Grief

[Hope in God]

Several friends have experienced, within the recent past, the loss of loved ones, including fathers, mothers, offspring, relatives and friends. There's a lot of grieving going on.

"I could have done something to stop it. I should have done something. I should have seen it coming," is a common mental and emotional attack, but death comes when God determines and coming to grips with that truth can be difficult.

For many years, I worked as a crisis counselor for a Christian ministry, manning a phone at nights, at all hours. Weeks of classes, twice attended, taught me a counseling technique called "active listening," which is merely the mirroring of statements spoken by the caller, and leading the conversation to their feelings. From there, I would ask what they've done about their feelings of hatred, their depression, their heartache, etc.

Lots of grieving parents exist today. A couple Scriptures I would often tell callers were the words written in Job, the Old Testament guy who lost his animals, the servants that were with the animals, as well as all of Job's sons and daughters while they were eating together. Talk about grief!

Job 42:10, "And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." Praying for others, while we are desiring comfort, is a godly response to loss.

Remember when God took David's son from him, the one conceived in adultry? What did David do when he heard his son was dead? 2 Samuel 12:21, ".....David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead.

"Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the Lord, and worshipped..."

 

[Nancy]

Several friends have experienced, within the recent past, the loss of loved ones, including fathers, mothers, offspring, relatives and friends. There's a lot of grieving going on.

"I could have done something to stop it. I should have done something. I should have seen it coming," is a common mental and emotional attack, but death comes when God determines and coming to grips with that truth can be difficult.

For many years, I worked as a crisis counselor for a Christian ministry, manning a phone at nights, at all hours. Weeks of classes, twice attended, taught me a counseling technique called "active listening," which is merely the mirroring of statements spoken by the caller, and leading the conversation to their feelings. From there, I would ask what they've done about their feelings of hatred, their depression, their heartache, etc.

Lots of grieving parents exist today. A couple Scriptures I would often tell callers were the words written in Job, the Old Testament guy who lost his animals, the servants that were with the animals, as well as all of Job's sons and daughters while they were eating together. Talk about grief!

Job 42:10, "And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." Praying for others, while we are desiring comfort, is a godly response to loss.

Remember when God took David's son from him, the one conceived in adultry? What did David do when he heard his son was dead? 2 Samuel 12:21, ".....David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead.

"Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the Lord, and worshipped..."

Good post @Hope in God ,
There has been much loss around myself too...many young, husbands wives brothers and sisters. We are surrounded by grief all the time. It is something we all need to "go through"...never stay in. You are right to ask what are you doing with your feelings, emotions and such. It is so hard to go directly to where we should, to God,when in the midst of grief. Yet, that is what He would want us to do.
God Bless and, I am sorry for the losses around you.

 

[Willie T]

"Connecting" by: Larry Crabb is a great book about that kind of listening.

 

[Windmillcharge]

Job, the Old Testament guy who lost his animals, the servants that were with the animals, as well as all of Job's sons and daughters while they were eating together. Talk about grief!

There is much that you have not said about your counselling.
I hope you did not lead with that quote from Job, as that only applies after Job had met with God.
Grief has to be given time to pass, there is no glib Bible verse that will ease it only the deliberate decision to trust God in the Midwest of one's grieve will gain God's strength to cope with that day.
God has to be trusted again as one wakes to the pain of loss.
Not everyone can say like Job," The Lord has given. The Lord has taken away Blessed be the name of the Lord."

 

[Hope in God]

My counseling work lasted for 17 years, working evenings initially, but after I learned the technique well and was consistently reliable, the calls were redirected to my home phone. At all hours of the night I would get calls from people with every conceivable dilemma. No case was ever cut and dry.

A counselor never gets into a listening mode thinking he has it all down, that the lessons will simply kick in, so there will, obviously, be no need for prayerful preparation. The fact is, a caring, well taught, listener must be a person of prayer, as so much of what he/she hears and notates, some of which is intensely tragic and emotional, must be handed to the Lord either while speaking to the caller or when off the phone. It was not uncommon to be awakened in the evening by continuing burdens transferred to me by numerous extended sessions. What those moments demand is further intercession in order to ease the thoughts.

