Marital Sex Life While Living with Parents

[KanaKon]

Aloha,

I'm a 33 year old male who will be soon marrying a 35 year old woman from the Philippines. My fiance just turned 35 a few days ago.

We plan on living with my parents on their property, while we are building a separate home that is on the same land as my parents. This would help us save money rather than renting a home for ourselves.

My parents and my fiance are in support of this. However, when I discuss the issue of being intimate with my significant other, she is somewhat shy and nervous about the possibility of us having sex in my parents' house. My fiance thinks it might be disrespectful but I'm trying to persuade her that it isn't, since there are couples out there who are intimate while they are living with families. My parents' house is fairly big, and we can find privacy for our time to be intimate. Although, my fiance still kind of nervous about it, and I'm kind of frustrated that I won't be able to be intimate with her if she is not willing to be intimate with me in my parents' place. It will take probably 6-8 months for our house to be built on my parents' land. I want to save money just as much as my fiance, and just as my parents want us to save money. We are blessed with our situation.

However, I'm often anxious about the prospect that my fiance is getting older, and that we have only so many years to have a child of our own. We both want a child, at least two children. Of course, to do so means we have to be regularly engaged in sex.

Likewise, my fiance has a lower sex drive than me. We discuss this openly that I need more intimacy than she does, and that my fiance even proposed to have only three times a week of sex, but I think it should be at least once a day, or once every other day.

So, I suppose my question is how do I get my fiance to feel comfortable about us having sex in my parents' home, and also how do I reconcile our sex drives? How do I get my fiance to be as interested in lovemaking as I am?

Mahalo,
Kana

 

[Pearl]

Perhaps put off your wedding until your own accommodation is ready. If there was good chemistry between you sex would be any place, any time. So I wonder if this might be more a marriage of convenience than one driven by the chemistry between you. Whatever happens you should be sensitive to your new bride and not demand sex when she is unwilling. Take time to get to know each other well and be comfortable together. Six to eight months is a long time at the start of a marriage, the sex should be a way of bonding deeply with each other. How long have you known her? Do you even know if she enjoys sex?

 

[KanaKon]

Perhaps put off your wedding until your own accommodation is ready. If there was good chemistry between you sex would be any place, any time. So I wonder if this might be more a marriage of convenience than one driven by the chemistry between you. Whatever happens you should be sensitive to your new bride and not demand sex when she is unwilling. Take time to get to know each other well and be comfortable together. Six to eight months is a long time at the start of a marriage, the sex should be a way of bonding deeply with each other. How long have you known her? Do you even know if she enjoys sex?

Thanks for your response. Unfortunately, we can't put off the wedding, because my fiance is coming here on a visa that requires her to marry me in 90 days. So, we have to plan early to marry to ensure she can stay in the country. I've known this woman since 2018. I've met her five times in person, and we've done lots of things intimately, engaging in oral sex, and we did have premarital sex for the first time at our last visit. We do have chemistry between each other, and she does enjoy intimacy. And whenever I approach, we are able to engage. It's just she has set a standard for me for at least once a day, and if I am too needy or aggressive, she tries to desist. She's learning more about my needs as much as I'm learning about hers, so we are trying to adjust to each other and come to a middle grounds on it.

 

[TLHKAJ]

Likewise, my fiance has a lower sex drive than me. We discuss this openly that I need more intimacy than she does, and that my fiance even proposed to have only three times a week of sex, but I think it should be at least once a day, or once every other day.

So, I suppose my question is how do I get my fiance to feel comfortable about us having sex in my parents' home, and also how do I reconcile our sex drives? How do I get my fiance to be as interested in lovemaking as I am?

There are many possible reasons for her reservations at this point. Women need to feel secure, and know their husband is committed to protecting her, and part of that lends to the need for privacy. Her low sex drive may be in part due to this one issue. Also, if she has had any trauma in her past/childhood, especially sexual abuse, that also may cause some roadblocks and require a lot of love and patience on your part.

When a woman feels loved, valued, and secure/protected, her natural response is love and respect, and desires will grow.

 

[TLHKAJ]

It's just she has set a standard for me for at least once a day, and if I am too needy or aggressive, she tries to desist.

Well there you have it. No woman wants a man who is aggressive ....that is not intimacy. That is abuse.

