i been repenting for years already.
also, you say total depravity and unconditional election dont apply or matter to you… they do, just in case you didnt know. Just saying.
If you have no assurance of salvation, your repentance is problematic. We've talked about this before. Your extreme application of Calvinism and your dissatisfaction with your own progress in sanctification have you doubting that you might be one of the elect if I am remembering your testimony correctly.
Regarding my own case, I categorically reject the theory that Calvinism and Arminianism constitute the only options for the application of salvation. You can troll and rant and rave all you want. My mind and heart's function and activity are in no way dictated by the narrow and vain imaginings of yourself and your colleagues (who don't even offer you any hope in the discussions you all have). Your non-experienced can of soteriology is of no use to me. I have Jesus. I know He loves me and has chosen me as His own before the foundation of the world. Not because I am worthy, but because He has promised to author and finish the good work He has begun in me.
Christ is yours, as well. The Father has given Him to the human race. You have read all of the verses in the Bible that say this. Do not do injury to your own soul by denying them. It is not the will of God that any should perish, but that all should come to the very repentance He provides, and lay hold on the faith, a measure of which has been given to every man. A surface reading of Romans 9 and other similar passages to fashion a god who is arbitrary, tyrannical, and monstrous is not "good theology." It is wresting Scripture to one's own destruction. The extreme Calvinists who have assurance are often people who are genetically and environmentally conditioned to appear and behave externally sanctified. Personalities do not indicate election. Sometimes they portray only a tidy self-righteousness.
You claim, as I recall, that you are not bearing fruits meet for repentance. You can beg God for true repentance until you are blue in the face, but if you do not exercise the heavenly-supplied faith that God receives you even as He puts His most precious ring on your finger and places His finest garment on your shoulders and kills the fatted calf and calls everyone to the feast in honor of your recovery from the hog pen, He
cannot save you. Wait no longer. Grieve not the Spirit. Only believe. Only believe.
Have faith in the Word of God to accomplish that which it, and it only, says it will do by virtue of the creative power that resides within itself, and itself only. Meditate upon the theme of this last sentence and you will thus cultivate the faith that is the victory that overcomes the world.
So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)