Need some help changing my perspective on men.

[DuckieLady]

I don't know where else to put this. I am struggling internally with problems revolving around older men. I used to prefer older men, but after some "events" in my life I'm starting to think that they all get very angry at some point and end up dangerous.

Regardless of whether or not I was with someone older or closer to my age, aging is inevitable and I would eventually have to deal with them being that age anyway at some point and then I have a fear that they will turn on me and just be angry constantly.

This has caused me to live in an emotional cocoon, closing myself off from the idea, and having a fear of relationships.

I know that this is a little bit unrealistic and probably my brain exaggerating, but I don't have a lot of experience with Christian men and the ones I have had weren't the best example. So I can't really tell the difference too much between the believers and non-believers, even though they always make it sound like you'll be totally safe *as long as* he is a believer.

Can anyone change my mind?

 

[Pearl]

This has caused me to live in an emotional cocoon, closing myself off from the idea, and having a fear of relationships.

That seems to be a very sad way of looking at relationships with men and I feel deeply for you Fluffy. Men can be nasty, even those who call themselves Christians as we can see from some of them on this site.

The last thing you need to do just now is to be looking for a man. Trust your hopes to God and wait until he leads you into a relationship with the man he has chosen for you. Do not try to manipulate things in any way but just rest easy - with God's help - and wait.

If you feel like discussing this with some privacy then message me. I will hold you in prayer.

 

[farouk]

I don't know where else to put this. I am struggling internally with problems revolving around older men. I used to prefer older men, but after some "events" in my life I'm starting to think that they all get very angry at some point and end up dangerous.

Regardless of whether or not I was with someone older or closer to my age, aging is inevitable and I would eventually have to deal with them being that age anyway at some point and then I have a fear that they will turn on me and just be angry constantly.

This has caused me to live in an emotional cocoon, closing myself off from the idea, and having a fear of relationships.

I know that this is a little bit unrealistic and probably my brain exaggerating, but I don't have a lot of experience with Christian men and the ones I have had weren't the best example. So I can't really tell the difference too much between the believers and non-believers, even though they always make it sound like you'll be totally safe *as long as* he is a believer.

Can anyone change my mind?

@FluffyYellowDuck I think there are two very distinct areas which impinge on some of your comments.

Firstly, you may have the idea of remarriage obliquely in mind, and the very widely - earnestly or flippantly - discussed Scriptural issues around it; and the age of someone in theory in view, maybe.

Secondly, the maturity of elders and preachers, supported by their wives, as they help, guide and encourage younger believers within a local church functioning Scripturally.

Someone has said, the best of men are only men at best. We are all fallible (and in this is seen the Scriptural advantage of a plurality of pastors and teachers). Every man (and woman, indeed) has his own - benign, we hope - sack of rocks in tow: which goes back to what Edmund Burke called 'the late, ripe fruit of mere experience'.

 

[DuckieLady]

The last thing you need to do just now is to be looking for a man. Trust your hopes to God and wait until he leads you into a relationship with the man he has chosen for you. Do not try to manipulate things in any way but just rest easy - with God's help - and wait.

Thank you Pearl and farouk! This is true. I am not looking right now and part of the reason for that is I have made bad choices and God's best is the best. I'm just getting nervous because I'm getting older, I think. I don't want to grow old alone like the other women in my family, but also if I have to be, I guess that's fine, and I'll need to make that work.

God is taking a really long time

 

[UnrulyBeauty]

I don't know where else to put this. I am struggling internally with problems revolving around older men. I used to prefer older men, but after some "events" in my life I'm starting to think that they all get very angry at some point and end up dangerous.

Regardless of whether or not I was with someone older or closer to my age, aging is inevitable and I would eventually have to deal with them being that age anyway at some point and then I have a fear that they will turn on me and just be angry constantly.

This has caused me to live in an emotional cocoon, closing myself off from the idea, and having a fear of relationships.

I know that this is a little bit unrealistic and probably my brain exaggerating, but I don't have a lot of experience with Christian men and the ones I have had weren't the best example. So I can't really tell the difference too much between the believers and non-believers, even though they always make it sound like you'll be totally safe *as long as* he is a believer.

Can anyone change my mind?

I'm not sure if strangers on the internet are going to be able to influence your thinking at all. Such impressions of people and relationships and behavior are often very deeply ingrained through our personal experiences, and take a lot of conscious work to change.

I would encourage you to maybe see if you can find some good older couples within your church community, to get to know.

 

[Enoch111]

Can anyone change my mind?

1. You need to assess each individual on their own merits. Not lump "older men" together and "younger men" together.

2. You need to try and build relationships with only those who profess Christ. And some do make false professions.

3. You need to understand that even among believers there are spiritually immature "older men" and spiritually mature "younger men".

4. Above all you need to know yourself. Are you a genuine believer? Are you a mature Christian or an immature one?

5. If immature are you prepared to be discipled by an elder or pastor in your church whom you respect and who is a consistent Christian?

Hope this helps.

 

[Cinnamon4]

I don't know where else to put this. I am struggling internally with problems revolving around older men. I used to prefer older men, but after some "events" in my life I'm starting to think that they all get very angry at some point and end up dangerous.