 

[TLHKAJ]

Before intimacy, the first necessary ingredient according to scripture is "due benevolence." Benevolence means kindness.... the opposite of aggressiveness. Love is not selfish. She will respond to l
unselfish love better than aggressiveness.

1 Corinthians 7:3
[3]Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I've met her five times in person, and we've done lots of things intimately, engaging in oral sex, and we did have premarital sex for the first time at our last visit.

For future reference, these details are inappropriate in mixed company, especially on a Christian forum. Part of protecting the sanctity of your marriage is keeping these things between you and your wife.

 

[KanaKon]

There are many possible reasons for her reservations at this point. Women need to feel secure, and know their husband is committed to protecting her, and part of that lends to the need for privacy. Her low sex drive may be in part due to this one issue. Also, if she has had any trauma in her past/childhood, especially sexual abuse, that also may cause some roadblocks and require a lot of love and patience on your part.

When a woman feels loved, valued, and secure/protected, her natural response is love and respect, and desires will grow.

Thank you so much for your positive and insightful responses. I agree with what you stated. In my heart, I want to be a loving husband who respects her and protects her. We have done things intimately, many times, and she does come to me and I can tell she wants me to be intimate, and there are moments where she can be aggressive herself. We are just trying to better understand each other's needs, and our desires, while also working within our limitations. I've always known that a woman responds to love and being cared for, and that is what makes her crave intimacy. So, I know how to provide that. It's just my needs are regularly active, and she is trying to see how she can meet that without feeling that she can still be true to herself. So, if there is a way we can develop that communication, while we might have to stay with my parents and find time for intimacy, that would be helpful.

 

[Pearl]

Thanks for your response. Unfortunately, we can't put off the wedding, because my fiance is coming here on a visa that requires her to marry me in 90 days. So, we have to plan early to marry to ensure she can stay in the country. I've known this woman since 2018. I've met her five times in person, and we've done lots of things intimately, engaging in oral sex, and we did have premarital sex for the first time at our last visit. We do have chemistry between each other, and she does enjoy intimacy. And whenever I approach, we are able to engage. It's just she has set a standard for me for at least once a day, and if I am too needy or aggressive, she tries to desist. She's learning more about my needs as much as I'm learning about hers, so we are trying to adjust to each other and come to a middle grounds on it.

So really you hardly know each other and she is coming to a strange country and maybe a different culture, so go easy on her, don't rush her. Let her get comfortable with you and your parents before you insist on intimacy. Just because you are married doesn't mean you have to be intimate straight away. If you love her you will wait and not push her. Put her happiness before your own 'needs'.

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

 

[Lambano]

How do I get my fiance to be as interested in lovemaking as I am?

By putting your wife's emotional, intimacy, relational, and yes, sexual needs before your own. Even if it means putting your own desires on hold for a while. Isn't that what LOVE is? (Speaking from 40 years of a happy marriage.)

It also helps to see your wife as a treasured person. Maybe she will see you the same way.

There are Christian marriage sites that can give you better advice.

 

[Pearl]

By putting your wife's emotional, intimacy, relational, and yes, sexual needs before your own. Even if it means putting your own desires on hold for a while. Isn't that what LOVE is? (Speaking from 40 years of a happy marriage.)

It also helps to see your wife as a treasured person. Maybe she will see you the same way.

There are Christian marriage sites that can give you better advice.

I don't think anybody could give better advice that what you just posted @Lambano

 

[Cassandra]

Thanks for your response. Unfortunately, we can't put off the wedding, because my fiance is coming here on a visa that requires her to marry me in 90 days. So, we have to plan early to marry to ensure she can stay in the country. I've known this woman since 2018. I've met her five times in person, and we've done lots of things intimately, engaging in oral sex, and we did have premarital sex for the first time at our last visit. We do have chemistry between each other, and she does enjoy intimacy. And whenever I approach, we are able to engage. It's just she has set a standard for me for at least once a day, and if I am too needy or aggressive, she tries to desist. She's learning more about my needs as much as I'm learning about hers, so we are trying to adjust to each other and come to a middle grounds on it.

TMI--I don't know why folks have to post the dirty details for all of us. How about saying "We have been intimate,"

 

[Lambano]

TMI--I don't know why folks have to post the dirty details for all of us. How about saying "We have been intimate,"

Over-sharing must be a younger generation thing. I now know WAY too many details about my granddaughter's conception.

