Clean Jokes Thread

[Matthias]

 

[Debp]

@Matthias My touch screen seems to be working ok now after being wonky for a week... maybe it was the humidity and heat affecting it. Or did you pray for my tablet?

 

[Matthias]

 

[Matthias]

 

[RLT63]

My wife hates the rain, it was pouring with heavy rain yesterday. My wife just stood there looking through the window with a very sad expression on her face.... Don't worry though, I let her back in eventually.

My doctor asked me to provide a stool sample, so I've enrolled on a basic woodworking course.

The scariest thing that I've ever done is skydiving.
I got into the aircraft and they strapped me to somebody.
Out we jumped and halfway down he said "So, how long have you been an instructor?"

My doctor asked for a stool sample, a blood sample and a urine specimen. I gave him my underwear

 

[RLT63]

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that robbed a bank? The Newspaper said “Small Medium At Large”

 

[RLT63]

I put instant coffee in the microwave and I almost went back in time

 

[RLT63]

Two men who went fishing were in a boat that was sinking and neither could swim. They had done everything they could when one suggested that they pray. The other said he didn’t know how to pray, The first said “ Leave it to me. I’ve lived next door to a Catholic Church all my life………under the B, 24, under the N, 17…….”

 

[Mancunian]

Impotence. I've thought about it long and hard.

 

[Matthias]

 

[Matthias]

 

[Mancunian]

I would tell you all a joke about losing my watch, but I don't have the time.

 

[Mancunian]

Where were Julius Caesars armies?
Up his sleevies.

 

[Mancunian]

I went into the pet store and asked for a bumblebee. The man behind the counter informed me that they didn't sell bumblebee's.
I asked him why they had one in the front window.

 

[Mancunian]

My mother in-law never stops moaning. I remember taking her with us to Cornwall for a holiday, moan moan moan all the way there, she even moaned when I let her out of the trunk.

 

[Mancunian]

A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer.
The barman says "we have a whiskey named after you" the horse says "What, Neddy"?

 

[Bob]

Husband: Wow: the Bible tells us men will precede women into heaven!
Wife: Oh, and where does it say that?
Husband: Revelation 8: 1 When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.

 

[Matthias]

 

[Mancunian]

Jesus walks into a restaurant and asks for a table for 26 people, the waiter says "but there's only 13 of you".
Jesus replies "We are all going to sit on the same side".

 

[Matthias]