Regardless of whether or not I was with someone older or closer to my age, aging is inevitable and I would eventually have to deal with them being that age anyway at some point and then I have a fear that they will turn on me and just be angry constantly.

This has caused me to live in an emotional cocoon, closing myself off from the idea, and having a fear of relationships.

I know that this is a little bit unrealistic and probably my brain exaggerating, but I don't have a lot of experience with Christian men and the ones I have had weren't the best example. So I can't really tell the difference too much between the believers and non-believers, even though they always make it sound like you'll be totally safe *as long as* he is a believer.

Can anyone change my mind?

Change your mind about what exactly

 

[farouk]

Such impressions of people and relationships and behavior are often very deeply ingrained through our personal experiences, and take a lot of conscious work to change.

@UnrulyBeauty It is indeed certainly true that thinking does mature over the decades.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I don't know where else to put this. I am struggling internally with problems revolving around older men. I used to prefer older men, but after some "events" in my life I'm starting to think that they all get very angry at some point and end up dangerous.

Regardless of whether or not I was with someone older or closer to my age, aging is inevitable and I would eventually have to deal with them being that age anyway at some point and then I have a fear that they will turn on me and just be angry constantly.

This has caused me to live in an emotional cocoon, closing myself off from the idea, and having a fear of relationships.

I know that this is a little bit unrealistic and probably my brain exaggerating, but I don't have a lot of experience with Christian men and the ones I have had weren't the best example. So I can't really tell the difference too much between the believers and non-believers, even though they always make it sound like you'll be totally safe *as long as* he is a believer.

Can anyone change my mind?

Well, I found the question so interesting that I went looking for some evidence, and there appears to be some:
7 Things You Don’t Know About The Irritable Male Syndrome That Could Be Undermining Your Relationship

Fluffy, I have to confess something here, so maybe (hopefully) I can be some help. I noticed by the age of 40 that I had changed temperamentally. I quite honestly became a somewhat dangerous individual; sometimes unquestionably dangerous, depending on my mood, and/or how much caffeine I was consuming. I remember thinking, "Why am I like this now?" I chalked most of it up to the caffeine, but at this point I do not believe that is the only reason. I think I may be a classic example of what the article is talking about.

That having been said, I actually have a very good heart. By the grace of God, I am married to a strong woman, so she can handle my moods. She also learned a long time ago when it is time to leave me be, and also when it is time to head for the bedroom and close the door, LoL. I would NEVER harm my wife or lay a finger on her, but that is not always the greatest comfort because my temper is very seriously something to be reckoned with.

That having been said, I don't think all Christian men are like me, so if having to live with a man who has a strong temper and would sometimes need some space is not an option for you, pray for a man who is not that way. I believe the Lord can make a way for all people, and that would certainly include you.

I'm so sorry to have to confess these things. I wish they weren't so. But I confess these things to tell you that it is not your imagination, but even when you are dealing with such a man, it doesn't mean they are beyond hope for having loving relationships and marriages. It just means there are only certain women capable of handling them, and if you are not, it is something you would have to pray the Lord allows you to avoid.

God bless,
Hidden

 

[JohnDB]

I don't know where else to put this. I am struggling internally with problems revolving around older men. I used to prefer older men, but after some "events" in my life I'm starting to think that they all get very angry at some point and end up dangerous.

Regardless of whether or not I was with someone older or closer to my age, aging is inevitable and I would eventually have to deal with them being that age anyway at some point and then I have a fear that they will turn on me and just be angry constantly.

This has caused me to live in an emotional cocoon, closing myself off from the idea, and having a fear of relationships.

I know that this is a little bit unrealistic and probably my brain exaggerating, but I don't have a lot of experience with Christian men and the ones I have had weren't the best example. So I can't really tell the difference too much between the believers and non-believers, even though they always make it sound like you'll be totally safe *as long as* he is a believer.

Can anyone change my mind?

Nope...
Only you can do that.

 

[Prayer Warrior]

I don't know where else to put this. I am struggling internally with problems revolving around older men. I used to prefer older men, but after some "events" in my life I'm starting to think that they all get very angry at some point and end up dangerous.

Regardless of whether or not I was with someone older or closer to my age, aging is inevitable and I would eventually have to deal with them being that age anyway at some point and then I have a fear that they will turn on me and just be angry constantly.

This has caused me to live in an emotional cocoon, closing myself off from the idea, and having a fear of relationships.

I know that this is a little bit unrealistic and probably my brain exaggerating, but I don't have a lot of experience with Christian men and the ones I have had weren't the best example. So I can't really tell the difference too much between the believers and non-believers, even though they always make it sound like you'll be totally safe *as long as* he is a believer.

Can anyone change my mind?

One thing I’ve learned is that physical involvement results in attachments that make it difficult to think straight.... God knew what He was doing when He created sex for the committed marriage relationship.

I wholeheartedly agree with Pearl’s advice to seek God and let Him bring the man He has for you at the right time. This is not to say that this guy will be perfect. There are no perfect men—only a man that is perfect for you. Of course, we know that women ARE perfect!