 

[Pearl]

TMI--I don't know why folks have to post the dirty details for all of us. How about saying "We have been intimate,"

I didn't see it as 'dirty details'. Sex should not be a forbidden topic as it was in my youth. How else will people - men and women - know what a loving relationship should be like if we don't talk about it. Between a man and a woman in a committed relationship sex should be a joy.

 

[TLHKAJ]

I didn't see it as 'dirty details'. Sex should not be a forbidden topic as it was in my youth. How else will people - men and women - know what a loving relationship should be like if we don't talk about it. Between a man and a woman in a committed relationship sex should be a joy.

I agree, and also disagree. lol
There are appropriate circumstances to give details (such as with an older Christian mentor of the same gender). I don't think it was necessary for him to go into explicit detail for us to know they have been sexually intimate. It should be a joy ......kept between a man and his wife. It takes away from the specialness when everyone who reads this thread is invited into that place. I don't want to know what other couples do.

 

[Rella ~ I am a woman]

It's just she has set a standard for me for at least once a day, and if I am too needy or aggressive, she tries to desist.

She set a once a day?

Talk to your mom and tell her she needs to talk to her that your folks are expecting it to happen in the house.

If your mom is reluctant... then you will know why your fiancé is reluctant.

 

[TLHKAJ]

She set a once a day?

Talk to your mom and tell her she needs to talk to her that your folks are expecting it to happen in the house.

If your mom is reluctant... then you will know why your fiancé is reluctant.

YUCK! That would make it even worse, having the entire household focused on her sexual performance. Wow.... for her sake, I hope she doesn't follow through with this relationship. This is getting way out of balance. Is her entire worth based on having sex 24/7? What is she, a sex slave??? This man sounds like an animal ...not a human with a heart.

 

[Debp]

Aloha,

I'm a 33 year old male who will be soon marrying a 35 year old woman from the Philippines. My fiance just turned 35 a few days ago.

We plan on living with my parents on their property, while we are building a separate home that is on the same land as my parents. This would help us save money rather than renting a home for ourselves.

My parents and my fiance are in support of this. However, when I discuss the issue of being intimate with my significant other, she is somewhat shy and nervous about the possibility of us having sex in my parents' house. My fiance thinks it might be disrespectful but I'm trying to persuade her that it isn't, since there are couples out there who are intimate while they are living with families. My parents' house is fairly big, and we can find privacy for our time to be intimate. Although, my fiance still kind of nervous about it, and I'm kind of frustrated that I won't be able to be intimate with her if she is not willing to be intimate with me in my parents' place. It will take probably 6-8 months for our house to be built on my parents' land. I want to save money just as much as my fiance, and just as my parents want us to save money. We are blessed with our situation.

However, I'm often anxious about the prospect that my fiance is getting older, and that we have only so many years to have a child of our own. We both want a child, at least two children. Of course, to do so means we have to be regularly engaged in sex.

Likewise, my fiance has a lower sex drive than me. We discuss this openly that I need more intimacy than she does, and that my fiance even proposed to have only three times a week of sex, but I think it should be at least once a day, or once every other day.

So, I suppose my question is how do I get my fiance to feel comfortable about us having sex in my parents' home, and also how do I reconcile our sex drives? How do I get my fiance to be as interested in lovemaking as I am?

Mahalo,
Kana

My first thought was that you and she shouldn't be having sex prior to marriage. Then I read another of your posts and see you are already engaging in sex.

Did you give no thought that you and she are engaging in fornication?

Perhaps the reason she is having difficulty with her sex drive is that her conscience is bothering her. Perhaps if you and she would have waited until marriage, she wouldn't have that problem.

 

[TLHKAJ]

My first thought was that you and she shouldn't be having sex prior to marriage. Then I read another of your posts and see you are already engaging in sex.

Did you give no thought that you and she are engaging in fornication?

Perhaps the reason she is having difficulty with her sex drive is that her conscience is bothering her. Perhaps if you and she would have waited until marriage, she wouldn't have that problem.

Excellent observation!

 

[Debp]

YUCK! That would make it even worse, having the entire household focused on her sexual performance. Wow.... for her sake, I hope she doesn't follow through with this relationship. This is getting way out of balance. Is her entire worth based on having sex 24/7? What is she, a sex slave??? This man sounds like an animal ...not a human with a heart.

Some women from The Philippines want American citizenship and also a man to provide for them and will often seek to marry Westerners for that reason.