I worked for 30 years in a hospital as well. A section of a department over which I had oversight was very demanding. I would go home, do the usual chores, cook, clean up, and hit the sack, never knowing whether a caller would awaken me in the middle of the night. Listening may cause an hour or more to elapse before the caller is able to break for a moment; reason being, they are steered by responses from the counselor that encourage an expansion of their circumstances and feelings, which should eventually lead to prayer and/or potential avenues for therapy.

Once, while talking to one of the hospital psychiatrists who was throwing a picnic on the grounds for her patients, I shared with her my counseling experience. She told me that I was exactly what she was looking for. Could I start in a couple of weeks? She would double my salary. I politely refused knowing the cost. Additional training, like all medical staff, would have been essential for meeting JACO inspection standards. Plus, the thought of doing nothing but counseling would have taken a serious toll on me, I felt certain.

 

[Hope in God]

"Connecting" by: Larry Crabb is a great book about that kind of listening.

The book that I found to be the best Christian based approach to active listening is called How Can I Help by Skip Hunt. In fact, it was his classes that I attended back when I started.

 

[Hope in God]

Good post @Hope in God ,
There has been much loss around myself too...many young, husbands wives brothers and sisters. We are surrounded by grief all the time. It is something we all need to "go through"...never stay in. You are right to ask what are you doing with your feelings, emotions and such. It is so hard to go directly to where we should, to God,when in the midst of grief. Yet, that is what He would want us to do.
God Bless and, I am sorry for the losses around you.

Age is surely one of the reasons why so many people are dying. I'm 67, and already 40 of my old school mates have passed. My closest Navy buddy informed me by phone that he has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer that has spread throughout his body. Doctors give him merely eight months to a year left. My brother's wife died three months ago and he is in deep grief. And now, we've been told Rush Limbaugh has stage 3 lung cancer. If it is the small cell variety, that could mean death within a year.

This can be a burdensome time for boomers as they watch their old friends and favorite celebrities quickly go on to be with the Lord. My prayer list is fairly long, including a young mother with a partially detached brain stem and another old Navy shipmate who recently had a serious heart attack. Intercessory prayers can last for well over an hour when I include the President and his family, his Cabinet, the guards who watch the wall, this country's accelerating sinfulness, pastors, etc.

 

[Nancy]

Age is surely one of the reasons why so many people are dying. I'm 67, and already 40 of my old school mates have passed. My closest Navy buddy informed me by phone that he has been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer that has spread throughout his body. Doctors give him merely eight months to a year left. My brother's wife died three months ago and he is in deep grief. And now, we've been told Rush Limbaugh has stage 3 lung cancer. If it is the small cell variety, that could mean death within a year.

This can be a burdensome time for boomers as they watch their old friends and favorite celebrities quickly go on to be with the Lord. My prayer list is fairly long, including a young mother with a partially detached brain stem and another old Navy shipmate who recently had a serious heart attack. Intercessory prayers can last for well over an hour when I include the President and his family, his Cabinet, the guards who watch the wall, this country's accelerating sinfulness, pastors, etc.

Hi Hope in God,
Yes, the older we get...
I spend allot of time at a local food pantry/soup kitchen and a host of other services there. We have a place called The Oxford House that ministers to recovering drug attics. In the 3 short years I have been going here, we have lost at least 6 very young people who did community service at the center. I have several friends who have lost sons, brothers and most recently, my 23 year old niece has lost a close friend to suicide. She is at home grieving this loss right now. My best friend of over 43 years just watched her last sibling die last summer. The Oxford House guys died of overdoses of heroin. They just couldn't kick it and all except one were in their 20's. It seems that every day more and more deaths are occurring, or like your Navy buddy, cancer or leukemia. The hardest thing I find is what to say to comfort a fellow believer when their child dies young and was not saved. No platitudes will do here. No comfort of them knowing they will see their loved ones again. Of course, we can always say something to the effect of 'well, we do not know how God might have been dealing with them up til the last breath they took...and no, we do not but...it's a hard thing to watch. Such a sad and lost world, that's for sure!

