How to respond to 13-year-old daughter who declares being gay

[Logo]

I know the default answer is to "accept" the daughter's position on being gay as loving parents, but is it okay to discuss it and maybe show the daughter that she's actually not gay after all? Or will that be perceived as, "My parents don't love and accept me for being gay."? She might have friends who push that stance about the parents, which could cause harmful division between parents and daughter. Maybe she just saw some things on social media about it and declared it without truly understanding it or thinking it through. How should parents respond to a young teen if this comes up, especially knowing that other kids are egging her on and celebrating her newly-declared stance?

 

[Patrick1966]

Does your daughter believe in Christ?

 

[Logo]

Does your daughter believe in Christ?

Yes

 

[TinMan]

I know the default answer is to "accept" the daughter's position on being gay as loving parents, but is it okay to discuss it and maybe show the daughter that she's actually not gay after all? Or will that be perceived as, "My parents don't love and accept me for being gay."? She might have friends who push that stance about the parents, which could cause harmful division between parents and daughter. Maybe she just saw some things on social media about it and declared it without truly understanding it or thinking it through. How should parents respond to a young teen if this comes up, especially knowing that other kids are egging her on and celebrating her newly-declared stance?

The first step in being a good and loving parent here is to remember that she came out to you because she TRUSTED you.

 

[Patrick1966]

Yes

Love your daughter. Don't judge her. Pray for her. The rest is up to God.

 

[Logo]

Demonstrating love for her is easy and not an issue. I'm just wondering if it's damaging to discuss it beyond that.

Daughter: I'm gay.
Parent: That's okay. I love you no matter what.
End of story because you don't want to damage the kid.

Or should there be more discussion?

Daughter: I'm gay.
Parent: I love you no matter what, kiddo. Can you tell me what makes you say that?
Dialogue follows...

 

[marks]

Demonstrating love for her is easy and not an issue. I'm just wondering if it's damaging to discuss it beyond that.

Daughter: I'm gay.
Parent: That's okay. I love you no matter what.
End of story because you don't want to damage the kid.

Or should there be more discussion?

Daughter: I'm gay.
Parent: I love you no matter what, kiddo. Can you tell me what makes you say that?
Dialogue follows...

I don't think discussion is harmful.

Pre-teens and early teens often have questions concerning their self identity, and in some cases a simple conversation can uncover, perhaps, that this is just a way to be "in" with the "in crowd", or perhaps, that this is a passing phase.

Much love!

 

[sheariah07]

I know the default answer is to "accept" the daughter's position on being gay as loving parents, but is it okay to discuss it and maybe show the daughter that she's actually not gay after all? Or will that be perceived as, "My parents don't love and accept me for being gay."? She might have friends who push that stance about the parents, which could cause harmful division between parents and daughter. Maybe she just saw some things on social media about it and declared it without truly understanding it or thinking it through. How should parents respond to a young teen if this comes up, especially knowing that other kids are egging her on and celebrating her newly-declared stance?

Hello! I'm not a parent but whatever way you can deal with it, you should definitely talk to her about it. Ask God to help you with it.

As a parent, God has given you the responsibility to bring up your child in the knowledge of God. She might just have been exposed to something as you said and you could do something about it while it's still early.

Proverbs 23:13-14 KJV
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. [14] Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.

Proverbs 20:11 KJV
Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.

Proverbs 22:15 ESV
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

 

[dev553344]

The new age culture appears to push homosexuality, etc. I would bring her to church if you don't already. Some homosexuality is taught. It is sexual so keep an eye out for friends that are pushing sex on her.

 

[ScottA]

I know the default answer is to "accept" the daughter's position on being gay as loving parents, but is it okay to discuss it and maybe show the daughter that she's actually not gay after all? Or will that be perceived as, "My parents don't love and accept me for being gay."? She might have friends who push that stance about the parents, which could cause harmful division between parents and daughter. Maybe she just saw some things on social media about it and declared it without truly understanding it or thinking it through. How should parents respond to a young teen if this comes up, especially knowing that other kids are egging her on and celebrating her newly-declared stance?

Society is now trying to "sell" that idea to kids. Thus, you do not want to try to "sell" your daughter on anything and approach the issue on their same level. Love her...she needs to know you love her, which is way more powerful than society (even with adolescent rebellion). God is love.

