Thank you for understanding and not judging.
I do understand because I’ve been there. And I can’t judge you because, if I have no hope in a person can have a change of heart then I myself have no hope. This might be too blunt …but the argument here seems to be: any one in the right mind would not allow the OP around children after what they shared. Maybe I’m assuming wrong but I can see the eye rolls along with “yea you guys who feel sorry for them. You know you would not trust your children around them.” First of all…I haven’t heard you expecting people to let you take their children for ice cream. To me that is a pointless argument being overstated to justify the rejection. What I HAVE heard you say is you’re waiting for the Mercy and Grace Forgiveness the church says is what they have been shown and given of God.
If people knew my past …they would say I have no right as a female to lead any youth group. Based off my history as a parent, I wouldn’t let me near children either. But I’m not asking to lead a youth group.
I see things differently about sharing with others what you are now ashamed of. It makes me think of being afraid of what men will do. Will they cast you out? Too Fearful to share because of rejection. I truly mean it when I say your openness and transparency to me is exactly what He calls you to do. Even in the face of rejection or being cast out by men.
My title was exactly how I felt.
It’s an awesome title! The title does exactly what you said you hoped. It relays perfectly how you feel. I could hear it. The pain. I had never heard it said that way, so it also helps others(it helped me). I could relate having felt exactly the same…but I referred to it as being human repellent. That was one of my prayers in the beginning of going to God and asking him “why am I human repellent? That is what I feel like God…like human repellent” before people buck up and say that is complaining of others. That is not how I mean it but I had to ask what I was doing that repelled others. So to me your title is authentic and truthful and raw…and exposing.
I posted, not just for myself, but hopefully to get people to be a bit more introspective regarding how they view others. “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” Brennan Manning sums up my fears for other “newbies” in faith. I do not base my walk on the views of others, but hope that by sharing my experience things may change.
Your OP has helped me. After reading your OP yesterday it caused me to think a lot about that one thief on the cross with Jesus Christ. When the one thief said to the other one …we have a cause to be here. But this man is here and has done nothing wrong. He is hated without a cause.
I’m like you …I can pinpoint things that are a cause for my rejection. But I couldn’t stop thinking yesterday about how his rejection was without a cause. I take that to mean He couldn’t pinpoint a cause and they couldn’t pinpoint a cause for His suffering. They couldn’t say “he watched kiddie porn”, they couldn’t say “he neglected one child and pimped the other out like a Barbie doll as if children are nothing more than a piece of meat or an object of desire” …this fellow is here with us, without a cause. The only cause I can find for why He was there with them was for the sake of the deliverance from death.
I have felt that same question you have asked. After telling others you’ve had a change of heart and confessing openly the ugly you’ve entertained…why then am I still rejected? I thought things would be different??? I’ve experienced it too. My family, friends, even my own children all seemed to have forgiven me for my past. But those things (the past) still comes up. I’m always like “I know. I agree.” When those things are brought up again and I’m reminded again of them. “I know. I agree.” I’m not being sarcastic when I agree but those things make me sick to my stomach now and I’m ashamed of them.
My girls trust me always to babysit and watch the grandchildren but being very remindful of my past …my daughters don’t ask for parenting advice from me. I’ve been disqualified from giving parenting advice because I sucked as a parent. I’m a walking billboard for what not to do. That does bother me (not for the sake of complaining) but because it hurts but all I can do is agree and say “I know. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. Don’t do as I did. Learn from my mistakes.” …sorry this is so long but I want you to know that I’m not just blowing smoke up your rear- end. I don’t know how to put it into words but I do believe your suffering has changed. When you kept those things hidden and participated in them, you suffered for doing wrong. But now your suffering is different yes? You are rejected for being honest for maybe the first time in your life. You are rejected for doing what is right (Imo). You are suffering rejection for confessing your faults. It’s a different rejection (Imo). People covering their ears and humming over your words of confession “don’t confess to us those things. you’ll be rejected.” Im not trying to teach you but thinking of my own feelings. I would rather face rejection of men for doing as I believe God has called us to do which to walk in truth. Than to face rejection of God by living in darkness and secrets and trying to cover up and bury the truth that eats away at my insides.