 

[Hope in God]

Hi Hope in God,
Yes, the older we get...
I spend allot of time at a local food pantry/soup kitchen and a host of other services there. We have a place called The Oxford House that ministers to recovering drug attics. In the 3 short years I have been going here, we have lost at least 6 very young people who did community service at the center. I have several friends who have lost sons, brothers and most recently, my 23 year old niece has lost a close friend to suicide. She is at home grieving this loss right now. My best friend of over 43 years just watched her last sibling die last summer. The Oxford House guys died of overdoses of heroin. They just couldn't kick it and all except one were in their 20's. It seems that every day more and more deaths are occurring, or like your Navy buddy, cancer or leukemia. The hardest thing I find is what to say to comfort a fellow believer when their child dies young and was not saved. No platitudes will do here. No comfort of them knowing they will see their loved ones again. Of course, we can always say something to the effect of 'well, we do not know how God might have been dealing with them up til the last breath they took...and no, we do not but...it's a hard thing to watch. Such a sad and lost world, that's for sure!

I am very much feel the reality of your post. Nancy. When it rains, if pours. We used to say, "They die in threes, " but it appears they die in batches now. Thankfully, our hope is in the resurrection and the promise of inhabiting a place where none of this stuff goes on. It will be over, no more tears, no more loss, for all who are there will be with and around us forever.

 

[Invisibilis]

@Hope in God, good work.

Each has to come to the point of acceptance (Kubler Ross) before our grief and loss abates us.

It takes good discernment to know when and how to help others realize that their grief and loss is about themselves. When they realize this, their acceptance melts the grief and loss to reveal their gratitude and love for what was not theirs to lose in the first place. A transformation from conditional to unconditional occurs.

 

[Invisibilis]

@Nancy, keep up the good work.
If there was no Oxford Group, there would not be an Oxford House, or AA, or any other 6 or 12 step program of recovery, let alone an introduction to God.

 

[Stan B]

Age is surely one of the reasons why so many people are dying. I'm 67, and already 40 of my old school mates have passed.

Statistically, 33% of those aged 65+ are widowed. I am now 77, 5 years widowed, and my daily routine involves checking with the local funeral home for the latest obituaries.

My DIL is a prominent clinical psychologist. The most difficult challenge she faces is dealing with those who have lost a spouse. For me, after 5 years, life here on earth no longer has meaning. A friend greets me with "One day closer!" Each day is just one day closer.

 

[Nancy]

@Nancy, keep up the good work.
If there was no Oxford Group, there would not be an Oxford House, or AA, or any other 6 or 12 step program of recovery, let alone an introduction to God.

For sure, we are grateful to these places for taking in those who are lost and addicted. It is just so sad to see so many of them die young because of getting back in with their old group of friends. I was actually a little upset with the Oxford House (un justly so ) because I was questioning in my head "do they not continue to follow u on these guys??" But, there is only so much they can do, I understand that and have repented of thinking that way. They have done much good in this community and, cannot make choices for those who go back to the drugs.

 

[Nancy]

I am very much feel the reality of your post. Nancy. When it rains, if pours. We used to say, "They die in threes, " but it appears they die in batches now. Thankfully, our hope is in the resurrection and the promise of inhabiting a place where none of this stuff goes on. It will be over, no more tears, no more loss, for all who are there will be with and around us forever.

Oh yes, my hope is most certainly in the resurrection and all it will bring. But, very sad it is to see them die so young and needlessly.

 

[marks]

Weeks of classes, twice attended, taught me a counseling technique called "active listening," which is merely the mirroring of statements spoken by the caller, and leading the conversation to their feelings

Excellent method of communication!