Instead, reason with her that making such decisions can come at any time, but are not necessarily best decided on at that time. Give examples from you own life where you may have been better to wait, that all the decision you have made have not all been good decisions. Thus demonstrating a reason to doubt her own decision making. Explain how, "If I had it to do over again..." etc..

Meanwhile, if you have ever thought about moving -- now would be a good time. Seriously. Make up some other excuse if you have to, but there is perhaps nothing more important than getting a person out of a destructive environment.

 

[Wrangler]

is it okay to discuss it and maybe show the daughter that she's actually not gay after all?

Depends on who you ask.

There is nothing wrong with making “I” statements.

• I love you
• I am glad you told me
• I’d like you to tell me how you feel about this and how you came to this conclusion?

Have you process how you feel about this?

I’d tell her gently that this is not natural and explain why. I’d also tell her that I don’t support that lifestyle, which means you expect her to choose celibacy over sexual deviancy. of course, that’s me.

I did not let my daughters date until they were sophomores in high school.

 

[TinMan]

The new age culture appears to push homosexuality, etc. I would bring her to church if you don't already.

Society appears to push blue eyes as well but it doesn't change the color of anyone's eyes.

Some homosexuality is taught.

Do you think the same about heterosexuality

It is sexual so keep an eye out for friends that are pushing sex on her.

its sexual just as much as heterosexuality is

 

[TinMan]

Society is now trying to "sell" that idea to kids. Thus, you do not want to try to "sell" your daughter on anything and approach the issue on their same level. Love her...she needs to know you love her, which is way more powerful than society (even with adolescent rebellion). God is love.

Instead, reason with her that making such decisions can come at any time, but are not necessarily best decided on at that time.

The only decision she made was to tell her parents.

Give examples from you own life where you may have been better to wait, that all the decision you have made have not all been good decisions. Thus demonstrating a reason to doubt her own decision making. Explain how, "If I had it to do over again..." etc..

Meanwhile, if you have ever thought about moving -- now would be a good time. Seriously. Make up some other excuse if you have to, but there is perhaps nothing more important than getting a person out of a destructive environment.

what do you think moving will do?

 

[ScottA]

The only decision she made was to tell her parents.

what do you think moving will do?

Indeed, it all depends on just how advance the idea is. Good point!

As for moving...I already explained the importance, as, "getting a person out of a destructive environment."

 

[TinMan]

Indeed, it all depends on just how advance the idea is. Good point!

No the point was she didn't decide to be a lesbian, she decided that her parents were trustworthy enough to come out to them.

As for moving...I already explained the importance, as, "getting a person out of a destructive environment."

why do you think they live in a destructive environment?

 

[TinMan]

Demonstrating love for her is easy and not an issue. I'm just wondering if it's damaging to discuss it beyond that.

Daughter: I'm gay.
Parent: That's okay. I love you no matter what.
End of story because you don't want to damage the kid.

Or should there be more discussion?

Daughter: I'm gay.
Parent: I love you no matter what, kiddo. Can you tell me what makes you say that?
Dialogue follows...

Think back for a moment to when you were 13...how would you answer your parent's if they asked you what makes you say you are straight?
And then ask how that question would make that 13 year old you feel.

 

[dev553344]

I would just be more concerned that she's making sexual decisions at age 13. Homosexuality is a sexual decision. Keep an eye out for anyone that could be promoting the ideas to her.

 

[ScottA]

No the point was she didn't decide to be a lesbian, she decided that her parents were trustworthy enough to come out to them.

why do you think they live in a destructive environment?

It would appear you have missed the point of the thread...or just enjoy being argumentative.

A "13 year old daughter who declares being gay" is evidence of being in "a destructive environment." She's under attack by evil, unnatural, and unbiblical forces.

 

[TinMan]

I would just be more concerned that she's making sexual decisions at age 13. Homosexuality is a sexual decision. Keep an eye out for anyone that could be promoting the ideas to her.

Just like heterosexuality is a sexual decision.

 

[TinMan]

It would appear you have missed the point of the thread...or just enjoy being argumentative.

A "13 year old daughter who declares being gay" is evidence of being in "a destructive environment." She's under attack by evil, unnatural, and unbiblical forces.

It would be healthy environment if she lied about it?

He fact she trusted her parents enough to come out to them shows she was not in a destructive environment but a healthy and loving one. Weather her environment remains positive or becomes destructive is now in the hands of her parents.