I feel very very sorry for you. I've been in the reverse situation to you, was indoctrinated early on, was "born again", spent years with the churches, various denominations, played in the church band and so on. All seemed right and real at the time but of course I was younger and more impressionable and easily duped. Hadn't learned to think critically and face the harsh truths of life. I later managed to escape the programming, had the humility and courage to challenge what I had been taught, learned to think for myself, learned some of the secrets hidden in the Bible which indicated that the Church is deceiving people about its meaning/interpretation and I began a new spiritual journey in new directions unshackled and unblinkered from Christian dogma and doctrine. I see you're trapped in the same way I was. Only by casting off pride and piousness can you start to see the truth and escape the spell.