My wife and I took classes on this many years ago, and have likewise taught this to our church couples group.

they are steered by responses from the counselor that encourage an expansion of their circumstances and feelings, which should eventually lead to prayer and/or potential avenues for therapy.

Having someone that you can speak this way with is invaluable towards working out where our head is really at. So many times we don't understand ourselves, and just hearing our words back, we can stop and rethink.

Reflective Listening, or Active Listening, can also diffuse very difficult situations, as once we really come to understand, our responses are often totally different from what they were.

Much love!

 

[Hope in God]

Statistically, 33% of those aged 65+ are widowed. I am now 77, 5 years widowed, and my daily routine involves checking with the local funeral home for the latest obituaries.

My DIL is a prominent clinical psychologist. The most difficult challenge she faces is dealing with those who have lost a spouse. For me, after 5 years, life here on earth no longer has meaning. A friend greets me with "One day closer!" Each day is just one day closer.

Absolutely, Stan. A friend of mine, during the 70s, wrote a song called One Step Closer to the Promised Land and it was all about the incidents that come up that indicate we are moving toward our eternal home. My brother, who is presently experiencing the loss of his wife, will often say he wants to die because he misses her so much, but holding on, maintaining a present vision for life is conceivable and possible, for there are things we can do that can aid in the furtherance of the gospel, to add hope to others, and encourage thoughts beyond the mundane and depressing.

I make it a point when I shop to speak something to someone that reflects I care. Over time, that first sentence has lead to more conversation, and an introduction to the gospel. While in rehab following eight broken ribs about six months ago, I was transferred to rehab where the Lord opened the door for me to lead one of the nurses to Jesus. Sharing Christ, for me, is easy. For others, it can be a bit of a chore. Still, there are words to use that can eventually lead to an opening, all of which can be likened to a ministry, and is very rewarding.

 

[Hope in God]

@Hope in God, good work.

Each has to come to the point of acceptance (Kubler Ross) before our grief and loss abates us.

It takes good discernment to know when and how to help others realize that their grief and loss is about themselves. When they realize this, their acceptance melts the grief and loss to reveal their gratitude and love for what was not theirs to lose in the first place. A transformation from conditional to unconditional occurs.

Very good reply, Inv.

 

[Stan B]

My brother, who is presently experiencing the loss of his wife, will often say he wants to die because he misses her so much, but holding on, maintaining a present vision for life is conceivable and possible, for there are things we can do that can aid in the furtherance of the gospel, to add hope to others, and encourage thoughts beyond the mundane and depressing.

May I recommend a Forum for your brother:

Loss of a Spouse

Not only a chance to be ministered to, but to minister to others.

Perhaps the most useful aspect of the Forum is to hear the experiences of others who are going through the same thing. Their experiences help to bring us in touch with reality, and what we are going through, are not all that different than all the others going through the same thing.

Loss of a spouse of 50 years, provides us with a kind of pain we never realized could ever exist in this world. But it does!

While for non-believers some, express anger at someone they deny exists! For me, I thank God every day for His most miraculous gift to me; my wife of 50 years. And I thank Him every day for each of those wonderous 50 years together.

.

 

[Stan B]

Very good reply, Inv.

I am familiar with Kubler Ross, but she doesn't meet the needs of believers.

After my wife died I read a number of books on the subject, but by far was "Imagine Heaven" by pastor John Burke who has done extensive studies on near-death experiences. He has also given us a 6 episode series, covering his research, and interviewing people who have died and been resuscitated. I have now listened to the entire series 8 times!!:

Imagine Heaven - Rewards That Last

 

[Hope in God]

I am familiar with Kubler Ross, but she doesn't meet the needs of believers.

After my wife died I read a number of books on the subject, but by far was "Imagine Heaven" by pastor John Burke who has done extensive studies on near-death experiences. He has also given us a 6 episode series, covering his research, and interviewing people who have died and been resuscitated. I have now listened to the entire series 8 times!!:

Imagine Heaven - Rewards That Last

Thanks, Stan. I sent the links to him and will let you know how things progress.