?"

LOL

 

[Taken]

Saying "have a nice day"
to someone sounds friendly

But saying "enjoy your next
24 hours" sounds threatening.

 

[Taken]

SO NOW COCAINE IS LEGAL IN OREGON. BUT STRAWS AREN'T.
THAT MUST BE FRUSTRATING.

Yes, Oregon has some funky laws about straws…from one use straws to not offered with drinks in restaurants…lol

 

[Taken]

A woman with a salad walked past me in the restaurant and said you know a cow died so you could eat that beef burger.

I said if you weren't eating the cows food it might it might have lived.

 

[Taken]

Phrases are interesting…

Still trying to get my head around the fact
that "Take Out” can mean food, dating or murder.

 

[Taken]

Numbers can be interesting…

Has anyone noticed the LAST DAY of 2023
IS…. 123123..?

 

[Jay Ross]

Numbers can be interesting…

Has anyone noticed the LAST DAY of 2023
IS…. 123123..?

How about (20)23-12-31. This makes more sense that the American way/tradition.

Computers converts years months and days into a single number for each day. It is much easier to sort by. The problem is the required algorithm to present it so that people can understand what the number means. There is a common algorithm for the world and a special for the American because they like to be different.