I sat under one such "pastor" of a non-denominational Christian "old time Pentecostal" church for 13 years after I was married.
Once I began to work through the trauma (at God's leading/no therapist or counselor in the picture) ....God began to open up my past and led me to awareness that my pastor was actually one of my handlers even going back to my childhood. I thought I had only met him at age 20/21 when at a church with my husband. But I couldn't shake the feeling of "yuck", intimidation, and trepidation I had around him. And a couple of years later, when my husband moved me across states to be part of his church/community, it was much worse. It triggered memories of this man and his son at military bases with me as a child. I pushed those flashes of memory away and told myself they were lies, but they kept coming. It made no sense to me until I finally gave in to God's prompting to journal my past going back as far as I could remember, and just write. That opened things up and the memories started to flood back... of the whole network involving people in elite political and religious positions.
Anyway ...being in that religious community where over 95% of the members lived on church (pastor's) property ...it was oppression. You always had this feeling that if you didn't obey, didn't believe and go along with everything he said or preached, or if you visited a different church, or went on a vacation or a trip to see family without informing him or getting his approval ....you were sinning ...because he was a "prophet" ... "God's apostle" ..."an apostle to the apostles" with special "angels" to do his bidding. God might strike you dead if you even spoke of something you disagreed with ....like the secret monthly meetings that only males from 13 and up could attend ....or teaching that you have to break a child's spirit from the time they're born so they don't rule you. So it was praised when a mother or father taught their infants not to even whimper in a 3 hour church service ...by pinching them when they cried or whimpered and carrying them out to spank them (even if it left bruises). Mind you, pinching and spanking infants as young as 2 or 3 months old was praised. I didn't do that, because I valued my God-given role as a mother to answer the cries of my babies like God does for His children.
Because of my "failure" in that area, I was looked down on. I was a bad mother. But it was all part of the cult tactics, dynamics, and manipulation to keep me in a state of always feeling like I couldn't measure up and be good enough. When my memories began to open up, I began to be openly (yet covertly) threatened... they'd let me know they knew what I was doing, who I talked to, that I was disapproved of by them and by "God" ...and I was followed, harassed in person and online, physically hurt. And my husband received a threat from the pulpit ... "Brother **** is afraid that he will come home from work one day to find his family has burned up in a house fire." I looked at my husband questioningly, knowing this was a threat. He said he'd never voiced anything of the sort. But ...the local fire department was started by our pastor and most of the "volunteers" were church members.
When I finally was able to leave the church ... although we still lived within a mile of the compound .... Mother's Day of 2007 ...it got worse, my husband became an angry and fearful person ...and on Mother's Day of 2009, my children and I were abducted, drugged, and s.xually assaulted/tortured inside our barn while my husband was away at work (yes, on Mother's Day).
My husband also was accessed and threatened. He came home in a state of mind that had him nearly incoherent. He couldn't remember where he'd been for 2 hours after he got off work.
After the assaults in the barn, our barn was arsoned ....of course. And guess who showed up to fight the fire (gloat)?
Anyway ....I know all too well how the cult lifts up their leader/s and you can't challenge them bc if you do "god" will get you.