 

[Hidden In Him]

Of course, we know that women ARE perfect!

Yes. And this helps greatly. It's an immense encouragement for us men to know that we are the only problem, LoL.

 

[Prayer Warrior]

Yes. And this helps greatly. It's an immense encouragement for us men to know that we are the only problem, LoL.

Well, I wouldn’t put it quite THAT brutally, but if the shoe fits....

 

[Addy]

I'm so sorry to have to confess these things. I wish they weren't so. But I confess these things to tell you that it is not your imagination, but even when you are dealing with such a man, it doesn't mean they are beyond hope for having loving relationships and marriages. It just means there are only certain women capable of handling them, and if you are not, it is something you would have to pray the Lord allows you to avoid.

I only took part of your post... but I wanted to tell you that your words have touched my heart deeply... It is posts like this that make staying here in this dog eat dog world of forums worth it... Humility is something so deeply lacking these days... It is a most beautiful quality to have and reflects someone who is deeply in love with the Lord.... God Bless you.

 

[Hidden In Him]

I only took part of your post... but I wanted to tell you that your words have touched my heart deeply... It is posts like this that make staying here in this dog eat dog world of forums worth it... Humility is something so deeply lacking these days... It is a most beautiful quality to have and reflects someone who is deeply in love with the Lord.... God Bless you.

I love humility in people. I agree it's one of the things that makes them beautiful, and in God's eyes as well in man's.

That's maybe the one good thing about being born with flaws. If it causes us to more readily admit we need work, we're more willing to turn to God, and ask that He do a work in us, both for our own sakes and for others.

That was wonderful post, and thank you for writing it : )

 

[DuckieLady]

lol it sounds like you guys just said i was right. well! please pray Gods best doesn't have anger issues. in the meantime, i will focus on working towards plan b (being alone) because i wasted so much time waiting on plan a.

 

[TLHKAJ]

Well, I found the question so interesting that I went looking for some evidence, and there appears to be some:
7 Things You Don’t Know About The Irritable Male Syndrome That Could Be Undermining Your Relationship

Fluffy, I have to confess something here, so maybe (hopefully) I can be some help. I noticed by the age of 40 that I had changed temperamentally. I quite honestly became a somewhat dangerous individual; sometimes unquestionably dangerous, depending on my mood, and/or how much caffeine I was consuming. I remember thinking, "Why am I like this now?" I chalked most of it up to the caffeine, but at this point I do not believe that is the only reason. I think I may be a classic example of what the article is talking about.

That having been said, I actually have a very good heart. By the grace of God, I am married to a strong woman, so she can handle my moods. She also learned a long time ago when it is time to leave me be, and also when it is time to head for the bedroom and close the door, LoL. I would NEVER harm my wife or lay a finger on her, but that is not always the greatest comfort because my temper is very seriously something to be reckoned with.

That having been said, I don't think all Christian men are like me, so if having to live with a man who has a strong temper and would sometimes need some space is not an option for you, pray for a man who is not that way. I believe the Lord can make a way for all people, and that would certainly include you.

I'm so sorry to have to confess these things. I wish they weren't so. But I confess these things to tell you that it is not your imagination, but even when you are dealing with such a man, it doesn't mean they are beyond hope for having loving relationships and marriages. It just means there are only certain women capable of handling them, and if you are not, it is something you would have to pray the Lord allows you to avoid.

God bless,
Hidden

It takes a lot of honesty to admit this, brother.

For someone who was subjected to a tumultuous childhood, being in a relationship with an easily angered man who is loud or raises his voice, or gives short snarky replies ... could be very triggering. Idk if that's some of what our sister deals with, but I have some experience there. It takes a lot of healing and learning how to separate a man's actions from one's self ...in other words, it's his mess, not mine ...and maybe I can be assertive in some situations, and offer grace in others ....but it's "not mine." So then I have to back off, let him sulk and fume by himself ...pray for him, ask God for wisdom on how to help him .....either gently or assertively with words ...or no words at all. (Yes, this is my marriage experience ...not just as he was "older." But he is 6 yrs older than me. That's not a huge difference.)

 

[TLHKAJ]

lol it sounds like you guys just said i was right. well! please pray Gods best doesn't have anger issues. in the meantime, i will focus on working towards plan b (being alone) because i wasted so much time waiting on plan a.

This is probably the best plan, sis... you will know if God sends the right man. It's difficult when every single experience seems to confirm that men are angry tyrant control freaks. But I have met one who is different. I'm not married to him (lol), but at least I know that "different" does exist ...even if rare. (And even he has his issues ....haha! But we all do. )

 

[DuckieLady]

lol it sounds like you guys just said i was right. well! please pray Gods best doesn't have anger issues. in the meantime, i will focus on working towards plan b (being alone) because i wasted so much time waiting on plan a.

i would like to add doesn't use social media. i know that's a stretch but i quit mostly to protect my future marriage or whatever and i expect someone to care just as much. causes so many problems

 

[Jay Ross]

In the art world, to change your perspective, you need to move to a new position from which to observe and paint your picture of what you see.

What governs your perspective of what you see is the perspective you already have in your mind.